Well, yesterday certainly didn't go well

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
Well, yesterday certainly didn't go well
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 6:37am

Hello everyone. For each and every one of you out there, I truly feel your pain and am so sorry this had to happen to you. It's too bad they don't have a teleportation site where we can all sit and talk about this together face to face and even hug each other. I am beginning to think that most men cheat. Is this something that women just have to learn to deal with? Do the people who stay married are because the woman looks the other way and doesn't ever snoop or say anything when her husband does something inappropriate?

Yesterday marked 5 days since finding out he had gotten an account on seekbang.com. There has been no remorse on his part. He even wanted to go kayaking on Saturday, so I went. There were girls all up and down the beach and he didn't turn his head once, but rather 3 or even 4 times to gawk at them. I became furious. I calmly told him, "Look, I know you look, but could you do me the courtesy of not making it so obvious?" He angrily said, "Sure" We got our kayaks in the water, and I pulled ahead of him and because it was windy and my back was to him and the waves were kind of high, I was able to bawl and let it out while paddling a mile to the island! Ha ha. There was no one around, so why not? By the time I got there, I felt strangely numb which was very nice for a change. I was able to enjoy the rest of my day.

Since were were on speaking terms and it felt like nothing had

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 8:33am

(((((hugs))))) worstyear!

You are describing my exh to a tee. Please do not let him make you feel his choices to go online to hook up are your fault. It is so very common that the WS tries to cast blame on the BS. They ALL want to just sweep it under the rug and not talk about it anymore. Painting you as the jealous wife somehow helps him feel less guilty. It is hard to fathom I know. IMHO, I wouldn't be the least surprised if there is more to the story than you found online.

Have you talked to him about MC? Maybe if someone else talks to him it will get through to him. When I found myself in your situation I went to IC for myself first and that really helped me.

He changed his passwords to "teach you a lesson"! yeah right!! People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing! He is trying to control and play you. My suggestion, do the 180, (I'll try to find in in the posts and move it up for you). You need to take back your own power and sanity and the 180 will help. Just let him pout! Be prepared your H may try whatever he can to control you to lessen his guilt.

I still suggest you see a lawyer. It will help you even if you don't divorce. A year and a half is too long to live in pain! Hang in there, we are all pulling for you!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 10:56am

Im so sorry this is so hard for you. Is there a therapist you can talk to about it. Staying vs leaving is never easy.

Is there a way that you two can work it out and talk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 11:18am

His behavior sounds very juvenile and very guilty. I am concerned that he has done more than just register on those horrid sites. His behavior sounds very concerning - he is projecting his disgust w/himself onto you.

Why should you care where he slept? Did sleeping in the car kill him? No. I am sure it was difficult to sleep there and he probably was left alone w/his conscience which is not going to let him focus on you for too long.

It takes a while to digest trauma and you may look back on this and wish you had done differently - many of us do. But take it minute by minute and do not back down on the pressure for him to come clean and be honest. If he is too immature to do so, you may already have your answer.

I agree with the other poster - you need to do the 180 stat.


PS My MIL played the roll of a doormat for most of her marriage and it has nearly eaten her alive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 12:09pm
It's clear from his actions and words that he is trying to bully you into submitting to his wish for this all to go away without any consequences to him, and I would be concerned big time that he came at you in a way that was threatening, whether you think he would really have done anything or not. The first time my H did that to me would be the last. The sad fact is, that most men will lie and fight tooth and nail to deny anything of this nature unless caught red-handed doing it. (And some would still deny it) It's up to you what you want to put up with, but realize that you can't rebuild your marriage into a sound structure with him playing the victim and trying to coerce you into not getting to the bottom of this. You will also never be an equal partner in your own marriage with someone who is obviously controlling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 1:01pm
I agree with the other posts...your H sounds like a manipulator to me. My H did many of the same sorts of things. Making stupid excuses for things..they didnt make sense and guess what? I was right every single time my gut said so. I did the 180 for a while, moved out, ignored him and it worked. My H realized what he would lose. But I also realize that my H has a LOT of growing to still do. And it makes him scared because he isnt good with sharing feelings. Sounds like your H has some growing to do as well. He should do whatever it takes to keep you around, because you are worth the effort! I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is horrible. However, I am finding that some good can come out of the bad in time and with work...thinking of you...