what should I do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
what should I do...
4
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 12:34pm
My husband who I have been married to for 26 yrs...had an emotional affair for 4 yrs with some woman in his office..and just found out he picked up 2 hookers 1 about 3 yrs ago and this past January..for oral sex...he tells me it wasn't cheating because he used a condom, and thinks..I should forgive him...right now we are just on friendly speaking terms...no SEX..and probably never again...I don't feel comfortable in his company...he keeps telling me he is going to change..but the damage is done..I can't forgive him for what he has done to me...he always swore he would never cheat on me...and talked about men who cheated on there wives...what should I do...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 3:09pm

I am sorry your ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 2:09pm

My ex cheated with hookers, too, and he did not consider it cheating. Sometime after DDay, after a few years of strife, I ended up having an A myself. It didn't start out as revenge. It was because after years of rejection by him, I was emotionally numb and weak. But I continued it out of revenge, for sure. My attitude was if his betrayal was much ado about nothing, then mine should be as well. Being the hypocrite he was, he just didn't see it that way. Mine was "emotional", while his was just payment for sex. Whatever. I spent several years paying for mine, yet to this day, 6 years after our divorce, he still does not acknowledge his wrongs. Though I do wish it had never happened, I refused to let him use my mistakes as the reason for our divorce. It was just part of it.

I have no idea why these men feel they need to pay women to have sex with them when they have beautiful, sexy, more than willing partners at home. I believe it's something deeper than I could uncover, even if he had been willing to discuss it, which he wasn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 3:18am
He says it wasn't cheating because he used a condoms. OMG IS HE SERIOUS??? What should you do?
Well maybe you should ask him to borrow you a few of those condoms out of his box so you can go have sex with other men. Of course you can tell him it won't be cheating because "I will use condoms with these men" I'm sorry I've heard a lot of excuses before on these boards BUT THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE. I think I'm speechless now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 3:49pm

I am sorry that this happened to you but you have come to the right place. There will be lots of help and advice here from those who have been exactly where you are right now. I am so sorry that your husband hurt you. Your husband has deep issues that he needs to work on before I would even consider staying. He needs counseling in the worst way. This would not be negotiable if you do consider trying with him again, but it would be very understandable if you think this is a done deal. You are strong and you will get through this either way. Nothing that happened was your fault. He made the choice to have the affairs. There were other things that he could have done instead but he did not. He could have talked to you if he was having issues. He could have sought out professional help. He could have talked to someone of faith. He had other options.


thinks..I should forgive him...


He does not have the right to tell you to think one way or the other. He chose to break your marital vows. He chose to act like a single man whenever you weren't around. He chose these things. He did not have your best interest at heart. He was not about protecting you and your marriage. So he does not have the right to tell you what to think at this point and time. It is entirely your decision whether or not you want to give it another go and he has done nothing to make you feel safe and secure in this marriage at this point. You do only what is best for you now because he only thinks of himself and what he wants.