What to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2014
What to do
10
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 2:02pm

For at least 20 years now, my husband has had a porn addiction. I have confronted him about it numerous times and every time he would tell me he's gonna do better. Well...he never failed to disappoint me. We've been married almost 22 years, he was 17 and I was 18. The first time I can recall busting him was when I was pregnant with our 2nd son, he is now 19. We argue over this, his controlling nature and the issue of him going into an almost trance staring at other women right in front of me.

I hope that's somewhat of a baseline for this problem. I am finally able to support myself and have told him I'm through. Now, he's begging me to stay and that he swears he'll stop. Before, he always told me it was all in my head, that I was crazy and that he's a grown man and can do whatever he wants. Problem is, my heart is no longer there. He wants to try counseling but I just don't believe it's going to do any good because I have been hurt and betrayed by him for so long that I have become completely numb to him. I haven't had feelings for him for at least a couple of years now.

Is there a chance this is going to work out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: heartgone
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 4:43pm

If he is truly addicted and hasn't been able to quit, what do you think is the chance that he will quit now?  I'd think pretty slim.  Plus if you have already decided that your feelings are gone, will you be able to put in the effort to save the marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: heartgone
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 9:47pm

I'm so sorry for what you've endured for so many years.  If he's had this 'addiction' for 20 years, I'd say its pretty much ingrained in him and without a lot of work and therapy on his part, he will not stop no matter what he tells you.  He obviously had no concern for your feelings to stare at porn with you right there.  Porn and being a control freak would be a deal breaker for me, too.

As for going to counseling, if you have no longer have any feelings for him (and I can completely understand why you wouldn't!), I don't see the point.  Sometimes, the hurt and betrayal that has gone on for years and years is just too much. It sounds like you are ready to move on to a happier life. See an attorney to find out where you stand and to protect your rights and do it ASAP.  He's bactracking and making promises now but trust me, that won't last.  Especially as you want the divorce and he doesn't,  he could get vindictive so protect all your assets and see that attorney pronto. I wish you the absolute best!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: heartgone
Tue, 03-04-2014 - 12:28pm

I'd tell him, you're right, you are a grown man, and I'm going to let you do what you want. You sound like you are DONE with him, and the only reason you consider trying again is out of some pity for him. After all these years i think the chances he will stop are very slim. Isn't it time to pur yourself first?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2014
In reply to: heartgone
Thu, 03-06-2014 - 12:12pm

My thoughts exactly. I pretty much only agreed to go to counseling so I can say I tried. Even though, I'm the only one who's put all the effort into it in the past. I just don't love him anymore and don't think I will ever trust him. It's not fair for either of us if I stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2014
In reply to: heartgone
Thu, 03-06-2014 - 12:14pm

Thank you. I have had a consultation with an attorney already. You spoke as if you know me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2014
In reply to: heartgone
Thu, 03-06-2014 - 12:16pm
He accused me the other night of only thinking about myself and I told him I've always put him and our sons first and now it's time to think about me. I am done and you are right, it would be out of pity but I'm over it. Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2014
In reply to: heartgone
Thu, 03-06-2014 - 12:17pm
He accused me the other night of only thinking about myself and I told him I've always put him and our sons first and now it's time to think about me. I am done and you are right, it would be out of pity but I'm over it. Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2014
In reply to: heartgone
Thu, 03-06-2014 - 12:17pm
He accused me the other night of only thinking about myself and I told him I've always put him and our sons first and now it's time to think about me. I am done and you are right, it would be out of pity but I'm over it. Thanks for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 10:41am
I think emotionally you have checked out. If you don't love him anymore and can't trust him than you know what you have to do. You're right its not fair to either of you and I think you have grown strong enough to move on. At least you can walk out with your head held high and know that you did all that you could.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2014
In reply to: heartgone
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 8:02am

try imagining your life without him in it. They day to day things that make up your life. How do you feel without him in it? it never hurts to take so e time and figure out what your life would be like alone. After 18 years, it won't be easy. Then, if you aren't unhappy without him in your imaginary life, it may be time to consider leaving. try counseling first, though. You never want to look back and say "I wish I'd taken one last try". you do need some space, though. If you can't take a little holiday, ask him to do so.