Ugh... why can't he just STOP?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Ugh... why can't he just STOP?!
17
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 7:29am

I've posted only a few times on this board, but I come here often to lurk, I don't have good advice yet for others but hope I can learn from the advice other posters are receiving.

My H was in military for 10 years.... now is National Guard, but went back to school full time in fall 2009. During that time he apparently developed a friendship with a girl (she was still in school). They swapped numbers and began texting everyday (pretty much from 8am until he got home for dinner then again for hours after I went to bed). Once I found out about that he said "we're just friends" - but before we got married there were to be no new opposite sex friends the other person didn't know - he stopped texting for about a month. They started up talking again in July, one night it was 12am - 5am pretty much nonstop - excuse for that? He was helping her get into a unit. We went through a lot of turmoil this summer, I think me more so than him, although I'm not sure.

He finally came back to the house (oh yeah, he moved out Apr 25 and didn't come back until Aug 26) and last night I was asking him where he was and he mentioned sending me a text (which I didn't get). So I went to check his phone to see if he really did send me one, and there is an email from this girl saying,

"Just wanted to thank you for calling me yesterday. It was really good to hear your voice. I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry as if those emails came off as harsh, I am just really hurt, but it was nice hearing that you still care yesterday. Well, hope you have a good week and maybe Ill see you around town sometime and talk to you this weekend since you said you would call." <-- I'm going out of town this weekend by myself... to a friend's wedding.

So when I asked if he called her he said no and that the email must have been delayed coming in and that he hasn't spoken to her. Then when I mentioned an EA (again) he said, "no, that's all you, I didn't have one, you put that in my head, that's why I said I did this summer... but that's a load of bs..." Then he started to tell me why he moved out in the first place, it was all because of me. Now, I'm not perfect, but I'm not going to take the blame for him going to someone else... but I will be partially responsible if there really were problems in our marriage (which I honestly didn't see!)

I've been going to IC since May, he said he's gone, we went to one MC appt in June and when we had one this week he 1. had to cancel at first then 2. forgot about it the day we were scheduled for.

Oh, our 2nd wedding anniversary is on Monday... we've been together for 5 years... was I just that naive before and he was doing this all along in our relationship? Or is this something new? I'm so confused! And hurt. I was at the point the other day to kick him out... but then I mention it and we blow up...

I'm not sure if this was just a vent or I need support to be strong... I can't take much more of this, it's killing me and if I cry he gets mad.. jerk.

Katrina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 3:00pm

She lives in this state... time zone isn't a factor for that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 4:56pm
Where in the universe did you learn all these myths?
life Rule #1 Never ever trust
#2 everybody will act in their own interest
#3 We all have something to hide
#4 see #1

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 6:52am
Adges by those who are fools and paranoid? Please! Trusting is foolish. If one looks out for themselves then they are not paranoid but aware that everyone has an agenda. Those are facts. So being aware of that is not paranoid but wise.
Another old saying: Familiarity breeds contempt.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 7:02am
Not at all. I talk to Asia at 4am! It is that the world is small. let's really think. Would you even in the most girlish romantic dream want someone to wake you at 3am? Sorry But she could be the goddess of desire and the most intelligent sexual,sensual woman alive but if she woke ME at 3 am when I wanted to sleep I would not be happy!!
Actually If I was talking to my friends in Asia and she started I would not be happy either!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 10:46am
Were not talking time zone differences here. 4am here is noon in Asia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 10:50am
Everyone may have an agenda but it's not always a negative one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 2:26pm
Their agenda and yours may be in conflict! Just because they are not out to do you harm does not mean that harm will not be done. So you must be aware that people will act on their sets of values, ideologies, and acculturation.
All may be counter your aims.
Add Murphy's law and it's corollary

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