What's you opinion about these texts?

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Registered: 03-11-2008
What's you opinion about these texts?
8
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 8:36am

I'm posting for a friend (male) that has asked me for my opinion and I thought I'd throw it out to those in-the-know:

He has been in a committed relationship for 6 years. Recently his SO has been texting and fb'ing considerably when they are together but she rarely shares what or with whom she is texting. Even when out on dates she is in contact with men (married & single) she calls friends and they text her at late hours and ask her, for example, if she is out. She claims these men are just friends but he has been contacted by others that have seen her out at bars and restaurants with other men which she had not revealed to him.

Right to the point. Here is a series of texts over two days between her (Jess) and her recently divorced male neighbor (Clay). Chime in as to what you think of this. It's a bit long but hopefully sets the context. The names have been changed and "( )" have been added to provide detail. She is "Jess" and the neighbor is "Clay" the SO is "Dave."

In your opinion, is Jess having an inappropriate relationship with Clay?

Thursday:

Jess: I'm going to keep putting my mail in your mailbox if it means you are going to hand deliver it? Ha ha ;/) thanks for all you do, best neighbor ever!

Clay: I'd be happy to hand deliver your mail. If I see anything interesting, I'll just keep it as a form of payment. :)

Jess: Ha ha? Oh, better get my tax return direct deposited! ; P

Clay: Nah. I'll split that with you.

Jess: Or we could split a bottle of wine...Probably worth more!! Ha ha ha, ugh!

Clay: Sounds great, but sorry to hear about your refund! Wine is on me!

Jess: 8 )

(Jess went "out with the girls" Thursday night as she did not have her kids. She did not contact Dave who has his kids but has excellent sitters so they can go out. And fyi she rarely(!!) stays out past 10pm which is also her self-imposed bedtime)

Clay (10:40pm): Damn it! Lost in a shoot out?! Are you home yet? Ready for that bottle of wine?

Jess (10:40pm): Ha OMG just got home and was going to text you that we officially can not let our dogs out at the same time!!! Mine is too ADHD!

Clay: Wine??!

Jess: I know it's late, are u up for a glass vs a bottle

Clay: Sure! Just watching tennis over here. I'll bring the wine if you provide the glass.

Jess (10:45pm): Ok my house is a mess come on over!!!

Clay: Can't be more of a mess than mine.

Clay: (2am after wine) Thanks for a fun night. I hope I didn't ask too many questions. Do it again soon?

Jess: Yeah for sure!!! No never too many questions!!!! Goodnight!

Friday:

Clay (Friday morning): Ouch my head ; }

Jess: Holy crap. Me too.

Clay: Not sure why I thought I could drink like I'm 22 again. On a random Thursday, no less!

Jess: ikr, but it was fun!

Clay: It was. Sorry for hiting on you. I think the wine put me over the edge after too many beers with dinner at the club.

Jess: You were hitting on me? Ha ha ha jk... You are too sweet, and no worries- we totally have to talk more about P&G though!

Clay: Agreed! That is hilarious that both worked there at almost the same time.

Clay (Friday afternoon): I'm feeling worse as the day goes on. I think I need a nap. :)

Jess: Oh that is terrible! Take a nap for sure! I didn't get out of bed forever

(Jess and Dave have already made plans to be together for the entire weekend as his kids are going with their mom)

Jess (Friday 5pm): We need to finish this bottle ;-)

Clay: I'd be happy to try. I'm officially old because I have felt hungover all day! Are you watching the game tonight?

Jess: omg, stuck on the phone with a work partner I totally forgot the game was on tonight,.... I'm not sure if I will watch it - guess Dave is coming over for a bit. are you busy now?

(Jess has just contacted Dave 4 times to find out EXACTLY when he will be coming over, even confirming that he won't be there before 7)

Clay: Believe it or not, I'm jumping into the shower for the first time today. Then I've got nothing going on.

Jess: sounds like you've got nothing on now! He he he, Ok, well- I think he is coming over about 7ish- so if you shower quick we could finish it

Clay (6pm): Ok. Be over shortly. Don't want Dave to think you're cheating on him with me. :)

Jess: ha ha ha, oh, lord... so true!

++++++++

Dave came over at 7pm Friday night and spent the weekend. Jess did not mention the Thrusday till 2am rendezvous or the Friday quick glass of wine just before he got there. In fact, when telling her story about going out with the girls she said they came back to her house for a bit but left by 11pm (Dave even texted her that Thurs night around 11pm and she said she was watching Grey's anatomy). That weekend Dave saw recent texts to Clay who she has not been friendly to (for 3 years) or even really talked to until now.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 9:17am

tippy707 wrote:
<p>I'm posting for a friend (male) that has asked me for my opinion and I thought I'd throw it out to those in-the-know:</p><p>He has been in a committed relationship for 6 years. Recently his SO has been texting and fb'ing considerably when they are together but she rarely shares what or with whom she is texting. Even when out on dates she is in contact with men (married &amp; single) she calls friends and they text her at late hours and ask her, for example, if she is out. She claims these men are just friends but he has been contacted by others that have seen her out at bars and restaurants with other men which she had not revealed to him.</p><p>Right to the point. Here is a series of texts over two days between her (Jess) and her recently divorced male neighbor (Clay). Chime in as to what you think of this. It's a bit long but hopefully sets the context. The names have been changed and "( )" have been added to provide detail. She is "Jess" and the neighbor is "Clay" the SO is "Dave."</p><p>In your opinion, is Jess having an inappropriate relationship with Clay?</p><p>Thursday:</p><p>Jess: I'm going to keep putting my mail in your mailbox if it means you are going to hand deliver it? Ha ha ;/) thanks for all you do, best neighbor ever!</p><p>Clay: I'd be happy to hand deliver your mail. If I see anything interesting, I'll just keep it as a form of payment. :)</p><p>Jess: Ha ha? Oh, better get my tax return direct deposited! ; P</p><p>Clay: Nah. I'll split that with you.</p><p>Jess: Or we could split a bottle of wine...Probably worth more!! Ha ha ha, ugh!</p><p>Clay: Sounds great, but sorry to hear about your refund! Wine is on me!</p><p>Jess: 8 )</p><p>(Jess went "out with the girls" Thursday night as she did not have her kids. She did not contact Dave who has his kids but has excellent sitters so they can go out. And fyi she rarely(!!) stays out past 10pm which is also her self-imposed bedtime)</p><p>Clay (10:40pm): Damn it! Lost in a shoot out?! Are you home yet? Ready for that bottle of wine?</p><p>Jess (10:40pm): Ha OMG just got home and was going to text you that we officially can not let our dogs out at the same time!!! Mine is too ADHD!</p><p>Clay: Wine??!</p><p>Jess: I know it's late, are u up for a glass vs a bottle</p><p>Clay: Sure! Just watching tennis over here. I'll bring the wine if you provide the glass.</p><p>Jess (10:45pm): Ok my house is a mess come on over!!!</p><p>Clay: Can't be more of a mess than mine.</p><p>Clay: (2am after wine) Thanks for a fun night. I hope I didn't ask too many questions. Do it again soon?</p><p>Jess: Yeah for sure!!! No never too many questions!!!! Goodnight!</p><p>Friday:</p><p>Clay (Friday morning): Ouch my head ; }</p><p>Jess: Holy crap. Me too.</p><p>Clay: Not sure why I thought I could drink like I'm 22 again. On a random Thursday, no less!</p><p>Jess: ikr, but it was fun!</p><p>Clay: It was. Sorry for hiting on you. I think the wine put me over the edge after too many beers with dinner at the club.</p><p>Jess: You were hitting on me? Ha ha ha jk... You are too sweet, and no worries- we totally have to talk more about P&amp;G though!</p><p>Clay: Agreed! That is hilarious that both worked there at almost the same time.</p><p>Clay (Friday afternoon): I'm feeling worse as the day goes on. I think I need a nap. :)</p><p>Jess: Oh that is terrible! Take a nap for sure! I didn't get out of bed forever</p><p>(Jess and Dave have already made plans to be together for the entire weekend as his kids are going with their mom)</p><p>Jess (Friday 5pm): We need to finish this bottle ;-)</p><p>Clay: I'd be happy to try. I'm officially old because I have felt hungover all day! Are you watching the game tonight?</p><p>Jess: omg, stuck on the phone with a work partner I totally forgot the game was on tonight,.... I'm not sure if I will watch it - guess Dave is coming over for a bit. are you busy now?</p><p>(Jess has just contacted Dave 4 times to find out EXACTLY when he will be coming over, even confirming that he won't be there before 7)</p><p>Clay: Believe it or not, I'm jumping into the shower for the first time today. Then I've got nothing going on.</p><p>Jess: sounds like you've got nothing on now! He he he, Ok, well- I think he is coming over about 7ish- so if you shower quick we could finish it</p><p>Clay (6pm): Ok. Be over shortly. Don't want Dave to think you're cheating on him with me. :)</p><p>Jess: ha ha ha, oh, lord... so true!</p><p>++++++++</p><p>Dave came over at 7pm Friday night and spent the weekend. Jess did not mention the Thrusday till 2am rendezvous or the Friday quick glass of wine just before he got there. In fact, when telling her story about going out with the girls she said they came back to her house for a bit but left by 11pm (Dave even texted her that Thurs night around 11pm and she said she was watching Grey's anatomy). That weekend Dave saw recent texts to Clay who she has not been friendly to (for 3 years) or even really talked to until now.</p>

 

I think Dave would be best served to handle his own business and not invite a bunch of people to weigh in on his issues with his girlfriend.

I'm sure there is a lot of spin going on by your telling of his business to all of us--the stuff in the parenthesis is you spinning and not a part of their texts. 

If Dave is so upset that he's asking you to ask strangers about his business, then Dave needs to get out of relationships... if he is too afraid to ask Jess what is going on, then he's not mature enough to be involved with anyone.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 9:14am

tippy707 wrote:
<p>He asked her about it. She said, a) it's no big deal, there is nothing inappropriate about it, and b) she will continue to have Clay over whenever she wants.</p>

then there it is. There needs to be no more weighing in on this.  Either Dave gets with this or he bounces.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 1:56am

So how did you get all these texts from HER phone? It sounds like what is happening now is a lot of flirting going on between her and this other guy, and if the late nite drinking get togethers continue they could easily end up in bed together. And with her defiant " I'll have the neighbor guy over whenever I want " attitude, she doesn't seem to care less that this makes Dave uncomfortable. I think Dave has every reason to be leery of and not trust this situation. Personally, I'd dump my Bf if he was having late nite drinking sessions with another woman, but it's really up to Dave whether he wants to break up with her over this or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 12:27am

See comment above that texts are word-for-word. It appears this may be the "tip of the iceburg." Is it worth ending a 6 year relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 12:23am

The texts are direct quotes. There has been no edit other than the names.

He asked her about it. She said, a) it's no big deal, there is nothing inappropriate about it, and b) she will continue to have Clay over whenever she wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 5:28pm

To me those texts suggest that she is sitting and drinking wine till late at nite with the neighbor guy, and this guy admits himself to hitting on her. The events all sounds pretty innaproppriate to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 4:34pm

That's what I was going to say.  In a college communication class I took, an experiment showed just how WRONG information can end up after passing thru the brains of others.  What started out as one conversation ended up as a completely different - and incorrect - conversation after just being repeated by a few people.  Even if you quoted texts you saw word for word, even if there is something going on, he needs to handle this himself since this is his relationship at stake here.  He can't avoid talking to her about this. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 10:15am

If Dave wants answers about these texts, he really needs to ask Jess.  Since we don't know either of these people, and we're getting the information after it has passed through several hands, anything we say will be at least partially wrong.