Thought I was making progress after R

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Thought I was making progress after R
Wed, 02-24-2010 - 10:05pm
He came home the 1st of Sept. Thought we were finally making progress - he told me he was being completely honest - but I just found out about 2 visits to hookers before the affair - he said there were only 2 - 2 different hookers, one a no touch while he got oral, and the other a 'hands on' while he got oral - but how do I believe him when he keeps telling me that 1st while he was having A - there was none and it was in my imagination, then when R started, that she was 'it' the only 'transgression' in our 16 year marriage - and now to find out about these... What the hell - how do I believe him if he keeps swearing the truth for me only to find out about more - that's 3 deseased woman so far.... are there more? Will I ever know? And I only got this information because the drs that I've been dealing with for HPV said the extent of cervical dysplasia was too soon to have just been the last OW in the time frame - so he came 'clean' about the 2 hookers 4 and 3 years ago.... WTH - I feel like I've slid way back almost to square 1 again. But I did like the books said - thank him for his honesty - then I found out in 2006, he was looking on yahoo personals, and adultfriendfinder - and posted his likes dislikes, his real b'day - wanted to find woman 15 miles or less from the shop we had and said he was married but looking for a discreet relationship..... I'm so hurt - he says he was just looking, never met anyone - and got pissed at ME!!!!!!!! Will this never end? I told him if there's any more - get it all out now - he got pissed, said I'm telling the truth, I told him you ALWAYS say that each time you give me a little truth, then I find out more. Anyway the drs were saying that my abnormal cells from HPV, the extent of it had to be from longer ago than the AP - so there you go.... I don't know if he's telling the truth though, or just trying to make it easier by blaming it on 2 unnamed street walkers..... gross!!!!!!!! All new pain, and just when I thought we were making progress. It's so hard to build trust when they're still lying to you! And he says that he knew how I felt about prostitutes and the men that went to them and didn't want to wreck his chances by telling me that he'd ever gone to them (before we were married, and when he was married to his 1st wife, AND when he was married to ME!!) Ugh! I feel so lost~ again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 6:55pm
Anyone else go through something similar - or you thought there was one and there were more? Or one an A and the others 'professionals" ??? I'm having a hard time with this! And I thought we were doing so well.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 7:39pm

My H has had several and I thought there were only 2, I stopped asking anymore questions because i couldnt take anymore answers. I was hopeful that he was telling the truth and if i was really going to stay with him then i had to decide if it was 1 or 20 it was in the past and knowing wasnt going to help me anyway

I pray for you and me that we can get through this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 11:01pm
Onlyme68 - I guess that's what the MC meant tonight, The MC said to chalk up the 5 year period into the lost marriage years and lump all of the cheating and lying into one, and since we're working on R and doing better with it, to take it from here - it's anything from here that will be the deal breaker, not what happened before when the M was broken to him. So I think that's what I will try to do. If it should happen again, I will have to know that I did my best and move on. And that will have to be the end of it.
And yes - as long as what ever number of them they were before and DONT happen again!
From his 3 (that I know of) cheats - I got HPV -
HPV is the Human Papaloma virus that a man can get from a woman and give to another woman with out ever having any side effects from it himself. He could have gotten this from any of his cheat partners or all and given it to me. or gotten it from the 1st and given it to the rest of us. Either way - it is a form of an STD. If left untreated, it can cause cervical cancer. I am at the testing stage, where they found abnormal cervical cells via a pap smear and last Monday I had 3 cervical biopsies. They are testing them to see what it is and how bad, and we'll go from there.
Everyone should get tested regularly - after all we never know if they're telling the truth or not, but after we find out they've cheated, we should all go for testing. Face it, people who will have sex with married men are having sex with anyone, and spreading disease - and bringing it back to us..... "
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 11:20pm

you know tryin i have been following your story and please know that i can feel your pain each and every time you post. having said that i will say BUT..............

BUT,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, the one truth you may not be willing to accept right now is this. your husband is not capable of telling you the truth. why?????????? for a variety of reasons"

he believes that you knowing the all of it would be too much

he is not willing to accept the all of it, he is not willing to see the man he truly is and so he hides behind this fasod.

he is refusing to acknowledge how his very actions could actually hurt. has he ever asked 'why you can't just forget about it and move on?

he is ashamed

he has no intention of stopping and will continue until and unless YOU PUT AN END TO IT.

tryin, how much can you handle? how long are you going to continue to make this all about him? what about you? do you not have any value in your eyes? do you not deserve better in your eyes? what is your value? i mean seriously what value do you trying 2010 place on YOU?

hard questions? yes, but you see if i would have asked myself these questions years ago when i first discovered the who, the what was my husband i would have demanded more/better and if i had not received it i would have left. but i did not. instead i kept digging for the answers, wanting to understand the whys the how could he's. but in many cases such as yours and mine we never really get them because we are willing to settle. settle for beating ourselves up because WE CHOSE to not value ourselves enough to demand and expect that we deserved the best.

your husband, whether he is willing to acknowledge it or not knows you. he believes that he can control you and the issue at hand. "if i just do this, if i just give her ONLY what i have to, if i just go along with all of this for a short time THINGS WILL GO BACK TO NORMAL AND I CAN GO BACK TO BEING WHAT I AM AND WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

trying 2010, you need to love you. to hell with him and who he did what with, and how many times, or what position, ---------- if you know my name then you have read my story AND IT IS A PRETTY DA** UGLY ONE AT THAT. you do NOT want to be me. no, instead you want to be more like 'love my dog". a real hero in my book. she took just so much and then finally woke up and said :wait a friggin minute not one more minute of one more day and i going to be a victim". also another poster 'recently engaged' - was willing to see her husband for the person he really was. a serial cheater. she had just had a baby and decided that she deserved better so she drew the line in the sand and it was hasta lavista baby. hard, yes it is hard. change is hard for humans, but betrayal and living with it is insanity.

you do NOT want to be me years down the road, trust me on this fact. life is too short, we only go around one time,

holy moly if I saw your husband on the street i personally would run over the sob - FOR YOU. ha ha but no seriously, you can see him for who and what he really is you can realize that you do not love this man but instead LOVE THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE; and make some decisions that will benefit you or you can wait for him to GET IT. but i have a 411 for MEN LIKE YOUR HUSBAND, LIKE MY HUSBAND RARELY EVER GET IT.


i hope i have not offended you, i just want to shake you a little, and hopefully bring back to life that young beautiful girl you once were. SHE IS STILL IN THERE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 12:22am
Sissy - you have NOT offended me - I like hearing from all of you to help me sort through things in my head. As well as the many books I read and online groups, as well as FWS and MC. I need ALL the input I can get.
From what he said - the hooker part (2 in our marriage and several in his 1st marriage) was because I've always said that I thought anyone that would go to a hooker is so low, and so disgusting and he didn't want me to know because he was ashamed. It humiliated him to tell me that. He did say that if I knew about the 'professionals' both from his past and our M that that would have been the deal breaker and I would have tossed him then and there.
He never said why can't you just forget about it and move on. He has answered my questions in detail even the very sexually intimate ones of he and his APs relationship including the name of the hotel, the prices, etc when I asked.
Yes, I do have value on me, that is why this is it, the last and ONLY second chance. Anything after this is an immediate exit from the M. Period.... I can't go through this again, and I do deserve better.
Since we are in counseling, and since he has admitted what he has (and swears this is it)I will give it a little more time. If there are ANY lies, untruths, dishonesty, or As after this time - that will be IT - gone, no questions asked - just GOODBYE - and I appreciate your post - it is helpful to me - And I WON'T live with this happening again - I am worth better!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 12:48am

you are worthy of the best, not just better.

continued strength to you. the fact that your husband is willing to open up to you says much. he is not running away, but rather meeting you head on and answering your questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2010
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 10:44am
Yes, I see hope in that too - he even answered all of my questions about their intimacies - how, what when where positions lies to OW etc. time lines - he does need much work, but he is willing to work on it. He goes, and even if I bring up what is uncomfortable to him at the MC and just tell some, he does fill in the rest, and tells it like it was - My eyes are open and I do deserve the best - thank you for that.....
Strength to us all !