Trying to forgive and move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2012
Trying to forgive and move on
6
Tue, 02-14-2012 - 5:12pm

I found out in early January that my husband of 4 years has been having an affair for the last 6 months. I started suspecting something in November because he was always texting on his phone and when I would ask who he was talking to, he would get defensive. It all came out when I found letters to the OW that indicated that the trips that I thought were backpacking trips with his male friends were actually trips to go see her. The letters were very romantic and he said things like he loved her and she was special and even talked about how they should leave their spouses (she is also married and has 5 kids BTW). I was in utter shock and I still am. He is not the type of person to do this, he has always been a good husband and while we had little arguments here and there, it was never serious enough to think about ending the relationship.Also our sex life has always been healthy, with most of my married friends telling me we had sex way more than they ever did on a regular basis.

It's been a little over a month since all this happened. Since then we have been going to marriage counseling and he has admitted to having an addiction to porn (I had no idea), he has sexted other women i.e. sending pics of his junk to them and having pics of OW's junk (I had to find that one out on my own - found a pic of a vagina in his email), and not only did he have an affair, he met this woman on a dating website and has been on dating websites pretty much our whole relationship.

We have a 1 year old son and he is the reason I am trying to work through all of this. If we didn't have a child, I would be gone. It's the hardest and most painful experience of my life and I wouldn't wish the anger, pain, hurt, and just hate for myself that this happened to me on anyone.

The problem that I am having now is that the OW is still texting him. She texted him yesterday to tell him that she left her husband. When all of this first came out I emailed and texted her twice to say stay out of our lives and stop contacting my H. Since then she has contacted him about 7 times, we have ignored each communication, but it's not working she still thinks she can have a relationship with my H. So I emailed her and threatened to file a restraining order against her. Most of my friends agree that it was time for me to take a stand against her, but some of them thought it was a bad move because my email might fuel her craziness. Have any of you had this issue with the OW continuing to pursue your H? I am pretty sure my H is not contacting her behind my back, why would he show me her texts if he still wants to contact her? But that's also my deep concern that all this hard work and pain that I am going through now to try to forgive and move on is just going to be for nothing if he is lying to me again.

This is so hard and I feel so horrible about myself and my life right now, again if I didn't have my 1 year old, I wouldn't make it through this. Any advice or support is welcome and appreciated. Thanks!

Murrayll

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 1:46am
You could have him get rid of the email she's been contacting him on. If she don't have his e mail she can't contact him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 10:42am

Hugs murrayll!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 1:08pm
I also agree with ollie about the NOT contacting the OW. As ollie said, the more responsive you are to her, the more she knows she is getting your goat. She will then start looking at this as becoming a competition for your H between you and her. So don't even give her the satisfaction of knowing she's getting to you in any way. Ignore her and work with your H on your marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2012
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 3:20pm

Thank you for the responses. To answer your questions....she is texting him only, that's the only way she can contact him besides calling his general office number and asking for him, which she has done. He has terminated his email accounts and Facebook page that she used to contact him on and I have checked so I know he has followed through on that. I know he can just create a new email to talk to her, but if he is doing that then we are done anyway, but I don't think he is. He has tried to block the number, but it hasn't worked, which I said was sketchy, but he showed me where he emailed IT (its his work phone) and they said they are working on it.

Yes, we are both in MC now and he goes for individual as well. I do still love him despite all of this so in addition to staying together for our son, I am trying to save my marriage. Thanks for the reminder that if this isn't going to work and I do leave him that my son will see me as a strong person that demands respect, I like that and it does help to think that way instead of thinking that I am kicking his father out of the picture.

I believe that my H is trying to do everything he can to make things right again, but I know it's a long process and it just hurts to know that this happened to us in the first place. I have made it clear that if there are any other lies or if I find out that he hasn't been honest about past behaviors (this was big because he kept lying to me in the beginning about what he had done) then we are done. I just feel so humiliated and just sad that our "perfect" family wasn't so perfect and it's an everyday struggle.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Murrayll

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-15-2012 - 3:38pm
Your welcome. If he really gets what he did was wrong and is truly remorseful, there is always hope for a reconciliation. I think the fact that he's going to couseling and seeking help is a good sign that he does know he royally screwed up. I hope for your sons sake as well as your own that you can really work this out. GOOD LUCK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 02-16-2012 - 10:37am

We wish you the best Murrayll!