What now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
What now?
11
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 3:59am
I've found out yesterday my husband of 17 years has had a "friend" I busted him quickly deleting a text and after me searching phone records and paying for a name to match the number he admitted it. At least the past 3 months..
We have a 12 year old son, a business together and of course everything else.
I'm truly lost and hurt and really don't know what to do

Where does one go after this? A one night stand maybe but an emotional affair?
We may have not been happy 100% but such betrayal
Is devastating.
I'm on the fence of getting a lawyer..
Can't sleep and really don't know what to do..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 4:51pm

I am one who thinks that seeing a lawyer and having an exit plan is always a good idea. It gives you a lot of confidence knowing that you have a choice. I also don't think you should make a decision to divorce right away unless your H has made it clear that he wants a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 10:09pm
I agree 100% with the advice Pamm offered you. Another bit of advice from myself ( betrayed twice because H resumed with Ow after I gave back trust too soon) is. to NOT ask about the "details" of what went on with OW...not this early in this trauma. Doing so will only give you "mind movies" that stay with you and repeat over and over. Also know that you will most likely get "trickle truth" from your H causing ongoing damage to your hurt heart. You may also want to look into the five stages of grief to better understand this emotional ride you will be on.
About the sleep issue...I had to visit my doctor when the sleepless nights began taking their toll. He gave me a mild tranquilizer that helped at least for a few hours.
Know that you will survive this and I am so sorry you have to be here. Keep posting and know that someone is always here to listen and offer support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 11:43am

I just wanted to send you some big (HUGS) and support!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 11-10-2010 - 2:54pm

getting a lawyer will give you confidence and the power of knowledge

you do whatever you need to do - we are all different

if you have the strength and desire to leave do it

if not take your time and figure out what has been going on, where his head is at, if he is open to grow as a person

find out if he has remorse, regret, compassion etc.

there is no good excuse for his actions, don't take any of the blame on yourself as it is not having to do with you

this is all about his ego, coping skills, maturity etc.

peace & strength to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 8:47am
I'm a mess. I go from sobbing tears (I must note -I do not cry.) to anger. I can't talk to friends / work employees because I don't want to give them insecurities. (instabilities in thier jobs)
So here I am. Putting up this false front.
I can't see him, but I feel obsessed with finding the truth. NOT by asking ANYONE. but searching email and phone records. I feel as if I'm going crazy!!
I found a similar number and called him to flip out.
Turns out to be our guy friend. (I guess I shouldve checked first).
I just feel so stupid,,, I just feel the need to do some sort of homework.
Well now I'm done with that.
Thank you all for your help. I really really need it.
I thought i was such a strong person.. Turns out I was wrong. Who am I ? And what happened to the strong woman I once knew? (she's 20 years older)
I'm a mess and I'm going to call a counselor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 8:49am
I dont really know how to do this but I replied somewhere....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 11:25am

You are a lot stronger than you think. People whose children and parents have died said that the pain from betrayal hurt so much more. I know it doesn't seem like you are going to get through this, but you will. Time will make things less immediate and more managable.

The need to do your homework, as you put it, comes from self-preservation. He lied and cheated and you need to know how he did it which may help you understand the why of it and will help you protect yourself in the future. I also think is it good in another way. DH sent flowers to xOW, spent $75 that we did not have on xOW. I found out because I pulled out all of the credit card bills and found a charge to a local floral show owned by our friends. I called her to find out who these flowers were sent to. Since DH used his card, she couldn't tell me. She called DH and told him that I had asked, and explained why she couldn't tell him. He had to come clean after that and was totally embarrassed because our friend clearly guessed what was going on. He was upset that I had called her. I told him that I wasn't getting answers from him, so I would get them however I could. He was a little more forthecoming with answeres if I could get those answers from sources other than him. His career would have been ruined if his EA came to light.

I was so angry with him for keepin this incredibly important information from me. If took away my free will, my ability to make informed decisions about my own life. Then after Dday, expected me to trust his judgment about what was important for me to know. Your need to know comes from a lot of different places, so trust your gut here and get the information you need however you can get it. Be careful not to ask details that will haunt you, but things like if he told her he loved her, if he ever got physical with her, how often they talked and if he bought her gifts will give you clues as to how deep he was. Other things like cell phone bills, credit card bills, computer activity trackers, and if he has another phone will help you keep track of him now so you know that he is keeping his word of no contact. Some people have even used GPS trackers or voice activated recorders. He is a liar. That may change, but you cannot believe a word he says. You should only believe his actions or his words only when you have evidence to back it up.

Another reason to know as much as you can is that part of an A's appeal is that it is secretive and private. If/when his dabauchery gets exposed to the light of

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 6:40pm
I hit a all time low today.. Crying for hours laying on the cold bathroom floor. When he picked up our son for a visit. I didn't see him.. I hid and cried.
Wow. This is what I've come to. Calling into work because my eyes are swollen shut.
I hate this.
God I really really thought he loved me.
Tears won't stop..
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2010
Thu, 11-11-2010 - 7:43pm

Done that, been there..just a little over a year ago....it doesn't seem like it now, but the strong woman will be back...stronger, but somewhat jaded and less naive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 12:49pm

Feedback here really should be your second form of assistance - see that therapist ASAP.

 

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