Thought it was just an EA....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Thought it was just an EA....
10
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:46pm

I posted a few months ago... thinking my H had just had an emotional affair with this girl. I received an email today from another woman whose husband slept with this same girl. She went on to tell me my H was doing the same.

I guess my question is... do I trust this source? Some other woman whom I don't know? I don't want to believe it... but I can't trust my H either. I'm defeated. As I'm sure everyone who experiences this blow feels. I feel like if I don't talk about it it's not real. I feel that if I could turn back time all of this wouldn't have happened.

please don't tell me to just leave him... I know rationally what should be done... but I need to get there emotionally first.  




Edited 7/17/2010 12:19 am ET by katka83

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:27am

has your H admitted anything?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 9:32pm

has your H admitted anything?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 9:27pm

yes, you are right katka, it is YOUR decision. and while all of us have found this site because of cheating spouses our stories are still personal.

you know if it was physical, and while it is hard to admit to ones self, that is the truth. all of us has this little protective device within us called 'gut'. 'gut' never lies, and we should all learn to trust it.

while i will not attempt to tell you to leave or stay what i will offer as advice or better yet something to think about is this. YOU CAN NOT IGNORE THIS, if you think you can you are not being honest with yourself. as a matter of fact YOU ARE HURTING YOU, but NOT facing it. now, it does take time to bulld up the energy to seek out the truth, believe that the old saying is true 'THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE'. and you so deserve to be free.

have you thought about counseling, for YOU. while couple therapy is helpful, it is MUCH MORE important for you to address what is best for you. AND RIGHT NOW YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

you are still in mourning, since you found out about what you thought was an emotional affair and no more. so give yourself some to mourn. you were in love with this man, the man you thought he was - now you are finding out or are at least suspicious that 'he was not that man'. you loved the man you thought he was, not the man he really was. does that make any sense????????

you have entered into a community that cares, i village is a safe, caring, environment - even when the messages deliver words we do not WANT to hear one thing for sure is this. those words are delivered by women who have been there and done that. so you are safe and amongst friends here.

love you katka, take time for you katka, rediscover who and what katka is. SHE IS, AFTER ALL, PRETTY DARN SPECIAL - never forget that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:16pm

Thank you for your message.

He sometimes will acknowledge that he was wrong in contacting her.... and other times not. What's interesting to me is that when this other betrayed spouse (whose H cheated with the same girl as my H) contacted me to share with me this information my H has not contacted his 'friend' since then. She has text messaged him and called him all day today... I asked him what she wrote and he said, "why won't you call me? Why aren't you answering? Please call me.". (this is hard because he's in a state 7 hours away where I can not see exactly what was said, etc).

<>
I have read this quite a bit in my search for help and comfort and trying to understand this entire thing.

He has agreed to MC but he always has excuses on why he can't come back home to work on us. We did go to one session June 7 - but nothing since then and he went back to contacting her after that session... hours a day... I found one session of phone calls from 12 am - 5am and when I ask what on earth they could talk about for that long he says, "I don't remember". At this point every time I ask a question it's "I don't know." or "I don't remember" or "Army stuff". I'm sick of those answers.

H knows I'm going to the beach soon and he asked if he could take the dogs up to RI during that time. I started crying and told him that I wouldn't be able to have a relaxing time knowing the dogs are with him. I told him that if he hadn't run away from me and left this summer or if he had really started to actually talk to me I would be OK with it. I told him that I'm terrified that he's going to take the only thing left from me.... the dogs. These dogs have gotten me through so much, if I didn't have them I would not have made it this far with everything. He at first was hurt... but once I said that I thought he may keep them from me it's like a light bulb went off... he said, "wow, I am really really sorry. I truly didn't know I had hurt you THIS badly."

I feel like I didn't really form coherent thoughts here ... I apologize for being all over the place.

Thanks for 'listening' to me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 6:43pm

katka,


so sorry you have to be on this board--it's a horrible club we never wanted or asked to be a member.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 6:26pm

My H had started with withdrawal from me and started to get angry with me over the littlest things. I found out by accident really - we were changing a lot of stuff with phones around and I checked to make sure they charged the correct amount... and that's when I saw her number - all day every day. I asked him about it... denied. I looked it up and even when I had proof he STILL denied it. (duh). He said it was his friend's phone and they shared the phone (double duh). He didn't admit to an emotional affair until beginning of July when I asked him why he wouldn't stop talking to her (almost on a daily basis). He told me he didn't want to talk to me or anyone... and that's when I saw her on there every day all day. It made me want to vomit the amount of time they spend talking to each other, building something that everyday we were losing. (Oh, by the way this all started 2 days after my birthday).

He denied that he ever had a physical affair with this girl. But I told him he sounded exactly like he did when he even denied TALKING to her in the first place. He ended our conversation on Friday (the day I found out) very cryptic (and if I was in a better state of mind I would have discussed it more then). He said, "I don't know why I did that... I hate people who cheat". So I'm not sure if it was the emotional affair he was talking about or the possible physical affair.

I explained to him that I wanted to believe him... but that he had lied to me for 4 months straight. And why would this other wife (whose husband also had an affair with the same girl) want to make me feel the way she did when she found out (I don't think she would... but then again, there are some messed up people out there). The funny part was that I was JUST beginning to think we could maybe work through this EA... and then I received this email. The reason I do find it believable is... timelines. April it started... this person knew that. They also knew what state he was stationed in... and that he was UP there right now (7 hours away from here). They knew that he was in town last week... he almost didn't even tell ME he was in town last week. H's response to why the other woman's husband made it all up was "He didn't like that I was talking to his girlfriend so much." (UM, HELLO! IF he didn't like it and it was an affair HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR WIFE FELT?!)

I think what makes this sickening to me the most is that this girl who had the affair (PA AND EA) with TWO Married men at the same time has apparently done this before. My H also got her into the national guard unit in the same state that he's stationed in.... "But it was just because he knew people there" (excuse me... but that's a load of crap... you call them, they call others and she can get into a guard unit somewhere else). Oh, and she's an officer (JUST graduated college) and both married men are enlisted... so why WHY would she try that because she's just ruining her career! Dumb.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 5:56pm
Sorry this has happened.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 10:35pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 3:59pm

Thanks. I've asked him about it and of course he denies it. I thought everything that had gone on was an emotional affair and I was just beginning to think that maybe we could work through it (found out May 10)... and then I get this. Just hard to hear and even comprehend really.

I read today that it takes 8 months from finding out to even start to heal from something like this. If I have to feel like this for 8 months... I just want to fast forward time.

I'm sorry you had to see the texts... I can't imagine... just hearing about it and seeing all the calls and texts makes me sick... I can't imagine seeing....

Katka

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 3:18pm