What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
What would you do?
9
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 9:44pm
This past Friday, I found some emails in my partners email inbox on his ipad (that we share) from a woman’s name that I didn’t recognise. I went looking for these emails, this wasn’t an accident that I found them. Something had been wrong between my partner and I for a few days... since New Years Eve. I’ve been cheated on a few times in previous relationships, so I know the signs to look out for. So these emails were initiated by him with a simple ‘hello how are you?’ and he was greeted with a reply with flirting, lots of kisses and smiley faces and asking how he has been and his new year celebrations. Conversation leads to being inappropriate by my partner asking if she is at the beach in her bikini and eventually he asks for a photo after much encouragement from her. She says she’ll let him know when she is back in town and will try to send a photo later. She never does. My timing was perfect because I could watch it real time on the ipad while he replied on his iphone (same account linked to both). As he would reply I could see that he was deleting the emails from his inbox. Deleting the evidence. I call him immediately and tell him what I’ve seen happen in front of me. I’m greeted with no hostility and complete admittance of what he has done and profuse apologies. We had a few difficult public arguments over the past few days and he claims that he wasn’t thinking and wanted some positive attention from an old work colleague that he used to flirt with as our relationship was currently tense. He is also currently suffering from depression due to his career and claims that his head isn’t on straight. He has been suffering for about 3 months. We have had previous conversations about betrayal and how it is a deal breaker for me. He claims (promises/swears/whatever) that he did not and has not ever slept with her or anyone else. Even when I said I could contact her to ask her. I asked him to get her to email me and tell me herself and he said he’d rather I email her so I know he hasn’t got to her first and told her what to say. I decided not to, because I’m better than that. We have been together for a year and we live together. He has never stopped talking about future plans. Is home every night on time, always answers his phone, always invites me out with his friends. We’re basically together 24/7 apart from at work. He has obviously promised not to do it again and said he will ignore all contact from her. I’ve told him that he should actually reply and say that he is in a relationship and to not contact him anymore. I have received the usual... tears, begging not to leave, that he wants to be with me only and it was an honest moment of bad judgement and that he’ll do ANYTHING... blah blah. I’ve just been there... done that. What would you do if you were me?
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 5:51pm

I agree with communication!

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 5:50pm

AMEN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 6:04pm
Its sad that we all have to go through this, but at the same time its comforting to know that what we're all feeling is the same... and normal. All of our circumstances are different and some of us will stay, and some of us will leave but its nice to know that you aren't the only one in the world that this is happening to. I think the most important thing to understand is that its nothing that WE have done and their actions are to do with THEM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 5:32pm

The thought they'll do it again I personally think is universal.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2011
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 2:13pm

Something very similar has happened to me. Except we have been married for 20 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 8:08am

Hi Abby,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 5:11pm
Yes, I agree with what you have both said and thank you for your reply. Sadly, because I have been through this before, I don't really hold onto much hope of him never doing this again. Made that mistake before - desperately believing that they will change. It's funny that I don't really feel affected by this... i've been through the worst before and i instinctively know that i can go through it again and be ok. What the strangest thing is some peoples reactions in my social circle... some people don't see the big deal. Maybe because they do it themselves. Anyway, on the advice of my Dad... "communicate, communicate, communicate" and the advice of my mum "give it a couple of months and watch him very closely, and if he does it again, move on FAST!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 7:15am

(((abbey)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 12:25am
We say here often they don't bother trying to hide things if there's nothing TO hide. Since he got caught deleting right before your eyes, you observed him hiding things, so there's a reason. It could, of course, be "early days" between the two of them, on the surface it sounds like she's the instigator, but that really doesn't matter, since he's a willing participant, at the least and asking for that photo certainly makes it look like the two have something in mind. If e-mailing her helps you, by all means do it, just as long as you keep in mind she's toying with your partner behind your back, so she's not exactly a reliable source of the truth. Since he saw fit to delete, he's well aware he's going too far, so I would have no problem letting him know you would like full access to his e-mail as a good will attempt by him to help you believe this is not as bad as it might seem to be. If he refuses or pulls the right to privacy nonsense, I'd think the worst - mine gave me all his e-mail info and passwords the second I insisted on having them, and he's aware that to this day I still occasionally take a peek, If he'll "do anything", let him. Even if this ends up being "small", even small can feel like an elephant to a partner.