whose betraying here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2013
whose betraying here?
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 11:19am

My story is very long - here is the shortest version. I met DH10 years ago and married for 6. He had 2 kids, youngest was 2, so I have raised them. The first year we were dating, he "dissapeared" a couple of times, didn't hear from him all night, which I couldn't hold against him, we were not committed, but it still hurt. We moved in together and after 2 years, we could not get along and talked about breaking up, He slept with another woman and dissapeared once. After counseling and working through his problem, we were happy and eventually bought our house and got married.

Forward 7 years - to 3 months ago, I got a call from a woman at my office that said she was sleeping with my husband. She was a woman he met on Craigslist and turned out alot of what she said was lies, but alot of it was true too. Fact was, DH had been talking to her online and met her for a drink. He also admitted to texting 2 other women on from craigslist. You can imagine my rage and hurt after working through his infidelity.

I haven't left him, it's not that easy. I have raised his kids and his younges that is 12 is very close to me, I support her in every way and have considered staying for her. I did love DH, but my love is numb now after destroying my trust again. It is very difficult as we have built a life, a home and mutual friends and family that make us thrive because he had nothing when I met him. DH is drop dead gorgeous, he attracks alot of attention from women and I really do get tired of friends telling me how good looking he is and how lucky I am. DH has been extremely sorry for his actions of course and has made every effort to prove himself and make up for his mistakes. I can't help but think he said the same thing when we were dating.

2nd part to my story - after his cheating 3 months ago, I heard about my an old boyfriend from my hometown had just found out his wife was cheating on him. We dated for 2 years, he was the star athelete and good looking, dated around alot, but when we started dating, he got serious and wanted to get married and have kids. He bought me a house - I couldn't stay, I wanted a career so I left town and broke his heart. After hearing about his wife, I got up the nerve and contacted him online about 6 weeks ago. The spark was still there, I mean really there - after talking for 6 weeks and meeting at his house several times, I have strong feelings for him and he has the same. Meanwhile, DH moved out of our house for 2 weeks to give me some time to think, I was hoping I would miss DH, but I found myself wanting to see BF - to me, a bad sign or maybe my feelings are just skewed.

It is so difficult right now, I guess. DH has been in a tremendous depression of crying and anxiety that I am going to leave him. He is a mess. He swears that the last few years of growing apart and lack of affection in our marriage was why he was reaching out. He didn't realize I had the same needs not being met. Who knows, there may have been other women hes not admitting to. I told him I may consider getting an apartment for a few months to give myself some space, but he thinks once I leave, I won't be back. Meanwhile my old boyfriend has proclaimed his feelings for me and has tried to convince me that DH will never change. I have my home and lifestyle with DH who swears to make any change he has to, to keep me from leaving him.....and I have the excitement of reuniting with BF that is someone I have known for 25 years and I have turned his life around.

I can't leave my stepdaughter, I support her and I will until she is out of school, that is agreed with DH, and DH has a good income that will help. We were ahead in our finances and I'm afraid the split will wreck us both financially. I have feelings for both men and I feel very torn. I am taking a huge chance staying any longer with DH, I could be 50 years old and catch him doing this again in 8 years, or I can leave and regret losing him with someone that I am not 100% sure I am compatible with.





iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 11:27am

I would suggest that you & DH go to counseling and figure out if it's at all possible to save the marriage.  yes, what he did was wrong, so you have to figure out if he is sincere about not doing it again or if he is just sorry that he got caught.  At least then if you do decide to leave, you will feel that you did everything possible to try to save the marriage.  For now, you need to stop seeing your old BF--he's a distraction.  Of course you are angry & hurt at your DH so then you find your old love and naturally you want to be with someone loving, attractive and you think there are no problems--because you don't know him so he's like Mr. Perfect Fantasy Man right now.  I can understand wanting to get back at your DH but cheating yourself is not the solution.  If things don't work out w/ DH then you can decide what you want to do.  I do agree that if you move out for a few months (and presumably act like you're single) it will probably be a lot harder to repair your relationship.  I don't think it's really possible to work on your marriage unless both of you agree not to see other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 11:56pm

You're not happy in your marriage, so at this point, the hunchback of Notre Dame would seem hot and sexy to you.  You know very well, two wrongs don't make a right!  He's cheated on you, more than likely more times than you'll ever know.  But you know about enough.  You need to end your marriage before you worry about another man.  At this point, you'd be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.  As for your stepdaughter, she is just that, your stepdaughter not your daughter.  By staying in an unhappy marriage, you aren't doing her any favors.  She is growing up thinking that your marriage is the norm, and she'll accept the same treatment from a man.  She needs to see a woman that's strong, not one who allows a man to cheat on her, emotionally abuse her, and make her life miserable.  You raised this girl, but did you legally adopt her?  You need to see a lawyer to find out what your options are, and you need to stay away from the old b/f.......you'll get involved with him and then he'll probably make up with his wife, and then you'll be left with nothing.

As for your husband, he's a very insecure man.  You say he cries if you threaten to leave him.......guess what, that's sincere.  He does love you, but he needs attention from other women so he can feel like a big man.  Looks have nothing to do with it.  Look at how many beautiful women in Hollywood can't hold on to a man!  Your husband has a problem and it's doubtful he'll change.......you're the one who had to make the move.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 10:49pm

I can leave and regret losing him with someone that I am not 100% sure I am compatible with.

Are you 100% compatible with Dear Husband? or is anyone for that matter?  Has he not left you several times so to speak without telling you though his actions?

There is no clear answer except if you want any relationship with anyone else to work you need to be single and not involved with more than one person to have success.  Do not let him drag you down to his level either be an example to your husband of what a loving spouse really is or leave and live a life that is true to You and virtuous.  Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 5:00pm

IMO you need to stop contact with old bf and figure out what to do about your marriage without the distraction of another man. Whether bf is just a rebound or has potential for a serious relationship, who knows, but you have too many other issues to sort through right now. You need to be able to get very clear in your feelings about your H's betrayal of you, whether you want to work through it or not etc.

Could you still have a relationship with your step-dd without being married to her dad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 4:01pm

He disappeared before you were committed.  He cheated and disappeared after you were committed.  He's been trolling Craigslist for ladies (that's a betrayal).  Your looking up an old BF online is a betrayal too, but I think it's understandable.

Just because a marriage might end doesn't mean that your relationship with his children has to end.

Just because your husband might be nice to look at on the outside doesn't mean you should count your blessings to have him if he is going to be cheating.  He's a serial cheater.  You are not lucky to have him, it's the other way around!

I think the ball is in your court.  You might be able to salvage your marriage if you both want to.  I wouldn't end a marriage right no just because there's another guy waiting in the wings.  Are you and your DH both open to counseling again?

What do YOU want to do?  Do you have friends and family who will provide emotional support if you decide to leave?