Ugh... why can't he just STOP?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Ugh... why can't he just STOP?!
17
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 7:29am

I've posted only a few times on this board, but I come here often to lurk, I don't have good advice yet for others but hope I can learn from the advice other posters are receiving.

My H was in military for 10 years.... now is National Guard, but went back to school full time in fall 2009. During that time he apparently developed a friendship with a girl (she was still in school). They swapped numbers and began texting everyday (pretty much from 8am until he got home for dinner then again for hours after I went to bed). Once I found out about that he said "we're just friends" - but before we got married there were to be no new opposite sex friends the other person didn't know - he stopped texting for about a month. They started up talking again in July, one night it was 12am - 5am pretty much nonstop - excuse for that? He was helping her get into a unit. We went through a lot of turmoil this summer, I think me more so than him, although I'm not sure.

He finally came back to the house (oh yeah, he moved out Apr 25 and didn't come back until Aug 26) and last night I was asking him where he was and he mentioned sending me a text (which I didn't get). So I went to check his phone to see if he really did send me one, and there is an email from this girl saying,

"Just wanted to thank you for calling me yesterday. It was really good to hear your voice. I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry as if those emails came off as harsh, I am just really hurt, but it was nice hearing that you still care yesterday. Well, hope you have a good week and maybe Ill see you around town sometime and talk to you this weekend since you said you would call." <-- I'm going out of town this weekend by myself... to a friend's wedding.

So when I asked if he called her he said no and that the email must have been delayed coming in and that he hasn't spoken to her. Then when I mentioned an EA (again) he said, "no, that's all you, I didn't have one, you put that in my head, that's why I said I did this summer... but that's a load of bs..." Then he started to tell me why he moved out in the first place, it was all because of me. Now, I'm not perfect, but I'm not going to take the blame for him going to someone else... but I will be partially responsible if there really were problems in our marriage (which I honestly didn't see!)

I've been going to IC since May, he said he's gone, we went to one MC appt in June and when we had one this week he 1. had to cancel at first then 2. forgot about it the day we were scheduled for.

Oh, our 2nd wedding anniversary is on Monday... we've been together for 5 years... was I just that naive before and he was doing this all along in our relationship? Or is this something new? I'm so confused! And hurt. I was at the point the other day to kick him out... but then I mention it and we blow up...

I'm not sure if this was just a vent or I need support to be strong... I can't take much more of this, it's killing me and if I cry he gets mad.. jerk.

Katrina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:18am

Hugs Katka83!

You just do not have secret "friends" when you are married or in a committed relationship. Do not believe what your H is saying to you, look only at his actions. Many WS's blame the BS's for their bad behavior and choices to deflect any guilt they feel. It is utter nonsense, please know that. it is crazy making for the BS! It makes you second guess yourself. Wonderful that you are going to IC! It is also telling that your H refuses to go. Please don't beat yourself up over this persons actions. You have absolutely no control over what he says or does. We only have control of our own thoughts or actions and our reactions to what others do and say.

My exh had an A within 2 years of our marriage and I think that says a lot about the person's character. You should be in the honeymoon phase and he is moving out of the house? IMHO he moved out of the house so he could continue this EA or possibly PA with this OW! Who knows if he was doing this all along in your relationship--just doing it NOW is bad enough.

I think you need to ask yourself what you are willing to live with? Do you want to deal with this nonsense your whole marriage? I would guess no, you certainly do not deserve it! Tell this man what you expect and deserve and see if he steps up to the plate. He must have remorse and not just be sorry he got caught! He needs to be an open book and actually have empathy for your emotions! He NEEDS IC and MC to find out what within him allows him to do this and treat his W so poorly. What the heck is this when you cry he gets mad? That is terrible! He caused the tears for heavens sake. Think better of yourself and do not accept this treatment. Start the 180 today--it's reposted below.

I have to wonder if somehow the military trains people to not have empathy or emotions. My exh (career military) had no empathy for me or anyone for that matter (one of the reasons I divorced him) and it seemed that the only emotion he possessed was anger.

Vent away Katrina but do the 180 and take back your sanity!

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 11:27am

OH My Katrina reading your post i almost felt like wait why is this person talking about my life.. there are some differences the school mainly and that my H lives some where else because of work.. but the texting and the emailing.. the lieing.. but most of all the trying to shift the blame to us.


my H still insists that i don't get him. that he's been hurting for "years" and i didn't seem to see or care... I'm lost to understand where he was coming from as I was right there too all those hurtful years and while as you said we are not perfect i don't see/feel that anything was done by me that would hurt him the way his A has hurt me.


the only advise i can offer here at the moment and you seem to know it yourself already is chin up.. keep posting here.. it's almost like I'm obsessed here.. I'm going to try the 180 plan about distancing myself from the H. it will either

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 12:09pm

Thank you so much for your kind words.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 5:03pm

Hi Katka83, I have two dogs and I took them with me when I moved out of my exh's house,I can so relate to your fears. Do you think he would take them? If you have any doubt I would take them to the kennel. Do you know anyone else who could take them for the weekend?

Seeing the words just puts it out there for you, maybe that is why it is so difficult? Sometimes when someone else sees it and shows you you know it is true and you aren't going crazy but you know you have to deal with it;) Hugs Katrina! This is great that you will have a weekend away, hopefully you will be able to think.

take care, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 7:14pm
Lots of us can relate to them having female friends they were keeping hidden from us, been there twice myself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 12:31am
I don't think he forgot it either. What I do think is that men resist counseling when they know they did something WRONG because they then have to FACE UP TO and ADMIT that they did something WRONG. And heaven forbid that male ego usually prevents them from ever wanting to admit that they did something WRONG.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 12:26am
We have to be very careful here. We can get out emotions in a twist when there is no reason. It is not unusual for people to have friends that the other has never met. If one is staying home the reality of the world is just that the house. If one is working there may be many acquaintances and friends that the other does not know. So we do have to be careful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 11:39am

Yes, it's not unusual... BUT... if there is nothing going on... why hide that particular friend?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 12:18pm
Exactly, when you are texting this so called friend throughout the middle of the nite when your spouse is sleeping, you know there is something going on there that your spouse is hiding. If it were so innocent why not do it when you are still up. In my opinion, you'd have to be pretty naive not to see this as a red flag.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 12:48pm
Perhaps to avoid fights. For myself I am very bold and will willing fight for my rights. Many are not so inclined. They are with person who browbeat them and after time are just advoidence behavior. As they are unable to stand up for themselves. So talking at 3am is not all that unusual and the time zones may also be a factor.

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