When is it time to just let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
When is it time to just let it go?
7
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 12:12pm

I need some advice, I'm new to the boards, and I've moved over from the Cyber-Cheating/EA page from here...so let me know if I'm in the wrong place. I'm trying to get over an EA and in the rebuilding stages. I think my husband thinks that we are past the EA and problems we were going through that precipitated it, but I"m not there yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 6:40am

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 9:12am

Thank you so much for reading my long story, and sorry it wound up being so lengthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 12:10pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-06-2009 - 9:14am

I respectfully disagree with with ghost. Your H has had longer than you to deal with and process this whole thing, now it is time for him to help you deal with and process this.

I was not able to let it go until I felt that DH "got it", until he understood why what he did hurt me so badly, until he understood why it was up to him to help me learn to trust him again. I think your H does get much of this, and he a lot farther than most WS are at 9 months past Dday, but he has to understand that you are going to take a bit longer to get there. He created this situation and you do him no favors by sweeping it all under the rug.

I suggest you tell him that you need his help getting past this. Let him know how deeply you are hurt. After all, it was him keeping secrets from you that got him in the position of having an EA, now is not the time to with hold this from him. You need him to hold you while you are crying over his betrayal. Understandably People who screw up like this don't really want to face the hurt the caused, but that does not mean that their victims should have to hold all that pain inside themselves just to spare their feelings. That is a different sort of victimization. You need to talk about this, so talk about it.

You also have the right to demand a letter or whatever you need from him to get her to back off. My DH did finally have a CO conversation with his xOW (they had an EA), but it was more like an "I need time to work on my M" rather than an "I don't ever want to talk to you" kind of thing. It was sufficient for her to leave him alone, but she didn't pass up an opportunity to put herself in his way in a non-intrusive sort of way. It was more like, "Here I am across the room/in the parking lot. Don't you want to talk to me?" When she showed up in his office a year later, he didn't kick her out, nor did he tell her not to contact him again. As you can imagine I had a huge problem with this. He said she "got the message", but that wasn't enough for me. I was through worrying about this, so I told him I would have her out of my life one way or another. He got the message that I would get rid of him if I had to, so we came up with a plan on how he would handle any further contact. She hasn't tried to contact him since, so maybe she did get the message.

I would approach it like you telling him that this is what you need. The thing he doesn't seem to be getting is that this does involve you, and if he wants you to stick around and trust you, he needs to give you a reason to. I needed DH to make that first NC phone call because I needed him to stick up for me and our M. I needed him to draw a line in the sand, no, I needed him to carve it in rock. But he was too concerned with hurting her feelings while he continued to stab me in the back as he walked on eggshells with her. He didn't even realize until that last conversation that he was still, a year after the NC phone call putting her well-being ahead of mine.

No, sorry ghost, this isn't all about what the WS needs, it is equally, maybe even more about what the BS needs.

Country Girl, your H is darned luck you are sticking around. After what he chose to do with this woman, the least he can do is write that letter or make that phone call then change his phone number. Then he needs to listen to you and help you work through this. You will let it go, when you work through, but if you ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, it will only come crawling out from under the rug at the worst of possible times. Take my word for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 10:56pm

Thanks Pamme. It is really good to hear from someone who has been on my side of the situation. I had a lot of time in the car today to think, and decided it is time to what you suggest, but with Ghosts' insights in mind. I guess where ghost is coming from is simmilar to where my H will be coming from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:40am

You can't let it go because obviously it isn't over - for you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 12:49pm

Well put.