Trying to clear my head...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2002
Trying to clear my head...
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 3:12pm

Hello everyone,

I've just been dealing with so much, I'm hoping that if I can just get some of it out of me, I can clear my head and think. I'm going overboard. :/

Been married 11 years, and as I reflect, it seems as though much of it has been a self induced storm. Almost two years into our marriage, our fights escalated, so I urged a separation for us to both sit back and realize what we were doing wasn't healthy. In that time my H found a woman to help him through this (with the help of his friends and family). A few months go by and we decide to reconciliate, we get pregnant, everything is great! Yeah, hello delusional! There has always been this huge gap in communication between us. As time went on, I figured I would stop pressuring him so much to "talk about our feelings" so much, even though there were times when I was so stressed out, I really needed someone to vent to. But we would never really talk. There was always this anger burning down inside of him, and if there was any kind of stress, he would just blow up. He would blame it on work, or something of the sort. So we never really talked. But, he is a very talkative man, only he discusses our problems with anyone and everyone but me. I seriously feel so uncomfortable in this town. I feel like everybody knows my business. Eww.

Anyway, back to history with this OW. She has been a lingering disturbance ever since our separation. I believe he's established some connection with her, although he won't admit it. H has always been demanding of attention, and after we had our child, I was just too tired. Sigh. He responded so angrily towards me, and was downright cruel at times, I just couldn't do it. How can someone find themselves attracted to a person who's berating them? So he began texts and phone calls. Using his work phone, trying to hide it from me. When I confronted him, he claimed, "We're just talking. She's has marriage trouble too, and we're swapping advice" or some other such nonsense. I asked him to stop communicating with her, and told him if WE have problems, then WE should discuss them. So I thought we were agreed. But no, not even a year later while he was working out of town, he told her to come visit him.

My H did not come clean until over 3 years later. Lying to my face day after day, telling me all of our problems were my fault. It felt like I had to beat his admission out of him, because I already knew what he had done. It affected everything. Every day. He bashed me to his friends and family, led them on to believe I was the devious person. They even egged on his A! No decency, whatsoever. In all, I am hoping to work through all of this. We are both working on changing. Most times though, I feel the damage is done. I look back, and its seems as though the few good times are shadowed by the bad. I'm uncertain that if I really to want to keep my marriage alive, that I'll be able to find the strings to hold on to. Our past seems so hollow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2013
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 4:21pm

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.  I can only imagine how you are feeling!  Have you thought about going to individual counseling to work through your emotions and feelings?  Praying for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 10:33am

What exactly is there about your marriage that you want to save?  I read about a history of fighting, cruelty & infidelity but I don't see anything positive that you wrote about your DH.  I agree that if he thinks that all the marriage problems are your fault, he will just keep going on as he has before and he will think that you have to do all the work.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 7:48am

Are you sure you are both working on changing, because if he lied to you for three years and blames you for everything that is wrong it is unlikely that he thinks there is anything he needs to work on. I think you may have again gotten him to say that he wants to be married and to work on the relationship, but do you actually believe that will happen or are you just wasting more time? Also, why do you want to stay married to someone who is so much more interested in someone else and blames you for all of his problems? This isn't good for you or your child.