Unwillingness to discuss affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Unwillingness to discuss affair
7
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 11:47pm
Okay, so its been two months since I discovered my wifes affair. She has been pretty unwilling to discuss it, has tired to tell me she is "in pain from the affair" as well and gets annoyed when I ask her if the OM is trying to email or phone her. I was hopeful that she would get it and really understand what she has done, but I am beginning to lose hope for restoring this marraige. Has anyone else experienced this? advice?
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 2:19am

Are you SURE the affair is over? There are couple of red flags in your post. My H did not want to discuss the A either after dday#1, even in counseling. I learned later on that it was because he had resumed the affair shortly after dday.


If you feel it in your gut that the A is really over, then if you have not insisted on counseling it may be time to do that.


Have you looked at the "180"? It may be a good idea to implement some of the suggestions found there.


I know this is so rough, stay strong and do not settle. I hope all works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 7:12am
It's hard to discuss your poor decisions - can't defend them, just have to try to explain why and how it happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 9:56am

She's in pain from HER A???? Please? These narcisstic cheaters kill me. What about your needs. I think you need to do the 180 on your W and let her know that she chose to have an A without asking you if it was OK to be a part of a threesome or in an open M. Maybe you need to let her know that the pain that you are enduring is something that you didn't sign up for. She signed both of you up for this and now SHE is hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 10:14am
Thanks for that letter. I am going to send that to her and see what she says. She is by the way extremely narcissistic, and I fear that this will keep us from being able to move forward and resolve this affair. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 11:32am

It seems we're both in the same place.

Margie

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 4:44pm

these are my words and my experience.

my husband too refused to discuss what had happened. he wanted to simply forget about it and move on. he never gave me the 'i am hurting too' line - thank God for him or i would have been up on charges of manslaughter. ha ha

your wifes refusal to discuss it says one thing to me SHE DOES NOT GET IT. it is still about her. she knows what happened he knows what happened the only one left out of the loop is you. and what you do not have the right to know???? you are her husband for goodness sakes. when they turn off like that it leaves us to wonder and worry, right?

one more thing, and this is my personal opinion, those that refuse to acknowledge the pain and refuse to come clean - well it spells out one thing WHEN IS # 2 GOING TO HAPPEN. sorry, but this is my opinion. think about it, what is stopping her? if she is not acknowledging you as the primary person in all of this she is acknowledging someone as primary - and that person is her.

my husband cheated over and over and each time it was the same thing i am sorry it won't happen again - now lets forget about it. CAN YOU EVEN FRIGGIN BELIEVE THE AUDACITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

have the 2 of you gone to counseling? you should, maybe with the help of a professional she might be able to put "me" aside and think about you and we instead.

i have been on this board for a few years now and have read hundreds of posts. the ones who seem to be able to heal and start anew are the ones who spouses 'who get it'. the others, well people like you and me - we either stay in misery (who knows why) or they leave and find happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 6:00pm

I heard all the details (in minutia) of a one night indiscretion by a very apologetic person. Now that all I think about when I see her and am with her. Big ouch. There is something to be said for it's over, I believe you are sorry, let's move on. Either you believe that or it's over.

I hope you are a stronger man than I.