What to do?!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
What to do?!
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:09am

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12 years.  We have one child age 7.  I am a stay at home Mom and he has a good job that requires travel. 

I thought we were doing OK. 

2 1/2 years ago DH was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.  He sought treatment about a year and a half ago which was supposed to be ongoing, but stopped after 6 months.

In November, 2010 I discovered that he was having an affair.  There was an inkling of it in May, 2010 however he was able to convince me that nothing was going on and he 'loved' me.  The woman he chose to have an affair with is indirectly someone he works with (industry rep) and he will have to 'interact' with her forever more.  Yea!!!   She was 'in love' with him. 

He supposedly broke it off with her, however, all he was worried about at the time was his job and his employers finding out because of his position at work, family owned business, etc. It would not have been tolerated.  We went to marriage counseling until he decided that it wasn't working for him - I translate it to getting to the tough parts where we have to really look at ourselves and he just wasn't willing to do this.  He says the affair is over, however, he hasn't seemed to commit back to the marriage or me.  He seems to vacillate between being 'present' and appropriate to being belligerent, irritable and stressed out and secretive.

When he stopped marriage counseling, he stopped the treatment for COPD as well. 

Needless to say he is defensive about any conversation no matter what the topic, he is constantly irritated and essentially it feels like he is going through the motions.  There are moments when he is carefree and fun.  He 'says' he loves me, wants me and wants to be married.  However, nothing he does supports this other than his words. 

I have been trying to maintain 'normal' for our child and keep divorce as not an option, hoping and praying that things would get better.  We went on a vacation as a family early in the summer and everything seemed better in the fish bowl of vacation, however, when we got home, he was back to his old self.  My daughter and I went to my parents 2 weeks ago for a week and since we have been home he is disconnected and just plain mean.  I assume he has reconnected with her or someone else and it is easier to be with her and justify it when he is mean and irritable.  He goes through the motions, but as long as we don't converse about anything he can hold it together.  If we talk about anything his behavior is irritated and acts put out. 

This week he was traveling and came home and kissed me(more out of habit I suspect than anything else).  I said he tasted like cigarettes.  We have always told our child that smoking is not OK and I thought that 'we' believed that as he talked about it with our child as well.  I pulled back and said you taste like cigarettes.  He proceeded to tell me I was crazy. "He hasn't been smoking." I said I think I can tell the difference.  He then proceeded to say, smell my clothes, etc.  And of course he didn't smell like smoke.  He continued to deny that he was smoking.  I have believed he was 'smoking' previously, but let it go.  (He is in a leadership position at work and just last year he implemented a no smoking policy for their health care program unless they pay increased premiums).  I knew I wasn't 'crazy.'  I had heard all the same stuff the first time I thought he was having an affair.  So he went in to sleep.  I went and checked his car.  In his console he had green duct tape over a small triangular tube package.  In the tube was an e-cigarette.  So that explains the no smell, but cigarette taste.  I asked him about it and he believe it or not, denied it?!  I was like really?

He seems to be doing whatever he wants without thought to myself, our marriage or our child. I am at a crossroads.  And as I read this I see that the emotion is out of even my writing.  Just the facts?! 

I am sad.  I am lonely.  I never wanted a 'broken' family for our child.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like my options are limited.  I believe I can't 'fix' this myself.  And I can't fix what he doesn't want fixed. 

At a crossroads and it stinks. 

So while the smoking may be just hypocritical, the deceit and pattern is more than that.  He then went on to say "I" have dinner plans next week and "I" am going to just start doing whatever I want.  "I want a new life..." 

I am sad.  I want a different life too.  I want the one I thought 'we' signed up for...

Time to walk?





Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to:
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 4:15pm
The meanness and irritability toward you is often a sign of an affair, a form of pushing you away since he is getting close with someone else.
In any case, affair or not, you have to set the wheels in motion for you to check out of the marriage since he already has.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 12:04pm

To jas123

I would agree with Music and will add that it appears you are in a marriage alone.. It takes two people to work at marriage and your DH is not on board.

It is very sad and it could be your Husband has changed his mind about marriage.. Who knows?? ten years is a long time and things change and people change....

Right now you have to worry about yourself and your child.. Start putting a plan into place.. Yes; go to a lawyer to see your rights and then start looking into going back to school or part time job or womens groups or anything that will help you and only YOU...Seek out a good counselor for yourself..

If need be take another room in the house. Heck.  Your H doesnt want to be married so then he cant have the pleasure and opportunity of having a wife.. Start living your own life or that is what I would do... If he wants to do his own thing so can you...JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to:
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 11:12am

I am very sorry for you.  I can see that women have a dilemma about whether to trust their DHs after the guy said he ended an affair even when he says he wants to stay married but your DH has bacially told you in words & actions that he doesn't really care about your marriage & he's going to do whatever he feels like w/ no thought to you.  Is that how you want to live?  I hesitate to ever tell someone to get divorced, but it doesn't sound like a great situation.  I'd advise you to consult a lawyer so you at least know what your rights are.