What else do I need to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
What else do I need to do?
9
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 2:35pm

Okay, so I just found out on Friday my husband on less than 2 years has had 2 affairs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 3:40pm

I'd see a counselor, alone.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 4:30pm

See an attorney. Not because you're going to divorce, but the knowledge will help you feel safe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 6:13pm

I know we have only been married for two years, but we've been together 5.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 10:55pm
I think twice in only 2 years of marriage is a real bad sign of what's to come down the road. I'd seriously think about cutting your losses and running if I were you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 3:00pm

whate else should i be doing for me? EVERYTHING

THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU NEED TO DO IS TAKE CARE OF YOU. MAKE YOU A PRIORITY. EACH OF US PROCESS THIS THING CALLED BETRAYAL DIFFERENTLY YET IN ALL OF US THERE REMAINS ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR '''''''PAIN'''''''.

the statement that he made had the hair on my neck standing up - it was only sex - as if that makes a difference. your husband does not get it. he needs to have and to show empaty - he needs to truly understand what you are now faced with, he needs to be able to put himself in your shoes and understand how he would feel if you had done this to him. the question - if it would have been you who cheated - would simply saying it was only sex had made a difference in how he felt? i think not.

at this point in time your husband is NOT getting it - his response would have been much different if he did get it. my husband, the same exact response 31 years ago - no that was not a typo 31 years ago weeks into our marriage he too betrayed me - it was no big deal, she meant nothing, it meant nothing. well, you know what i continued to listen to this kind of bs. he fathered an illegitimate daughter 3 years into our marriage, a daughter i did not know about until she was 17, he had unprotected sex with many women. finally 27 years into our marriage i came to grips with the fact that he was who he was. he had begun to go to massage parlors, have sex with escorts, troll on adultfriendfinder, ashley madison, alt.com, yahoo - hooking up with pitiful women that he used for 1 thing his desires.

he is now suffering with testicular cancer, karma.

WARNING - trust your gut. ask yourself the tough question, does he get it???? if he does not, and only you can answer that question in your heart of hearts then DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME, YOUR ENERGY, YOUR LOVE, OR YOUR LIFE. many many men say all of the right things, go to counseling, seem to change before our very eyes - then sooner vs later when they believe we are back to where we were they are back at it. only this time they are slyer, more covert BUT STILL PLAYING THE GAME - the game of CHEATER.

I HAVE NOT MEANT TO COME ACROSS AS NEGATIVE, IT IS JUST THAT I WOULD RATHER SPEAK THE TRUTH AS I KNOW IT AND HOPE THAT IN YOUR CASE YOUR HUSBAND IS DIFFERENT. vs not speaking from my heart and having yours broken again.

good luck to you

warning
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 10:43pm

Thank you for your heartfelt advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2008
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 4:26pm

I have to say that I also recommend what the others are saying about thinking long and hard about whether or not you really want to stay. 2 years marriage and 2 affairs is really not a good sign. I'm so sorry to say this. It doesn't matter if it was only about sex. How does what he did make it any less bad or any less hurtful to you? He still was a newly married man who still chose to be unfaithful to you. What happens when youve been married 5 years, 7 years 10 years and the sex is not as exciting and passionate as when youre first married? What happens when or if you chose to have children?


To put my story in a nutshell for you: My ex-husband had an EA in our first year of marriage that eventually led to him sleeping with her in the second year of marriage (he says they slept together only once or twice, she says more like 5-6 times, he says he didn't perform oral sex on her (particularly painful for me to imagine) while she says he BEGGED to perform oral sex on her but she wasn't comfortable with it) This was all 10 years ago now but I remember it like it was yesterday.


Anyways, stupid me, at the time decided to STAY and work it out...sigh, well I wasted 7 years of my life with this man and gave up my childbearing years for him. He ended up continuing the EA with this same woman about 3 years later and having another EA (possibly a PA but I can't prove it) with another woman in the 5th year of our marriage. Finally at year 7 I couldn't take it anymore. Absolutely could not bear it and finally left him and it took me only about 3 months (barely 3 months) to get over him, the marriage everything. The hurt was just too much to bear and I was so glad it was over and my only HUGE regret was the time I wasted with him. In fact, on the night he finally moved out, I had a palpable feeling of a weight lifting off my chest!


You have a lot to think about. I'm so sorry for the pain that this poor excuse for a man is causing you, but you have a choice. Do you stay and try to deal with the hurt, the fear that he will do it again, the sense of betrayal, the sadness that he broke the vows shortly after your wedding (FORSAKE ALL OTHERS! remember?) From my experience it does take YEARS, yes YEARS to get over a betrayal and really you never do get over it, there's still the fear that he will do it again, and then IF he does it again, youre back to square one then some.


However if you end your marriage, you will suffer for months, not years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 8:14pm

i am so wishing that all of your dreams come true, for without dreams where would we be?

you are right ONLY he can change he. i am glad to see you are going after the professional career you desire.

please remember to take care of yourself. believe me it is very important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 11:52am

I can relate to your story very much.