when is enough... enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
when is enough... enough
5
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 12:06am

ok ... here we go again.. in a nut shell.. have basically known for years he's been cheating....he does confess over year ago that he did have affair..." but we've been having problems!"..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 2:31am
You can stay for the sake of the kids if you want but after several affairs I guess you may feel the need to watch him like a hawk. You never know for sure when their being sincere or just fear losing you. I guess you need to decide whether you can really ever trust him again. Trust is very hard to get back after one affair much less several.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 3:25pm

Has he faced any sort of serious consequences for any of this other than having to deal the the tedium of you being upset over it?

I'm sorry, but his actions are showing you that he is just going to do it again and again and again. Believe his actions, not his words. Step back and ask yourself if this is the sort of man you want to be with? Is this the sort of man you would want your DDs to be with or for your DSs to become? If this isn't good enough for them, why is it good enough for you? What kind of life do you want?

If you are not ready to leave, get yourself ready. Give yourself as many choices as you can so that you are not stuck in this M and feel you have to stay. Make an exit plan, and talk to a lawyer. Doing this will make you feel powerful and show you that you can make it without him. Then sit down and think about the life that you want and if it includes someone who has no compunction about lying and deceiving you. His actions have shown you that he simply doesn't care that you are hurt by his As and your actions have shown him that he can continue to have them and you will stay. No reason for him to change. It is time to give him one.

Then don't let him back in until he has SHOWN you that he can be trusted. Until he backs up his words with actions, you have nothing to talk about.

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 2:34am

Tough love,

He isn't having to own up to what he is doing and won't until he has to. Sounds like it is time to see a lawyer. I sat in the shrinks office with a 60 year old woman who just got divorced a few years ago. She said there is life after divorce, even after 35 years of marriage. A good life she emphasized. I really needed someone to say that to me.

Once you start this process. He will have to make choices. Then you set the terms. It is your choice from there. This can't be healthy for the children either.

Chin Up! You can do this.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 8:42am
There is no reason for your H to stop committing adultery - every time he does, he placates you with a few nice sounding lies and you continue the marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 3:01pm
I call BS. My wife used facebook to do the same thing. She reached out to all her ex's and ended up having an affair. He is going to do to you what you allow him to do. I sense (and am saying this in love) that you have low-self esteem. I know, I did at one point too. I wanted my marriage to work for the sake of my kids, but you cant be this mans doormat. You have to ask yourself can you trust him? What kind of marriage do you have if you are constantly wondering what he is up too? That is misery not a marriage. Life is too short. I hope all works out for you.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!