This time last year...
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|Wed, 03-03-2010 - 12:11pm|
I meant to post this on this board:
I have entered into the time when my H's affair was in full swing last year. We are working on rebuilding and in most ways are marriage improved ten fold. He is a better person and continues to work overtime to rebuild trust and to make me happy. I'm trying hard not to let my mind wander to the "this time last year" slippery slope. I have the memory of elephant for dates and spent a lot of time piecing together when certain things happened. As we approach these dates, it takes the wind out of my sails.
I have been having a thought lately then maybe something needs to die, to grow again. We got together when we were so young, bringing a lot of personal baggage from childhood to the table. Therapist says sometimes you marry people to heal you or....to keep the familiar feelings from childhood alive. The latter is the case for us. I am trying to use this "poison" which is the affair as medicine to open up to the possible that someone can hurt you so badly, be truly sorry and make amends. I have always been very guarded but find myself taking chances with him that surprise me sometimes.
I see him as a human being with flaws and with deep emotional pain. It was out of that confusion and pain that he made choices, that while they felt were satisfying a need, only served to create more pain. Out of the pain of my life, I chose to close myself off to emotional closeness and turn inward. Even though I knew I wanted very much to be different, I know that I continued to make choices that strengthened my habit of being closed off. At the end of the day, he chose to do what he did. Always looking for others to validate him, he strengthened his own habits. While he was looking to me for validation, I was turning inward, and definitely not giving him the ego stroking he craved so intensely, that he never had. When the validation came, and boy did it ever, it was like a drug. We all know what people will do for drugs, no matter the risk, no matter the cost.
So it's hard thinking about this time last year, and remembering vividly the lies and remember on this specific date last year, we were driving here or there or whatever....and he acted like everything was ok.
What I do know, is that he loves me. Not because he is working overtime to make things right, but because it put a crack in the walls I worked so hard to keep up. I know that he does because I can finally feel it. Not all the time, I'm not there yet. But sometimes, I do and it makes me think that maybe I never felt it before.