What would you do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2009
What would you do??
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 6:20pm

Hi, I am so glad i found this site....This is the first time I am posting here or anywhere on the web for that matter, I think I am in a mess and confused and angry with myself. What would you do in this situation? I have posted this on the Catch him cheating board too.....but am really looking for any advice you may have.
Ok, please bear with me while I give you the background to my problem, it is kind of long.
I have been married to my DH for the last 14 years, and while our marriage has its share of ups and downs, we have still pulled together all this while. We do not have any kids but I do want to adopt soon. Things have been a bit rocky from the beginning, and I have put in a lot to keep my marriage going even when others in my family and his mother told me to break it off. I do love & care for him a lot, and while our bedroom life has not been the very best, I thought he loved me too.
There have been a couple of instances in the past 3 years, where I caught him having what I would say is a cyber affair, he was texting and emailing and calling this other lady and was planning to go and see her when I found out about it. I confronted him and he was not being forthright with the answers so I called up this lady and spoke with her. I found out that he had joined a couple of social/online sites looking for a partner and had listed himself as separated/divorced! The other woman said she would not keep in touch but a year after that incident I get a call from her and she said I was a weak woman to stay with him and if she was in my place would keep tabs on all his emails etc.
But he would not give me all the passwords to his various email accounts. I recently found out that he is seeing someone locally and that he has confessed to this person that he is married but she said it does not make a difference to her and she encouraged him to think about starting an affair with her. I have just found out that they are planning to meet and take their relationship to the next level now.
I am thinking of going there and busting them….but I am not sure if I can do the as I am not sure where they are meeting. I was thinking of following my DH when he goes to see her, but am sure he will realize I am following if he sees my car. I do not know many people here as we are new to the area and do not have any family here.
I know I should leave him, but I am not a very strong, confident person…I am going out of my mind here…. When ever I confront him about his various “Good Friends” he gets defensive. He is communicating with more than one lady that I am sure of, though she is the only one with whom he is planning on taking the relationship to the next level as far as I know.

What would you do………..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 02-14-2009 - 1:35am

I am really sorry for your pain and confusion.

In my situation, I found some hard and fast evidence and confronted my H head-on. When he tried to tell me that the answers weren't important, I told him that I had been faithful for 21 years and I deserved answers to my questions. It was very hard, but you only live once, you know, this is it!; I was tired of dealing with the lies, and I wasn't going to live like that any more. I was fortunate that my H realized just how serious I was and knew it was time to own up to everything or he would lose me.

Here are the red flags that I see in your situation:

- Your family and his mother thought you should break it off. It sound there have been problems for awhile. Sometimes outsiders see things clearer than we do as we are entangled in the situation. YOU have to make the decision, but seriously consider their advice and WHY they are (were) telling you this.
- You say that YOU have done a lot to keep the marriage going. Has your H also done a lot or does he tend to not contribute?
- Most importantly, he will not give you email passwords or confess what is going. He has posted on sites as separated/divorced and that is how he is acting. He wants to keep you in the dark so he can continue on in secret; that's why he gets defensive, so you'll leave him alone to continue. He has no incentive - and it appears - no intention to stop.

By the way, I hate to say this, but in my personal experience and from what I have read here, I would venture to guess that your H has already cheated on you with someone in person. I may be wrong, but I thought it was all cyber affairs and "almost met up with someone"s with my H and then found out that I was totally fooling myself. I hope I am wrong, but at least if you've considered the possibility, you won't be as blind-sided as I was.

You say that you are not a very strong, confident person. If that is true, then staying with this man will do nothing but further undermine your strength and confidence; think about what this does to your self-esteem!

If you do decide to confront him, leave him, whatever, I think you will find the strength you need in yourself, your friends, your family, fellow posters here, and wherever you can borrow strength from.

Lastly, I want to say that I know you are excited about adopting to start a family, but please, please work this out one way or the other first! You do not want to further complicate your situation by involving a child, and it certainly wouldn't be fair to the child.

I wish you the best, and I hope that you will keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-14-2009 - 7:09am
What would I do? I'd put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 2:35am

When I found out about my H messing around, I told him that if he wanted THAT - bye bye. He chose to NOT leave and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2008
Sun, 02-15-2009 - 12:26pm

My personal opinion is that marriage isn't easy for anyone, but its not supposed to be THAT hard, THAT often, either. If your marriage has been mostly rocky from the beginning and you have no kids with him, I'd consider leaving. The marriages I know that have been mostly rocky either end up caving in with the weight of constantly having to try so hard to make it work, or the two just settle and remain miserable. My H and I had 15 years of a rock solid marriage before serious issues came up for us, so we at least had that stable history to build from. Rebuilding on a rocky surface just leaves you with a perpetual house of cards.

Also, I would not even consider bringing a child into such a situation. Maybe you need to cut your losses and find someone that you would be able to have a stable family with.