Where things are today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Where things are today.
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 5:59pm

Well I asked him to leave the house Thursday and ignored calls and text on Friday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 7:04pm

First be honest with yourself. You want him to come home and be your husband again. That means without OW in the picture. He needs to be accountable and transparent for you to feel confident that this is the case.

It will take time to establish trust. You can't just think up something he could do to make you forgive him, and poof he's back home and everything is rosy. He needs to be working on this too. You shouldn't have to come up with answers here. At least not for him. For yourself, if anything.

HE needs to come up with answers at this point. Does HE want this? What is HE willing to sacrifice or do? What does HE think is at stake? You're the judge at this point, not the defendant or his counsel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 7:18pm
He says he will do anything and what ever it takes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 9:04am

huggs h2k!

"He says he will do anything and what ever it takes."

At this point he has proven his words are not worth a grain of salt. Is he willing to go no contact with the OW? No texting, no calls, nada zip? Is he willing to end it with OW, with you present when he does so, telling her in no uncertain terms that it was the worst choice he could have ever made for him to have an A with her? Is he willing to tell this OW by phone or letter, with you present, that he is deeply in love with his wife and is going to do everything in his power to rebuild with his WIFE? Is he willing to become an open book with you for as long as it takes for you to feel even some hope of trust? Is he willing to immediately go to IC to find out why he made such a choice to begin with?

I totally agree that pressuring him to stay or go is not in your best interest. IMHO you should just tell him what you expect in your marriage and if he is capable and willing on his own accord to give you the love and respect that you deserve then great. If he doesn't back his words up with his actions you have your answer. Don't allow him to deflect his problems on you. An A is not a "mistake" it is a CHOICE made by the WS. Every call, contact or whatever the WS has made with an OW has required his/her CHOICE to do so! It doesn't matter how difficult life is or what problems the WS is facing it doesn't excuse the choice to have an A. IMHO if it is so bad within the marriage that you must go looking outside for validation then at least have the decency to separate and end your marriage before doing so.

I can tell you that I went to IC for myself (helped me enormously!), my exh went to IC (two sessions) and we both went to MC (2 sessions--during which he sat mute) My exh refused to go no contact with OW. He made the choice for both of us. I do feel better that I at least tried but I know you can't 'make' someone else 'get' it. I also did the 180 (I'll bump it up for you). It empowers YOU whether you rebuild or not.

Stay strong h2k and know you will get through this one way or another!

(((((hugs))))) Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 7:51pm

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your H sounds a lot like mine. Making promises he has no intention of keeping. I know how bad you are hurting, I know how in some moments you want to take him back and belive everything he says he is going to do. After two years of waiting for my husband to do the right thing, I have decided that I deserve better and I am moving on. Looking back at my mistakes I would have separated, not taken him back and let him prove while we are apart that he wants to be in a marriage instead of waiting for the last two years for him to change and turn back into the man I married.