When to put a stop to the cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
When to put a stop to the cheating?
6
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 10:28am

I know this is a personal decision and the answer is "whenever is right for you."

However... honestly, I feel like I should let him dig a deeper hole for some reason.

We have been married 3 years and have two children. Like everyone else, I thought he was different. He's not. With almost no effort at all, I have found evidence of at least a plan to physically cheat with someone he talks to through facebook. I am not sure, but I think it is an old classmate. Doesn't matter to me who it is.. all I know is they have sent photos of their private parts to each other and chatted about what they want to do to each other. That's enough for me.

So.

I could probably actually start digging to find out how far it has gone etc.. but why? I don't want to live a life of suspicion and paranoia. I am able to just shut it all down in my head and heart and be done with the whole thing. I absolutely would be fine if it weren't for my babies who are 18 months and six months old. We chose to have the babies based on the fact that our love was so strong and it would be amazing to raise kids who actually had both parents in the house etc... la la la la la.. whatever.

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Paula = 43; Mike = 38; Tubal reversal 12/4/08, one tube reparied; Healthy baby girl born 2/16/10; PG again, EDD 3/18/11!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 10:52am

(((Hugs, bbyparit))),

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 11:09am
Thank you for the quick response. I found the evidence this morning and I have to leave work in an hour to take our littlest to his six month checkup.. I planned to swing by my husband's work on the way back from the appt. He is a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts and I'm not sure I can wait that long to talk to him about some or all of it. I seriously don't think there will be any yelling or screaming etc.. I plan to just go ask him a few questions to give him a chance to fess up and then tell him what I know. I have no reason to yell or scream. But I do need a plan for what happens next. I need that plan in my head and heart before I go talk to him so that's why I hopped on here hoping to get even one opinion.

Thank you again and I'm sorry you had to go through all of that with your Ex. Even if you feel you are better off. :)

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Paula = 43; Mike = 38; Tubal reversal 12/4/08, one tube reparied; Healthy baby girl born 2/16/10; PG again, EDD 3/18/11!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 11:14am
going to see a divorce lawyer for a consultation would send him a very strong message that you will not tolerate this and also empower you with information
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 11:49am
Hmmmmm..... I feel empathy for you and I want to smack your husband for you. Too many of us in the same situation at the same age. Young with children. My uncle who is a doctor describes the child rearing years as the "dark years" and damn if hi isnt right. Your question leads me to ask you a question. What have you done to prepare yourself for a separation? Have you consulted with an attorney yet? If not, call today. Do you have access to money? Will you leave? Or are you packing his suitcase with only his favorite sweats and the toothbrush you scrub the base of the toilet with? You have amazing self control to not confront him right away. I wish I could have held off, got my plan in order prior to asking him if he had "anything" he wanted or needed to tell me. I dont think anything "wakes up" a WS more than learning you mean business. You have more than sufficient evidence to confront him. Don't you think the farther it goes the more painful for you? You don't need to dig deeper, HE does. He is the one that has to "man up" for what he has done or even what he did. I think cheaters have really poor boundaries when it comes to other woman and many are cake eaters. I wish you the best of luck. We are all here for you as we have been betrayed by the very ones who took for granted the precious gifts they were given.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 3:21pm

Whether he went thru with it or not you'll never know unless he fesses up. What you DO know is that the INTENT was there and to me that's just as bad. I too accidentally found very inappropriate e mails to a woman when my H left his work e mail on our shared laptop open (well he left it minimized instead of closing it out)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 10:29pm

Sorry, still have to reply thru another person's post, my computer and iV seem to hate one another nowdays.