Trying to clear my head...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2002
Trying to clear my head...
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 3:10pm

Hello everyone,

I've just been dealing with so much, I'm hoping that if I can just get some of it out of me, I can clear my head and think. I'm going overboard. :/

Been married 11 years, and as I reflect, it seems as though much of it has been a self induced storm. Almost two years into our marriage, our fights escalated badly, so I urged a separation for us to both sit back and realize what we were doing wasn't healthy. In that time my H found someone to help him through this (with the help of his friends and family). A few months go by and we decide to reconciliate, we get pregnant, everything is great! Not! There has always been this huge gap in communication between us. As time went on, I stopped pressuring him so much to "talk about our feelings" so much, even though there were times when I was so stressed out, I really needed someone to vent to. But we would never really talk. There was always this anger burning down inside of him, and if there was any kind of stress, he would just blow up. He would blame it on work, or something of the sort. But, he is a very talkative man, only he discusses our problems with anyone and everyone but me. I seriously feel so uncomfortable in this town. I feel like everybody knows my business. Eww.

Anyway, back to history with this OW. She has been a lingering disturbance ever since our separation. I believe he's established some connection with her, although he won't admit it. H has always been demanding of attention, and after we had our child, sigh, I was simply too tired. Sigh. He would respond so angrily towards me, and was downright cruel at times, I couldn't do it. How can someone find themselves attracted to a person who's berating them? So he began texts and phone calls. Using his work phone, trying to hide it from me. When I confronted him, he claimed, "We're just talking. She's has marriage trouble too, and we're swapping advice" or some other such nonsense. I asked him to stop communicating with her, and told him if WE have problems, then WE should discuss them. So I thought we were agreed. But no, not even a year later while he was working out of town, he told her to come visit him.

My H did not come clean until over 3 years later. Lying to my face day after day, telling me all of our problems were my fault. It felt like I had to beat his admission out of him, because I already knew what he had done. It affected everything. Every day. He bashed me to his friends and family, led them on to believe I was the devious person. They even egged on his A! No decency, whatsoever. In all, I am hoping to work through all of this. We are both working on changing. Most times though, I feel the damage is done. I look back, and its seems as though the few good times are shadowed by the bad. I'm uncertain that if I really to want to keep my marriage alive, that I'll be able to find the strings to hold on to. Our past seems so hollow.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 2:17am


May I recommend that you go to the bottom of the list of threads and click on the See All Threads In This Board. I posted a thread called something like, advice from a veteran. I hope I have some good general advice for you there.

Relationships are tricky. We often talk way past each other. I’m not a Christian, but I found this Christian book called. The Five Love Languages to be really useful in identifying why my spouse and I were talking past each other. I never would have understood this about myself had I not read this book, but if I get upset with the kids or the house or whatever. If my spouse will calmly walk over to me and touch me, and acknowledge that I’m frustrated, I can usually calm down quickly. My key love language is touch. My wife’s is quality time. If I give her a gift or flowers, she is upset that I spent money. If I try to touch her when she is mad, no good, but if I talk to her, or give her fun, we do amazing. I struggle with fun. I’m a worker bee. I get satisfaction through service, fixing things and work. Not talking! Which is why I thought my main love language was service. Nope. Service is #2. I want her to touch me. That communicates love to me.

What I’m trying to say is that my spouse and I naturally talk past each other big time. She found people who gave her the love language I didn’t give her and she had affairs with those men. I’m trying to fill that hole in her life now so that she doesn’t have to look elsewhere.

I hope there was something above for you.

You don’t deserve to be cheated on. I hope you find peace somehow.



We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.