uttery lost

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Registered: 12-31-1969
uttery lost
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:53pm

i'm so utterly lost, i haven't been on a message board in 6 years

 

a little background.. not to sound so awful cause i know this will, but i am a really nice person. like, angel nice, well wishing, accomodating, calm, down to earth, etc etc.

father an alcoholic and never around

mother a bitch

young love took advantage of me and broke my heart

married @ 19 for 6.5yrs, for 5 years severely emotionally and verbally abused to the point of creating an eating disorder and countless times almost committed suicide (never went through with it), relied on god and a sense of "there must be a reason" to get through it

dad died unexpectedly, little brother (closest person to me) moved across the country

divorced him, started dating & moved in w/best guy friend. thought life was finally making sense, happiest i'd ever been, thought like all the years of unexplainable awful was so i could be this happy for the rest of my life

new boyfriend cheated on me, no reason other than he wanted to (he has no emotions about it, doesn't feel bad other than the fact that he hurt me, but doesn't regret doing it.. we are debating that maybe he has a personality disorder since he has no emotional connection). i did nothing wrong in either relationships and per both men they both loved me so much and i am everything they could have ever asked for and amazing and both in the end felt awful for what they did. me and new boyfriend are still very committed to making our relationship work. i know he loved me very much and i love him very much.

i can't get past the anger when i think about it, it wasn't just a "mistake one night" he lied to me for a month about flirting with her right to my face (i didn't know but felt horrible inside like it was my fault because i felt like something was wrong and couldn't trust him, so i never said anything because there was no reaon for me to not trust him).

i've gone back into my eating disorder (very restrictive and when i do eat its 50/50 i don't throw it up), usually nothing to eat all day (usually a peach or 2cups of broth) until dinner, and if i eat too much of that i throw it up. i feel horrible when i don't throw up my food, guilty almost. in the 2wks following him cheating on me (he told me the night of) i lost 8lbs (121lbs, now 113).

 

basically, i don't believe in god or karma anymore. my company downsized and i am unemployed right now also. such a wonderful person wasted the best time of their life (im 27 now) for what? if i went through all that awful stuff for years isn't it time now for life to be happy? just a little? i just want a little happiness. i just want someone to treat me with love and not tear my heart open. i spent 5 years of everyday my heart being torn apart, and just when i think im going to be happy and life turns around, its broken in more ways than i can even describe. this is worse than when my dad died.

i am over the initial depression from the cheating (it happend 1 month ago), but i still have so much anger. i don't have anyone to talk to about it in my life. i feel like there is nothing left to live for. yes, i am getting all down on myself but i feel like i have a right to have a pitty party at this point! wtf life? im beginning to believe in curses, because nothing else makes sense.

 

from everything i have read there is no good way to make the anger go away (and i don't know how to process anger.. im not an angry person so i just get really upset internally.. i end up restricting diet and exercising but its not enough). also, from everything ive read since my "love language" is physical touch, it says its almost impossible for that type of person to get over being cheated on.

i want this relationship to work, i am happy when im not thinking about it. at the same time its so much hurt, but i can't leave. there is nothing left in my life except this relationship. my family is not enough, i don't get enough happiness out of them, my friends, my hobbies or work to keep me happy. i know if i left him i would not make it. i have been a soldier for so long, getting through the hardest of things that i have honestly no more to give. i am empty on strength, my heart is completely worn out. in my marriage i had settled and was happy with understanding life was not going to be perfect, i can live with that. but i can't live with life now.

i was so strong and resilient for so long, that was my thing, im irish - i can get through anything. now i feel like a pane of broken glass and if you just breathe on me i will fall apart. i have no strength to live anymore.

 

im desperate. i need advice from a real person, i need support. i want it all to be better, i waited years for it to be better in my marriage and it finally was. i can't wait months to a year to get over being cheated on.. i don't have the strength. i would consider counseling but being let go from work i have no insurance and no $. i have nothing but my bf and thats so confusing. i've never hated someone in my life, and i hate him. but i love him at the same time and am totally dedicated to spending my life with him.

 

help. blasting music in my earbuds and drinking does nothing to make it better. spending time with friends and family does nothing to make it better. keeping active (im renovating the house) or relaxing does nothing to make it better. i guess im still depressed (but not the "in shock" depressed). sorry this is so long..