What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
What do you think?
14
Fri, 08-15-2014 - 1:30pm

My dance teacher asked to talk to me over the weekend--she told me that her DH was having an affair with a female dance student.  I was very shocked.  The reason she told me is that I am a divorce lawyer and she was asking for some legal advice, but because we are friends she told me a lot of personal details.  Her DH had gone away 2 weekends ago to go camping--he has not been himself lately and told her he was unsure about staying together, unsure about his job, etc.  So last weekend, she got up to find a note that he needed to go away (again) for the weekend--he did not tell her where he was going but I guess she looked for credit cards and found out he had gone to a Caribbean island for 4 days.  she called the woman suspect's office (she also happens to be a divorce lawyer and is single) and found out from the secretary the "OW" was also on vacation--on the same island.  Plus there were various other things that made her suspicious, like the fact that her DH would just go off at night and come home late, not answer his cell phone and not say where he was.  

So he came home and then she called me the next day to say that she confronted him and he said he was not having an affair with anybody and not in particular with this woman and everything was ok and she had to tell me because she was sorry that she "dragged the woman's name through the mud."  There is only one other mutual friend who she told because this friend would go to church every week with the woman & her DH and when the DH stopped going to church finally the woman had to say something.  So in the phone convo, my friend was like "I know my DH>  I believe him when he said he didn't have an affair."  Now I figure it is not my business to insert myself into their marriage.  I know my friend doesn't want to get a divorce so she is probably willing to believe whatever he says as long as he decides to stay married so if they make up and are happy, then I am happy for them.  But I still don't believe it!  I think it's just such a wierd coincidence that the guy and the OW just happened to go to the same island at the same time, plus with all the other odd behavior going on that does look suspicious.  The mutual friend doesn't believe it either--her ex cheated on her and then left her for the OW and the guy's behavior just reminds her a lot of what her ex used to do.  I just think that fine, if you are confused about life and need some time to yourself, then wouldn't you just say to your spouse just that--I need to be away for a few days to thing thinks out--here is where I will be and you can reach me on my phone in an emergency (mind you the wife's parents are elderly and sick, so maybe they could die at any time and she wouldn't even be able to reach him).  If everything is so innocent, why would he not tell her where he is going and why not just go camping or go to somewhere close by that is not expensive?  They have less income coming in because he is sick and has been unable to work so he is spending money they can't afford on a tropical vacation--is that something that you do if you only need to think?  It's summer and we live near the beaches so he can go to the beach, go sailing or those kind of things right near where we live--why take a plane to somewhere by himself?

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-15-2014 - 2:45pm

Holy cow.  The chances this guy is not having an affair with this gal is very, very slim.  Anything is possible I suppose, but clearly the whole thing reeks of deceipt of some kind, affair or not.

Who in the heck flies to a tropical island without their wife?  And only for 4 days?  Maybe it is more common on the east coast, I don't know, but here on the West Coast, we don't "pop" over to Hawaii for a 3 day weekend.  

All you can do is be her friend.  You know better.  She has confronted her DH, she believes him, so tread lightly.  I hope she can still see that something isn't right, even in the off chance it  isn't an affair.  

No one can tell her differently until she sees it for herself.  Good luck, I know this s*cks.  :)

Serenity

Serenity
Community Leader
Registered: 07-26-1999
Fri, 08-15-2014 - 2:54pm
that was my first thought Serenity, who the heck goes to the Carribean on short notice and without their SO?? I would be livid if my DH even attempted something like that!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 08-15-2014 - 6:56pm
He is such a liar and cheater and a huge jerk! If your friend wants to believe his bull then that's her problem.She's the one who will have to live with him..BUT as her friend I get it...you're seething because you want her to see the truth.Well she doesn't want to.Maybe she will when he leaves her..oh wait..he will NOT because he's not working so hey..why not stay in the marriage and cheat while the wife is allowing all of this...You need to do an intervention and sit her down because the odds of her husband being on the SAME tropical island as the OW and saying it was a coincidence..PLEASE!! Someone needs to help this woman see the light.It's not fair for her to be miserable like this..he's a coward.All he cares is about himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-15-2014 - 7:10pm

Well he is back to work now because his health is getting better.  I am not going to tell her what she should or should not do--we are not that close friends, so I don't feel it's up to me to tell her what to do.  I was mainly giving her legal advice, some of which was hard to take.  They have been married 20 yrs & no kids.  I told that even if she proved adultery, that she would still probably have to give him 1/2 of the value of the house--plus then they have to split up the business, etc.  Then you have a 60 yr old woman who is suddenly alone after all this time--it's hard to face.  So I just hope she will keep her eyes open.  Maybe now that he knows that she is suspicous, he will act right.  It's hard to be too sneaky when they work together so it's not like he worked in an office and could take off somewhere during the day.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 08-18-2014 - 12:33pm

I had to think about your "dilemma" for a while, and also see what other's would have to say.  As the old saying goes, denial is more than a river in Egypt.  My ex husband did thngs like that (tho not on such a fancy scale), weekends "with the boys", and his best ever was a "job" (he was in construction) on a nearby island that had ferry traffic that started at 8AM and ended at 8PM. It was a 2 hour drive from where we lived.  He explained that he would have to go (with a co-worker) on Friday evening to catch the last ferry so that they could get an early start in the AM.  They would TRY to finish before the last ferry out on Saturday, but if not, he'd be home early Sunday.  Also, he had to drive (we had only one car at that time) because the other fellow had a wife & 6 kids, and she needed her car.  I only had 3 kids!  I wasn't stupid, and I KNEW that was all a line of crap, but there was no point in making accusastions because he would only DENY.  He was in a kind of long term affair w/a young girl (he was 30, she was 18) that was bound and determined to "get" him.  She sent mail to my house, she had friends make anonymous phone calls....it was a real circus around here.  One of the more interesting parts of the story was that her father was a member of the local Mafia!  I got sick of his denial, and I figured maybe the Father would solve my problem, at the very least, some broken kneecaps.  Anyway, we all think about "what if there's an emergency?" and the standard answer was....."there won't be one".  This time there was one!  Saturday nite at midnite, my mother called me.  My dad had left on Friday with 5 friends, heading to a cabin in the North Woods of Canada to hunt for moose.  My mom got a call at midnight that my father had keeled over and died right after they arrived at the cabin.  My mom was home alone (a 45 minute drive from my house) and wanted me to come to be with her.  Nice, I had no car and my husband was "working" 2-3 hours away.  This was LONG before cell phones by the way.  I had no choice but to tell my mom that I couldn't get there and why (she certainly didn't need the truth at that point in time) and stayed on the phone with her half the night.  All the while seething!  My father had just passed away hundreds of miles from home, and I was unable to be with my mom.  At 3AM, I called her family home......an old lady answered, and said she was baby-sitting for her sister.  I told the old lady that was BS and my husband was with her "putana" grand daughter....and I asked for the sisters phone number.  Smart old lady, she wouldn't give it to me, but SHE called, and the sister called me, all bent out of shape because the grandmother was upset.  Too Bad!  Well, I guess when my dear husband dropped her off, someone there told him I'd called everyone and caused all kinds of problems.  He came home at 1PM, and he got out of the car looking like he wanted to kill me.  He had no idea WHY the calls had been made.  Before he had a chance to say one word, I TOLD him why......and he shut up really fast, handed me the car keys, and said GO!  I said no.......I'm not leaving until this is settled one way or the other.  Do you want her........then while I'm gone pack your clothes, and get the hell out of here.  This "romance" had been going on for 3-4 years at that point.  He said "NO, I love you and the boys.  I don't want to leave. It's over with her"  This was the first time he ever admitted there was a "her"!  I had to leave, because I wanted to KILL him at that point!  He was fine for a few months, then it started again.  It went on for another year or so, then she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and he dumped her......NICE guy! 

Your friend is in denial, big time.  Her husband may not have "been in love" like mine was, but he was cheating on her, no question.  She knew, otherwise she wouldn't have asked you for legal advice.  But, she preferred to pretend to him that all was well, perhaps hoping that he'd straighten up, or it would just "go away".  If you truly care about the man, it hurts, but if they'd admit it and then just stop, you can forgive it.  But, when it continues, you admit to yourself that you're a fool for staying married, but it's hard to think about divorce when you care about the man, maybe even understand the psychology of it (I did, a nasty mother that ruined his self esteem).  I had 3 sons, the oldest 17, but the youngest 10 when I'd finally HAD IT....this time it was "I'm leaving you", and out the door......then I found out that he was in Florida with a woman!  He came back a week later, saying that he would accept an apology from me!  (I'd been working on our income tax, which I'd done for 18 years, but now suddenly I wasn't allowed to do it anymore.)  I'd put ALL his belongings in garbage bags, I told him to go to the garage and get them, and then LEAVE.  We'd been married 18.5 years at that point, and he'd been cheating on me for probably 18 of those years.  In the early years, I too was in denial.  It only took a few years and few infections to know it was true.  BUT, with small kids, and not having worked in several years, I waited.  Once I did it, I never looked back, and your friend will also come to the same decision eventually, or she won't.  Right now she's in denial, and for her, that's a happy place! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Mon, 08-18-2014 - 1:21pm
<>that was my first thought Serenity, who the heck goes to the Carribean on short notice and without their SO??>> A cheater and a liar who has a W that is so scared to end the M and/or confront him because of fear of losing him. Hopefully his W will finally get the nerve to confront the elephant in the room and hold him accountable for his actions.. Musiclover, If I were you I would tell her plain and simple that her H is cheating and even Ray Charles could see that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-18-2014 - 4:07pm

No, I'm not going to be the one to tell her anything! If this was my long time best friend, then it might be different but we don't hang out--it's more of a professional relationship, and I want to be able to continue to go to dances classes--last week both of them were teaching, so I can just act like nothing is happening.  She has no kids and has a job so she doesn't need to stay with him, but obviously she wants to--at least for now.

Avatar for ananemus
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2013
Wed, 08-20-2014 - 1:04pm

I differ with the rationale for your action of doing nothing. Doing nothing about something that is clearly wrong (and he is cheating for sure) is not the solution to this.  The least you can do is to tell her that you are pretty certain that he is cheating and that you've discussed this issue with others online (keeping her privacy intact).  And, if you have the guts, send her a link to this thread - but that could invade upon your privacy. The sooner your dance teacher comes to know about her DH, the better it will be for her. 

Musiclover, she may only be your dance teacher and not your great friend, but, she will always be thankful to you for bringing out her DH's true nature.  Your dance teacher is currently in cognitive dissonance. You are armed with knoweldge of experiences of affairs that very few have, and use it to make a difference. Let the chips fall in place where they have to.

The past is done, the future has yet to come. Live in the present moment honestly with few chances of regret.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Wed, 08-20-2014 - 11:48pm

Dear Music, at 60 years of age, your acquaintance surely knows of her H's infidelity, but is hoping it will pass.  She prob doesn't want to end up alone, and was inquiring about her options, though not ready to pursue them.  Often knowledge makes us feel more powerful.  I would guess she is hoping he will "get it out of his system", and eventuallly gather his wits about him.  

If he is ill, he may feel like this is his "last chance" to feel wanted and experience a thrill.  I don't know.  But I agree with your decision to say nothing to her.  She already knows.  My guess is he will eventually tire of the "thrilling adventure" of this affair and realize his true place is with his dear wife to spend the rest of his days.

Eitherr way, I suggest you say nothing, even though you and every single one of us is seething inside at the audacity of this pig of a husband, She is trying to protect herself through denial and possibly hope.  We have to just support her.  

And as far as her dear husband goes, well Karma is a Btch!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Thu, 08-21-2014 - 1:28pm

She needs to follow her gut and stop being in denial. Her H is cheating on her and YES they both went to the Carribean and had the time of their lives while she was home missing his lying @ss. She doesn't want to see it and guess what until she comes to that realization that her H is cheating she's going to continue pretending that they are living happily ever after and that he's going through a little mid life crisis. Now I'm not going to say he may not be questioning his life because we all do but look at the big picture here. Your intuition never fails and she seems to be putting that in the back burner because she doesn't want to know the truth. Coincidence you think??? I think not! NO such thing as coincidences....not to me anyway.

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