where do i go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2009
where do i go from here?
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 8:24am

I found out my Husband of 9 yrs has been having an affair for over 9 months. I have confronted the OW, told her husband and now our three boys know. I want to try and make it work but I keep getting new details, and different versions of what actually happened. My husband chose to stay out of town when he was only an hour away Mon-Sat evening for 9 months. I tried to be supportive because he loves his job. But it got to the point where he was telling me and our boys that he "shouldn't have to talk to or deal with us while he was on the road" and that we got enough of his time sat. night and Sunday.

I caught him by accident by calling his cell phone at 1:30 am and catching him on the other line. (He has a dangerous job so I have never called him late like that before) at first he said he wasn't on the phone at all (there is an audible beep sound when you call a cell phone and the person is on the other line) then after 20 minutes he told me that it was "a wrong number, he gets those a lot" (RIGHT!) and that the reason he lied was because I am crazy and wouldn't believe him. He finally admitted to a "relapse" the next night when I told him he needed to get his things because he didn't live here anymore.

The woman is 40, married with one boy. She worked at the hotel he stayed at serving free drinks in the lobby mon-thurs. for 2 hours. I have met her several times and she has met my boys. At one point when my boys and I were up there she had her husband bring her son up to play with my boys. Everything I read says that husbands go for younger prettier woman. She is 5'2 (maybe!) and runs about 210! AND I have way bigger breast! She was also a stripper which my husband claims is a turn off.

They talked on the phone constantly, i can not get phone records because it is a company phone. He took a permanent position in that town this fall and will not give it or the phone up. He says he 'isnt the same guy' anymore but I dont see a difference. He even drives past her house on the way to work even though it isn't a direct route to his shop. (Oh and one of the details I learned on my own was that he took her to his shop and 'fooled around' there) I have never even been there and had to look it up on a map


Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love's tragedies. -- Oscar Wilde

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 11:09am

My husband told me this week that i need to "get control" and 'wrap this s--t up" cause if I dont "get my act together then all of this will just happen again!" I dont know how to handle this especially when I am doing it on my own and he is "through the affair" so he dosent want to hear about any of it or work on it because he says he dosent need to work on it since he's quit doing it. His favorite thing to tell me when I am crying or upset is that he "dosent care" and That makes it even harder to deal with.

If he is not compassionate and remorseful he WILL do it again
He is not worth your time

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 3:10pm

'you need to wrap this shi* up and get under control' oh hell no!!!!!!!!!!

the only thing i would be wrapping up are his things. i would call him tell him he has til the weekend to get the hell ot. go rent that apartment for the 2 of them. tell him do not worry about his precious time being subjected to his menial family cause HE NO LONGER HAS A FAMILY.

please, please, please - take your power back. he has it all and you are allowing him to keep it.

this is YOUR life we are talking about, YOURS, you only go around 1 time, there are no redos.

it is time that you demand respect for yourself. obviously the man is dillusional and believe me when i say in the end he will realize what a friggin fool he is.

the 180* list on this board, look it up, read it, practice it.

if you do not respect yourself enough to demand that this stops, if you do not draw a line in the sand ------- what you are currently dealing with is but a drop in the bucket as to what your future holds. i know, believe me i know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 3:40pm

Where do I go to from here?

Start practicing the 180 list. You are the priority now.

Get together a plan B. Gather and copy all financial records.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 4:06pm

Are you sure we aren't married to the same man????


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 10:39pm
Well Im sorry you have to go through this.Its been almost 6 years since my divorce became final.If you are a stay at home Mom I would look into some vocational training so you will be prepared to make a go of it on your own.It doesnt sound to me like your husband is sorry at all for cheating on you.....I would hesitate to try and rebuild with someone who thinks you need get your sh%t together when he is the one cheating.I guess the next thing coming down the pike is for him to try and convince you that its your fault he cheated. If the O.W. is looking to lease an apartment that should be a red flag to you.I have a hunch the 2 of them are going to be hooking up again but Im looking through a differnt set of eyes because Im a guy and I have been there and done that with my ex when she was cheating.Gods peace and blessings on you,your family and your friends.Wuzzy