Turned down a visit with the wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Turned down a visit with the wife
34
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 3:31pm

I turned down the opportunity to see my wife next weekend. I told my attorney and my T that I was not ready yet. I got a call from lawyer wanting answers and I just hung up on him. I had my attorney send him a letter stating that from now on all questions from my W or her attorney will be in written form. I will respons the same way.


My MIL is having problems now. It seems

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Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 4:02pm

Jack

"I told my attorney and my T that I was not ready yet."

Not to be insensitive. I'm a betrayed spouse also. But you lived with this woman for many years. I get that you are upset with her. That she betrayed every trust. I'm living that myself. But what if she is trying to apologize? People do make bad mistakes. And even if you can't get over what she did. Don't you think it would be worth giving her one shot to say something? Of course that's your call.

My spouse and the OM apologized to me. I felt it was sincere. I have to say, It went a long way for my healing. Maybe I'm way off base. Sorry if I am.

My best to you and your children.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 5:03pm

Thomas: Believe me it was not an easy decision but right now I am not too sure how I would react to her. I don't know that if she * were too apologize* I would accept it.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 5:44pm

Jack

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am. I'm just over six months after D Day. My spouse had affairs with four men, one of them was a close friend. The stuff she did with one of them hurt me to the core.

DW asked me in mid July if I wanted a divorce. She told me she was "talking" to other men as school. I purchased a few books on affairs thinking it was just an emotional thing. Flirting and what not. I made the choice to try and repair my marriage. I made big personal changes. My spouse didn't think I would make any changes and began to regret what she had done. After two weeks she realized that she wanted to work things out with me but felt she had to come clean about things. I found another man in the phone records and began asking questions. On August 5, she told me everything. That said, I had some tools in place that helped me cope with some of this on some level. The books told me to hang onto the marriage and have a wait and see. It said, wait a few months, and see if you feel different. I feel lucky because My spouse made major changes in both thought and actions. Six months in and I still see changes.

I'm not saying this will be the case for you. But people can change. Like I said, I'm lucky. If my spouse had stayed in contact with any of the OM. I'm sure that would have put the nails in the coffin. I don't live in a fairy tale relationship. It's hard. I have to work at my feelings every day.

My spouse deserved to be kicked to the street for what she did. It was everything I had not to hurt those men and go to jail. I can't say we will never get a divorce or anything. But, I could not live with myself if I didn't give her a chance. Not a great big chance. But a shot at making it work. In my case, my spouse took that window of opportunity and made changes. And so am I. I'm not going to say it's all candy-and-roses. But it's not a living hell. Not even close.

My heart goes out to you. You do what you need to do and we will all be here to support you in what you choose.

My best!

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Rebuilding




Edited 2/12/2009 5:48 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 6:39pm

Dear Jack,


I think that it was a wise decision not to see your wife right now if you feel that your anger is unpredictable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 6:44pm

Hi Jack,


Considering all that you've been through (and are going through), I can understand that you feel that you are not ready yet to confront her, let alone be in the same room with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 10:59pm

Jack


I just wanted to add that I think you deciding to wait is what YOU need. I think it is wise to wait to see your wife til you have more time and more tools to handle the situation. My H was admitted and went through an inpatient program. It was difficult for me --and my children--one was 9 and the other was newborn. But I made it through by myself by sheer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 9:51am

Trust yourself and your own judgment about what you can handle, but you are only putting off the inevitable. Eventually you will have to come in contact with her and it is best to start preparing yourself now for that eventuality for the sake of your girls.

DH's xW left him in the worst way possible by design. I won't go into the psychology of why, just suffice it to say that she was diagnosable. They were moving to the Midwest from the West Coast for a job and DH and SD (then 13) came in the middle of the summer to set up the house and get ready for school while his then W stayed behind to finish her degree. There was no indication during the six weeks they were separated that she intended to leave him. Their M was not good, but they were committed to one another. She was here for a couple of days before she dropped the bombshell that she wasn't staying. When SD refused to leave with her she told SD a bunch of lies about DH to persuade her to go, but it backfired on her. It became clear that while she was finishing her degree, she was living like she was single. When she went back, she moved in with the man she is now unhappily M to. She made the Divorce as difficult as she could and when DH didn't jump when she said to, she used SD to get at him, and vice versa. It was like she was punishing them for her own bad decisions as a way to justify them. A couple of months after she left him, DH and I met and I watched how she tortured them because of her own guilt. After SD came running down the stairs, threw her phone across the room, screamed "I want to kill myself" as we heard her mom yelling over the phone, then crumbled to the ground sobbing, I had a serious talk with DH about his responsibility to protect SD and himself. After that, he became Pappa bear and his xW never knew what hit her. She didn't give up trying to twist the knife until years later and she only stopped delaying the divorce when she got pregnant with another man's child a year and a half after she left DH.

DH was so angry with his xW for a very long time. He still hates her, but that is mostly because of how she continues to mess with SD (now 25). For instance, she told SD a week before her wedding that she didn't love SD enough to stay in an unhappy M, but she did love SD's younger sister enough to stay in her current unhappy M. DH had not been in close proximity with his xW until SD's wedding because she lived so far away that she wasn't here for most important events and when she was, she was careful to avoid DH. The wedding was difficult because of this, but I think it was more difficult for her because for the first time, she had to sit on the sidelines while I had the role of SD's mom and DH's W with DH's family and all the people SD knows here. I think that if we had been forced to deal with this early on, the wedding would not have been so uncomfortable. At one point, she tried to talk with DH, but he turned and walked away as if she were invisible. It was the first time she had to face the wider consequences of her decisions. Then, SD's birth experience was horrible. At one point, xW came out of the room and told DH what was going on. You could tell that she just wanted him to hold her and comfort her, but he turned his back on her and came to me to tell me what was going on and to hold me.

Since the D, SD has done her best to keep her parents apart, but I think she did everyone a disservice by doing so. If they had each stepped up and had been adults about it and forced themselves to learn how to tolerate the other's presence, SD could have concentrated on other things during the important events in her life. I found out recently that she resented me for not throwing her a graduation party when she graduated from college. She knows now that because her mom was here, I was told by DH and her grandma that I shouldn't because I would have to exclude her mom, who was here for a week before and a week after the graduation, and SD would not be happy about that. SD threw herself a party, but DH and I couldn't attend because her M was there.

The moral of the story is that I think you should work towards being able to tolerate her presence and then to be able to forgive her. By forgiveness, I mean letting go of the pain which has nothing to do with forgetting. This is both for yourself and your girls and truly has nothing to with her. The longer you put it off, the harder it is going to be both on you and on the girls. But, on the other hand, you know yourself and what you can handle, so don't rush something if it will make it harder in the long run. You have so much on your plate right now because of your W's horribly selfish decisions so I don't blame you for not wanting to see her. Really, the ball is in her court. If she does want forgiveness, if she does want to make this up to you, there is nothing stopping her from contacting you through the written word. If she wants to make contact, she will and I think it might be best if she were to make the first move.

Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 10:43am

Wow. Right now I am trying to get through each day. I met with my T this am and I explained what I was feeling. He said that I sounded like I had PTSD. I looked at him like he had 3 heads. He spoke with my primary care DR and they are going to give me something for anxiety.


Did I mention that I hate pills?


Two of my girls are going to see their mom. I have put 1 major condition on it and there is no negotiating on this. My mother will be with be her dad and the girls. I want to make sure that she does not try to blame me.


I hate to say it but I am alomst 25 lbs lighter (201 lbs) now and none of my clothes fit. I have jopined a health club and I am swimming alot. My girls love the pool. I am also learning to play tennis. I have to learn to stop swinging like its baseball.


One thing that I have noticed (it is really does make me wonder) is how many single.divorced women are out there. When my girls come out of the ladies room after swimming I am always complimented on how my girls stick together and watch out for each other. My oldest katie has heard a couple of women refer to me as a "hot dad"..Lord save me.....


Jack...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 10:44am

I appreciate everything you have posted. It sound slike you have peace. I hope to be there someday.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Fri, 02-13-2009 - 10:47am

Thanks. Right now I am just trying to be the Papa bear. No one messes with my girls. No ONE.


Her parents are having a very hard time with this. They feel I am not being supportive enough but I have since learned that when I get this I just end the conversation.


Taking it one day at a time.


Jack...


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