What is it with people?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2009
What is it with people?
4
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 12:22am

What is it with people, I was trying to salvage a relationship which turned into my marraige, after I learned she had cheated, this was two years ago and the repercussions from her affair while she was pregnant were too strong to overcome and eventually she blamed me for the whole thing, anyway, not why I was writing, my whole story is posted on a different part of this board. I had been consoled by alot of pepole only to find out that at least seventy five percent of them are going thru now or had gone thru this same thing. Why do people cheat, what gives??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2009
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 12:41am

I wish I knew why people cheat, I'm a regular 30 something guy who is attracted to most every woman he sees, but wouldn't ever consider hurting my DW by making the fantasy real.

Yet she seemed to have no problem getting involved with another woman and thought it wasn't a big deal cause it was a woman and not a man, and she needed to find out if she was really bi or not. Maybe she thought I'd be happy about it? lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 8:10am

Well, it's helpful to do a little research into Adultery.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:14am

Hi kyliesdaddy-

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I definitely can relate to your frustration about how prevalent cheating seems to be in our society. And I wish there were a simple answer to your question, but I'm not sure there really is one.

I agree that reading about and educating yourself about affairs can be helpful. But I think with a lot of the "material" available out there, we also have to take what we find useful and leave the rest. There are a lot of opinions out there even from so-called "experts" that seem to be just that- OPINIONS. I personally just tend to put the most stock into things written by someone that not only has some professional experience dealing with infidelity, but also has some personal experience with it as well (like they have been betrayed at some time themselves).

Just my own personal opinions on why people cheat... the reasons can vary, with everything from low self-esteem, to poor relationship skills, to sex addiction. The one thing I do think the reasons have in common is, it is all about something that was going on within the wayward spouse at the time. Often some need or want they were trying to fulfill, and they chose a very poor and destructive way of trying to do that. I think a lot of them may also be trying to find an "easy way" to deal with something, or trying to find a "quick fix" for something... only to find out in the long run that it only made things much, much worse.

Also just my opinion, but I think the "blaming" they often do of the betrayed spouse is so they can somehow try to justify it to themselves to be able to go through with it. They somehow at the time they have the affair have to give themselves PERMISSION to do it... to somehow try to make it "OK" in their own minds to do it, and I think the blaming is one way they manage to do that. And often they conjure up some sense of "entitlement" as well. Like they feel they have the "right" to do this. I think this attitude sneaks out when they say things like, "I wasn't happy". The other thing in that statement that they are not coming right out to say is "I felt like I had the RIGHT to be happy, and to do whatever I wanted to try to get that".

And that brings me to some things about society's views of adultery in general. I think there are some "myths" that society perpetuates that tend to encourage or condone cheating. Like the whole idea that we are supposed to marry someone that "MAKES us happy". I think it would be much better worded to say that we "should" marry someone that treats us well. Because, true happiness comes from within, and we should not be looking to someone else to make everything OK for us. Each of us is responsible for the course of our own lives, and it is not one person's job or responsibility to make everything OK for another person. And there are some things that no one COULD fix for another person even if they wanted to. I think those that mistakenly believe that someone else is supposed to "make" them happy may tend to look to person after person as they find that no one is meeting those expectations. And they will only find true happiness when they do things for themselves where they can be "happy" and "secure" in their own skin, as an individual, where they don't need someone else to "complete" them.

The other societal myth that really bugs me is how when someone cheats, people often look to the betrayed spouse as if to blame them, or for the reason "why". In my opinion that is completely backwards, and it is related to that whole mistaken idea that your partner is supposed to "MAKE" you happy. I think it's absolutely ludicrous to look at the betrayed spouse. The wayward spouse is the one that chose the action of cheating, so I think we should look at THEM. And ask questions like, "Why, if things were SO BAD, didn't they just LEAVE?" Or, "Why didn't they instead turn to their PARTNER to try to resolve any difficulties?"

And also just my humble opinion, but I think quite a few people nowadays may have sort of a skewed sense of personal responsibility, and this could contribute to the prevalence of cheating. I believe that we are each responsible for ourselves and our own actions- no one and nothing else MAKES us do anything. We each are responsible for keeping OURSELVES faithful, and ONLY ourselves. We can't make someone else be faithful, and no one else can make us be faithful either. It's a choice we make, or don't make. And I think if we are to remain faithful, or if our wayward spouses are to now be faithful for the rest of their lives, it's a choice we each have to make every day, and we have to choose to stick to that choice. And I think each of us has to find something within ourselves that motivates us to make the choice to be faithful.

So, those are just some of my random thoughts on the subject.

Val

Val                                   &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 1:48pm
Val, that was a fabulous post.
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