Ultimate Betrayal

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2014
Ultimate Betrayal
8
Wed, 08-27-2014 - 7:58pm

About a month ago I found out that my husband is in love with his brothers sister and visa versa. They physically can't be together because his Parents wont allow him to live there (ABQ) were in (CA).  He attempted to cut it off with her a week and a half ago but has faltered and emails and facetimes with her from time to time at work. Today  he confessed that he spent a week with her and had intercourse numerous times. She was on her period at the time as well. He confessed today that she's pregnant. Keep in mind after this week long "fun" time, she was inimate with her husband and my husband and i were intimate as well. My husband had a vasectomy about a year ago. I've gotten my period since he's been back. She thinks its his but quite frankly my husband and i think differently because of the circumtsances (period, and vasectomy). If it is his brothers he's going to cut her off completely and commit to our marraige. But if its his, then he will leave our kids and i to be with her even it means his family will be broken and he will not have a family anymore. I keep telling him being with her is just immoral and selfish to be ok with losing your entire family over a girl.

if its not his, i'm willing to let him back into my life. But i'm scared of what that journey will look like, i know its a long hard process and I know i'm going to be going through all kinds of emotions. He did the most ultimate thing a spouse could do. How do i work through this? Can i get past this? Can our marraige get past this?

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Wed, 08-27-2014 - 10:47pm
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I haven't been here in a couple of years but I'm not completely over my husband's emotional affair. I'm believing him when he said it wasn't sexual, but who knows. The 1st days weeks and months are tough and you can get great support here and other topics as well. Today my husband says he loves me more than I tell him, which use to be the other way around. He's been good to me as I have grieved. To answer your question, who knows. If you both are willing to try and stay committed to your relationship it can lead to better times. But I still have not forgotten and remember it at the weirdest times. It's not easy but starting over isn't either I wish you luck and remeber to be kind to yourself!!! Crazyheart422
Hurts have taught me never to give up loving Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Wed, 08-27-2014 - 10:48pm
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I haven't been here in a couple of years but I'm not completely over my husband's emotional affair. I'm believing him when he said it wasn't sexual, but who knows. The 1st days weeks and months are tough and you can get great support here and other topics as well. Today my husband says he loves me more than I tell him, which use to be the other way around. He's been good to me as I have grieved. To answer your question, who knows. If you both are willing to try and stay committed to your relationship it can lead to better times. But I still have not forgotten and remember it at the weirdest times. It's not easy but starting over isn't either I wish you luck and remeber to be kind to yourself!!! Crazyheart422
Hurts have taught me never to give up loving Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2010
Wed, 08-27-2014 - 10:48pm
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I haven't been here in a couple of years but I'm not completely over my husband's emotional affair. I'm believing him when he said it wasn't sexual, but who knows. The 1st days weeks and months are tough and you can get great support here and other topics as well. Today my husband says he loves me more than I tell him, which use to be the other way around. He's been good to me as I have grieved. To answer your question, who knows. If you both are willing to try and stay committed to your relationship it can lead to better times. But I still have not forgotten and remember it at the weirdest times. It's not easy but starting over isn't either I wish you luck and remember to be kind to yourself!!! Crazyheart422
Hurts have taught me never to give up loving Be willing to take another risk and chance, otherwise tomorrow may be empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 08-27-2014 - 11:06pm
Wouldn't his brothers sister also be his sister?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 08-27-2014 - 11:53pm

I'm going to guess that "sister" was a typo, and you meant to say "wife".  I don't see how you can "fix" anything because your husband has said he's in love with her, and if the baby is his, he's going to leave you and be with her....and I guess if his brother is going to leave her......then they'll be free to be together.  That's sick all the way around.  Ok, your husband made a mistake, a BIG one.....and now he says that if it IS his, he will leave you AND his children to be with her and his new child.  In other words, he doesn't give a rats a$$ about you or his children....that he'll leave you at the drop of a hat, or a DNA test.  In your position, I would tell him to go NOW.....because he obviously wants her.  A "normal" man might say if it's his, he'll pay child support, or he might even bring the child to live in your home......but to just dump you and the children he has now......that's about as low as a man can get!.  Your family is already broken.......his heart is somewhere else.  If it turns out to NOT be his baby......then he will "settle" for you and your children.  He has already BEEN immoral and selfish.......but if it's not his child, then he will stay with you!  Why would you want him when he is saying you are second best?  I would pack his bags........I (and your children) would be better off if we were in a broken MARRIAGE than in a broken home, and your home has already been broken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-28-2014 - 10:24am

As far as I know, a DNA test can't be done until the baby is born, so are you supposed to live in limbo, not knowing what he wants to do, for 8 months or so?  Not to mention, I am not a scientist but wouldn't he & his brother basically have the same DNA?  I'm sure there are very sophisticated tests that might be able to tell the difference, but who is going to pay for this?  And his plan does not even make sense to me--why would he feel that if they are going to have a baby together that should require him to leave his family and his other children?  It sounds to me that he's just looking for an excuse to leave you--oh, we had a baby, so now I HAVE to leave you.  Does his brother know about the affair too?  I would tell him that he need to make up his mind now, before the baby is born, who he wants to be with--you obviously can't rebuild your marriage while he is wavering and considering who he wants to be with.  And no matter what, what he has done is going to cause huge problems in his own bio family because he won't be able to be in the same place as his brother and I'm sure his parents are going to favor his brother now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Thu, 08-28-2014 - 7:05pm

Music, no one has the same DNA. They would have the same Y chromosone but they will be able to tell, if all three (the two men and the mother) are tested  who has the higher probability of being the father...

However, one of the 'potential' fathers  has had a vasectomy. Chances are that after a year, his sperm count is zero. It usually takes up to two months (up to 20 "occasions') for the sperm count to go to zero.  Unless the vasetomy was done improperly or he was a monk for the last year, the chances are he is his the father is nil.

Plus, the sister-in-law was having her period. Although it is possible she can get pregnant with a partner with viable sperm count, it is highly unlilkely. It all depends when she ovulates and how short her cycle is. Women tend to ovulate mid-way in their cycle and sperm can live for 3 to 5 days in a woman's body.  A woman with a short cycle-say 24 days, would ovulate on her 12th day. If she had sex on the 7th or 8th day of a period, the sperm would still be 'just'  viable when she ovulated on the 12th day.  But really people, you would have to  have the dates all lined up perfectly.  There has to be a viable egg there for there to be conception.Most woman with normal 28 to 32 day cycle with 2 to 8 day long periods will not get pregnant while on their periods.

So, push him to get a sperm count done IMMEDIATELY.. Make sure your brother-in-law knows the results because he has the right to have access to his child. Your sister-in-law may not want the child's father to be her husband but she should have thought about that,before she had unprotected sex with her husband.

I would also, if I were you, pay a visit to a lawyer to make sure that you and your kids are protected.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Tue, 09-16-2014 - 12:01pm

BeachRoxyChris, how can you accept him into your life after he's clearly stated he'd be with her and leave you and the kids? In his heart and mind he's already made a decision. Regardless if the child is his or not he has completely checked out of your marriage. He's willing to leave everything just to be with her and please know that if the child belongs to his brother he may still remain involved with her to some capacity. How can you continue in a marriage knowing he's in LOVE with someone else? Love yourself more and please don't hurt yourself anymore.