Ups and Downs Kill Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Ups and Downs Kill Me
8
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 9:10pm

This has been a very difficult day. I know now why they call it a roller coaster. One day I'll feel confident and the next day I would rather die than get out of bed.


His side of the story: He's also on a roller coaster. One day he thinks he wants to work on our relationship and the next day he thinks he's done. Sometimes he's physically walking out the door. He'll get as far as the driveway before he breaks down and realizes he can't do it. Other days he is all about working on our M and fixing these problems.


I feel like he's taking me on his roller coaster.


I've asked him what he's thinking and he's told me that he just wakes up and he's feeling down. Sometimes he wakes up and he is excited to see me there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 8:53am
He's probably going thru "affair withdrawal". As my H's. therapist put it , it's like an addiction that keeps pulling them back. I think my H is going thru the same thing. For me, i feel that talking about it with them keeps them transparent emotionally. Anything that keeps the affair from going underground and out in the open is a positive thing. His therapy is a necessity as well. I know his therapist reinforces that he can't have any contact with the OW(he told me this) so this gives me an added sense of security.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 3:11pm

Hi Neverguessed,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 7:27pm
I agree - get off HIS ride.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Tue, 04-14-2009 - 7:55am
Most married men do not leave their wives because of an A so you have a better than average chance your marriage will survive this.
.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 10:23am

Hi there, I am new and this is my first visit to this board.. I found out on Easter Sunday about my husbands affair. I like what I am hearing you say but how did you get the trust back? My husband was living his life here with my daughter and I and doing it right under our nose.


~Mollie

beach siggy www.youravon.com/mollie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 10:36am

Mollie,


You've come to the right place for some support. (Might I suggest that you start a new post. You may get more responses.)


The trust doesn't come back easily. It takes work. I found out about my husbands affair three and a half weeks ago. I still question everything he's doing.


I have more trust for him now than I did the day I found out. But just a little bit. I still think about his A on a VERY frequent basis.


It helped me to have "permission" to ask my H any questions that I may have. Whether it's, "Where have you been? You said you'd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Thu, 04-16-2009 - 11:04am

Thanks so much. We are going to counselling together and separately. I forced the issue and said that is the only way it would ever work. He hasnt committed to a therapist for himself yet but says he will. I am seeing one and she is also seeing us together.. although it is just the beginning.


It just seems to be that the trust is the biggest issue.. which I am sure we all know. I will post a new thread.


beach siggy www.youravon.com/mollie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Fri, 04-17-2009 - 2:10pm

Mollie,

Trust is the most difficult issue. It takes a very long time to for him to EARN it back. He must fully commit to counseling(individual) before you can even think about rebuilding. As I've posted before ,rebound affairs or relapses are VERY common and an affair has an addictive quality about it. If he doesn't go for individual counseling ,it will most certainly happen again(as I unfortunately found out.)

We were rebuilding for 2 yrs. when i found out about the 2nd affair. He almost immediately went into the 2nd to soothe the pain of losing the 1st.This is how his therapist explained it to me. Don't make my painful mistake. Be firm w/your demands-no contact w/OW and therapy for him or out he goes! Otherwise, he will most surely take advantage of your kind nature.