What am I doing here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2014
What am I doing here?
12
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 11:16am

What am I doing here?

7 years ago I married MY BEST FRIEND. What a beautiful wedding it was. We have had a RIDICULOUS amount of trauma in our lives since then. DH buried it all. First affair was when our twins were 14 months old. He moved out, started drinking heavily. In walks in a coworker to "confide in." He moves back in. The coworker never left. He files for divorce this past summer all at the hands of her. He moves out. She's divorced and got in his head that he'll be happier. She dug her nails in and never let go. I was PROACTIVE in trying to rebuild our relationship. We are currently seeing counselors individually. They are married. The four of us were to come together at some point and start to try to rebuild our relationship. Over CHRISTMAS my mother found a picture of him and coworker at a Christmas party on facebook. Great Christmas present to me. He lied to his counselor saying that there was no one else. Any trust that I had left is now gone. Lies, betrayal, backstabbing and deceit has turned me into a monster. This affair hurts more than the first because this coworker of his has done nothing but cause problems for me personally. Verbally yelling at me in a restaurant, starting fights with me at a bar, etc. Classy chic. He never did anything about it. He can't see what he has done to his family. Our twins are now 5. I am having such a hard time because I WOULD NEVER do this to someone that I have a family with. I don't understand how people can be so evil. Coworkers mother knows that he is still married and has kids. She doesn't care. These people have no morals. I hardly eat, toss and turn all night (my xanax ran out) and I keep to myself. I have family and friends in another part of this state that I have been driving to go see. This is awful. He has hurt not only me, but our family, friends AND our children who have trusted him in their own way. I could puke.

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 12:44pm

So sorry Twin.  

All I can really say is to continue to see your counselor on your own.  In my second M, I continued on with counseling on my own even after my DH at the time was not changing.  It helped me find clarity in the situation and be able to make a decision.  By accepting that my DH was not capable of being a responsible or faithful DH, I was able to file for D with a clear conscience.  

And what if I was wrong?  No piece of paper would keep us apart if I was wrong.  

In my case, I was not wrong and I am actually remarried again, but point being is to continue on with counseling.  Just know that you can't make a mistake.  

Hugs...

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 12:53pm

You've kind of written my story, except that I didn't have twins, I had 2 young boys when I found out about his cheating......the hard way, when I was found to have an STD.  There were confrontations, there were promises, but nothing changed.  The OW wasn't a woman, she was an 18 year old, daughter of a mafioso!  Had her father ever found out, he'd have had a hit out on my husband.  She even had the nerve to introduce him to her family!  She never had the nerve to confront me, but she did have others make anonymous calls constantly, sent holiday cards to my home addressed to him only.....a classy chick just like yours.  Found out later that she'd been told that he had small children, and her reply was "tough"!  Eventually it ended with her, but not until he begged my forgiveness, promised never again, and talked me into having another baby.  We women can be stupid, can't we?  I guess he'd been telling her that there was nothing going on in our house, HA!  My pregnancy must have proved THAT wrong.  We moved on, and so did he......other women.  By then, I was totally ignoring him and his behavior, I concentrated on being a good Mom to my 3 boys, and bided my time.  There was also alcoholism, and he was never around for his sons.  Finally at 18.5 years, I filed for divorce, at which point he cried, professed his love for me, and begged me NOT to do it.  Thru all of these years he was extrememly jealous of ME, and I wasn't allowed to get a job because I might talk to a MAN!  I guess he figured I was a scum bag just like him!  NOT.  The divorce dragged on for over a year, purposely, because at that time, you had to be married 20 years to be able to collect on his social security in case he died.  I had a GOOD lawyer.  I also knew my soon to be ex......and I knew he would withhold child support (before the days of computerized deductions) and he was in construction, making a LOT of money that went to bimbos and bars.  I was right.  Never got a penny of child support.  I also demanded the half paid off house (15 years left to pay) be put in my name alone, because I knew I could afford the payments a lot easier than rent on an apartment with 3 kids.   I'd waited that long so that my youngest was ten, and the other two were teens....and I wouldn't have to pay day care.  I got a low paying job because I'd been out of the work force for so many years, but eventually I worked my way up to a good paying job.  He was a loser with big psychological problems that I didn't recognize when we married young.  The lawyer was right about the Social Security!  (it's since been changed to only 10 years of marriage)  He drank himself to death several years ago.  I didn't get the child support, and I managed without it.  We didn't live high off the hog...... but I'm sitting pretty now because of HIS social Security.  My kids really never had a father, but they turned out just fine. 

Now you have to stop wallowing in self pity, and take the bull by the horns.  If you can hang in 3 more years, then get a good lawyer, and divorce him.  Life goes on.......and in time you'll be able to look back and just shake your head in pity.  He is NOT a happy man, he will never be.  Let the other woman have him, she deserves him.  She obviously doesn't know that if he cheats WITH you, he'll cheat ON you, too.  By the way, the first big affair my ex had......the woman who tried to harass me into divorcing him.....she died at 30 from breast cancer!  I think that was a "gotcha" from God!  He married another alcoholic right after our divorce,and she eventually divorced him too! 

A cheating husband isn't the end of your life.  You have to do what you have to do to stay sane.......stay off the drugs, just be strong. Drugs don't solve problems, being strong and clear headed is how you do it.   You have young children to take care of......they're losing their father, and you have to make up for that.  Do NOT put him down to your children.......they will figure it all out when they get older.  Do not put the children in the middle of the situation.  They need a happy home and stability.  They cannot see you crying and being miserable.  It will work out, there are lots of decent men in the world, and eventually you'll find one......but in the meantime you don't need a man......you need to have happiness and calmness in your life.  You have children that you need to raise into happy well adjusted adults, and you CAN if you stop feeling sorry about your life, and accept that this is the way it is, and you have the responsibility to make the best of it for yourself and your children.  Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 1:06pm

I'm sorry to hear.  I know and respect the effort that women make in situations like these where they try to make it work, whether for kids or for the sake of marriage.  But this situation sounds like it has gone on for too long.  I hate the coworker for you. You are the mother of his kids and if in fact he didnt want to be in this marriage, he shouldn't be dragging you through the mud like this.  And think about your kids and what kind of role model he is currently being for them.  This is not good for them to go through.  These are the moments where you have to find inner strength and do what you have to do.  He sounds like he's going through some crisis and is feeding off this attention you women are giving him.  Let her have him so he can drag her through the mud as he has done with you.  If he couldnt change for you he won't change for her and she'll learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2014
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 1:09pm
Thank you for your advice...I appreciate it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2014
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 1:11pm
He filed for divorce in Aug. He keeps saying to me, "well I filed four months ago. Just sign." How can I wait THREE years? Can't they force it through if I don't do anything? I am in NY.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2014
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 1:12pm
I have to sell my rings to pay for my lawyers retainer fee.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 2:19pm

Find out what the laws are where you live.  They are not all the same.  

And think twice before selling anything simply to pay for an attorney.  If you have to sell things, you may qualify for legal assistance.  Worth checking into.  

Here it would stall and not go through.  Although I supposed eventually there is a way, but again, definately find out what your laws are.  Fissatore was in a situation where waiting made sense.  That is not always the case.  You also have to look at what kind of financial harms he may cause during a separation, while still M.  I had a lien put on my house during our separation because we were still legally married.  

Get as much free advice as you can before retaining a lawyer.  We can throw out alot of advice, but it needs to come from where you  live.  

When me and my xH did a custody modification, I was able to pay an attorney for like 15 minutes to review the document.  Just an thought...

But again, like Fissatore said, as painful as this is, eventually we all have to get off of our pity pot and move forward.  Channel that hurt and anger into something positive.  Hugs....

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 01-04-2014 - 9:01am

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. It will be good for you to start thinking of him only as the father of your children and no more. Delete him from your facebook. From now on, all of your discussions will only be about the children and the divorce proceedings. You might be entitled to alimony, and his child support payments should be substantial for 3 children. If he possibly has a retirement fund at work, maybe you can guilt him into paying for your lawyer by having him borrow money from it. Tell him he's responsible for the divorce and you want him to pay for your lawyer. Otherwise, it will take you a while to sign divorce papers when you can't afford a lawyer to advise you. Wouldn't hurt to ask. In my state, all divorcing parents must take a Child/Parent class, which explains that speaking poorly about the other parent in front of the child is harmful to the child. Whether or not your state has this class, I would have a discussion with him about sparing your children of such negativity. You will remain cordial and make the kids a priority when it comes to custody issues. His poor ethics and poor decisions will catch up to him. He'll be no prize to any woman with all of the child support payments and alimony payment, plus having his time with his children interupting his alone time with his mistress. Reality will hit like a wrecking ball. Be a warrior for yourself and your children. The hurting is impossible to avoid right now, but in time you will eventually heal. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sun, 01-05-2014 - 12:37am

I don't understand. You said "They are married" and that "the four of us were supposed to come together to build the relationship". So did your DH remarry and who are the four people involved?  Whatever  your situation, it soundds like you have have been betrayed at least twice now.  I can tell you from experience it will never end.  Work thru your depressioon,  then get angry and stand up for urself!  Find good legal advice and begin the process.  It will make you feel so much more empowered.  He will never stop if you stay with him, and the next woman will feel your pain as well.  Be prepared tho that if you let him go, (or perhaps he is already gone, I really don't understand),  He will most likely come knocking on your door someday, begging you to take him back..  He will come to find out that the whole affair thing has lost its luster.  No more clandestine meetings, no more stolen kisses in the elevator or the car.  Now its back to paying bills, child visitations, distrusting one another, etc. Continue to remmind yourself that he is a cheater.  He will never change and all the women he encounterrs will be treated accordingly.  You are LUCKY to free of this philanderer. Best of luck to you,  Hugs   And PS if you are struggling emotionally with eating and sleeping and thinking cleartly etc, antidepressents CAN HELP.  I gained true clarity and self-direction afterrabout a f month of meds, therapy and group therapy.  Get the help you need.  Try the 180 as best you can.  Things will get betterr and the sun will come out again, and the flowerrs will bloom..I promise.  Just hang in there. Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2014
Sun, 01-05-2014 - 8:29am

Our counselors are married. After we had months of individual counseling we (me, h, his counselor and mine) were supposed to come together to possibly rebuild our relationship.

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