Three months later...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Three months later...
4
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 9:15pm
Hi all.... I haven't posted in a while.
It's been exactly 3 months since the day I found out my husband had been cheating on me our entire 8 months of our marriage with a woman he worked with. He quit his job in October (when I became skeptical), and just recently started a new job at an urgent care clinic. So we had pretty much the last 3 months of constant "togetherness", which was nice to a certain degree. However, he promised he'd go to counseling, etc and yet has not made one single move to do so. I had told him initially that if he didnt than there was no way I could think of moving past this. He said he understood and regardless of if I stayed or went, he was going to get help! HE HAS NOT! While we do have really good moments and days, I am still so extremely sad inside and can not get past any of this. I tell him how I feel and he "acts" sympathetic momentarily, he does nothing to make me "feel" better. He still will not give me any details at all and says things like"I really hope you can be happy with me". I respond with "I hope so too". Every time he touches me or wants to be intimate, all ICANN think about is them together. It makes me sick to my stomach and even more depressed. Keep in mind he still expects sex from me at least at a minimum 2 times a day. I've told him how it makes me feel, then it's all silence for an hour and then he tries again! On top of it all, his new job consists of him being out of town 2 to 3 nights a week and then works in town the other days. I couldn't trust him (although I didn't know at the time) when he was coming home every night! I feel like I know what I need to do but scared at the same time. I truly love him and yes he is good to me (when he's not totally betraying me) and provides but that doesnt make everything that's happened just disappear. In his mind, I think it has. He hasn't had to make one effort and I'm still here.... Making it all seem ok! I am more depressed than I was when I found out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 11:04am

Hi dmh81,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 11:17am
Hello again DM- the aftermath leaves us all in a fluctuating cycle of emotion, confusion, fear, anger, sadness, etc. that you are more depressed now seems normal to me. Right after we function on adrenaline and hypersensitivity. It's as time passes when we can open our eyes and truly "see" that I found the most painful.

You should not feel that you need to keep it together and try to get back to normal. You have been dealt a devastating blow to your inner psyche and it will prob take us all years to rebuild ourselves after betrayel of this kind. You do not have to be intimate with your husband if you can't right now. If it causes you too much pain, give yourself permission to take a step away from that.

Concerns I have from your post relate to your H not taking the initiative to go to counseling #1. His actions speak louder than his words. That is what you want to be listening to. If that was one of your conditions to give your marriage a shot he has failed. The other thing is that he should be an open book and should answer any and all questions you have with every detail you require to try and put the story together. I asked so many questions over and over. It is just too bad if you have "gone over that" 20 times before. Too bad if he doesn't want to talk about it. If he is truly remorseful and wanting to rebuild, he should be doing anything and everything to put you at ease.

I am quickly approaching the year mark and I can tell you that I am still sorting thru the wreckage. I honestly don't know if our marriage can survive. I know that if we can pull out of this the marriage is changed. I don't try to get past the affair anymore because it is now a part of our past relationship. With it good things have come, but bad has come too.

Make sure he is clear about what you need in order for your marriage to stand a chance. Write a list for you if necessary. Your list though is more than a list, and if he doesn't step up, you will know what you have to do and when you have to do it. This is your marriage and your life. You are beautiful, you are worthy of love, respect and honesty from your spouse. Stay strong, stay true to you.

Take care friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 11:20pm
Thank you ladies for your support. It helps in ways I can't explain. I am a smart woman, everything you all say, is confirmation of things I've already thought or know... If that makes since?! I'm not stupid or naive, I know the whole thing is so screwed up from A all the way to Z. Me already knowing this and not being confused on knowing what I deserve makes me more depressed. @stillstanding- when you say "stay true to myself", is exactly what bothers me the most... I feel like I do not even recognize my own reflection in the mirror for the simple fact that I'm allowing myself to conform in a sense to all of this... For staying. @ Ollie , what I meant by treats me good... He tries to reassure me in his own selfish ways, very "loving", kind, etc. But he always has been, so that doesn't mean much at this point.
I just feel so lost from myself. I feel as if I'm fighting for something that only exist on the surface...if you know what I mean. On an upside... I did get a job a month ago. That has given me some strength...
This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but in a way I feel powerless because I feel that him not taking initiative, he has made my decision for me. I had hoped and prayed for god to give me a sign that my marriage was going to survive and yet haven't seen one yet... Maybe that's the sign...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 1:21am
Your true self is there within you. You knew her years ago, but somehow along the way, you lost her, but she can be found. I remember many months of thinking the exact same things. Who the hell am I? Who have I become? I don't recognize this stranger. And I think just knowing that and realizing that at another time in my life I was vibrant, not dull, healthy, not sapped, strong, not weak was me waking up from a dead sleep and things were going to change come hell or high water because I made promises to myself and I am going to keep them. I was DONE with all the negatives. That vibrant, healthy and whole young woman would of taken on any challenge. That person wouldn't give a second to a man who was selfish, sneaky, abusive. I was that person once, I can be her again. I will be true to myself. My wants and needs are just as important. I will not be 4th or 5th to anyone again. I will be loved and accepted for me. I expect honesty and truths. I will never be dictated to, or told I was defective in anyway ever again. On and on my own doctrine goes. That's what being true to me means. My H affair took the lid off so many things, and my life light, my inner glow was damn near out, down to a wee flicker. I realized that no one in the world can blow me out but me and that's just how it had to be.

You do what you gotta do. Life has a way of letting us know when we are to act. You will know when your time comes. Please keep us posted. Big hug to you.