Trying to figure it out

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2009
Trying to figure it out
4
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 11:34am
Last week Thursday, I discovered that my husband was talking to another woman who was supposedly one of his friends behind my back. They had been text messaging back and forth since October of last year talking about meeting up and having sex. He was going to pay her some money to have sex with him, or so that was what they were talking about. I never checked my husband's phone before that morning, but something told me I needed to. Once I confronted him, he was dumbfounded and could not explain, but later when we talked about it, he apologized sincerely and told me he was being stupid and perverted. He felt horrible for being inconsiderate to me and my feelings, and how it would make him feel if he were in my place. The worst part is that when I met him and got to know him over time, he came off as a man who would never be unfaithful because he preached so harshly against it. He used to wake up in the middle of the night crying because he had a dream I was unfaithful to him!!! Both of us have been hurt in the past by people we have been in relationships with because of them cheating on us. So I never in my mind had any doubts about my husband. We have had a slowed down sex life since our son was born. He is now 3-years-old, and things are getting easier with him. However, we all live in a small guest house at the back of my husband's mom's place because we cannot afford to live anywhere else right now. So our son shares a room with us and it is very uncomfortable for my husband to make love in the same room with him. He also just confessed to me last night that the reason why we don't make love as much anymore is because he doesn't see me the way he did before we had our son. He looks at me as a mother figure now, so his feelings toward me are similar to the feelings he has toward his own mother. When he said that, I admit I always knew it in the back of my mind and somewhere in my heart, but it was still like being stabbed in the chest with a butcher knife. I stayed up most of the night crying and upset because I can't come to terms with how we are going to fix this marriage if he can't look at me the way he used to and think of me the way he used to. I still think of him the way I did when we first got together, even though he has changed a lot and treats me differently than he promised me he would. He used to do the whole romantic thing and we'd go out all the time. We both knew all of this would change when my son was born, but I don't think he took it too lightly. He still wanted to do the things he did before our son came along, so I take it as he wasn't ready to be a husband or a father yet. If he was, the sacrifices wouldn't have been so hard to make. I made tons of sacrifices to make him happy and be a good mother to our son. I just don't know what to do. The Friday after I found out about that girl, I checked my husband's phone again only to discover that he had been posting ads on craigslist looking for a good time with other women. Finding that out was like being slapped in the face nine times before being shot in the heart. We talked everything over and he swears nothing happened, but how will I ever know? I feel confused, betrayed, and like nothing will ever be the same again, but I want this marriage to work somehow. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I can't help but feel like I didn't do enough of something to keep his eyes on me, keep his attention fixed on me, making him come to me for his sexual needs when he felt like he needed them met. My husband used to initiate the sex until our son was born, so I never needed to let him know when I wanted it, he always quenched my thirst. After our son was born, however, things changed drastically! I was the one trying to initiate the sex, but would get turned down time and time again. So after awhile, I stopped and told him that when he was ready to make love, let me know, because I'm here and I'm ready all the time. But nothing has really happened, we would have sex like once every three months and then I found this out. I just don't know what to do. We can't afford counseling, we're living paycheck to paycheck, and we have our son to think about other than ourselves. Also, I am a full time student and I'm at the end of the semester with finals coming up and I'm trying to focus on my schoolwork, but find myself falling behind because of this. Please help!
mommyruhtie
mommyruhtie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 12:15pm

You say you are in school, is there counseling available on campus? What about medical?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 1:13pm
I thought the same thing that he must be relieving himself by going elsewhere, but he keeps assuring me that he never did anything nor would he have gone through with it, that it was just a stupid mistake he made. So I asked him how he was relieving himself when he felt the urge for sex, and he told me that he was masturbating. I just don't understand why he would result to masturbating knowing that I am here every day waiting for him to make the move on me. I know a relationship should not be based on sex, and we agreed that we would not at the beginning of our relationship. We had a healthy sex life even while I was pregnant. It wasn't until after the baby was born that things changed. I think we do need to make more time for each other, and I have stressed that to him. Only time will tell if it actually works!
mommyruhtie
mommyruhtie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 2:16am
I was going to make the same suggestion, many counseling services will work with you on fees.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 8:18am

HI, So sorry you are here but welcome. I think you need to take a good hard look at his excuses. HE seems very immature and has obviosly read a book opr 2 on psychology. Get yourself tested and get into counseling. It's the only path to the real truth.


S