whose betraying here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2013
whose betraying here?
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 11:19am

My story is very long - here is the shortest version. I met DH10 years ago and married for 6. He had 2 kids, youngest was 2, so I have raised them. The first year we were dating, he "dissapeared" a couple of times, didn't hear from him all night, which I couldn't hold against him, we were not committed, but it still hurt. We moved in together and after 2 years, we could not get along and talked about breaking up, He slept with another woman and dissapeared once. After counseling and working through his problem, we were happy and eventually bought our house and got married.

Forward 7 years - to 3 months ago, I got a call from a woman at my office that said she was sleeping with my husband. She was a woman he met on Craigslist and turned out alot of what she said was lies, but alot of it was true too. Fact was, DH had been talking to her online and met her for a drink. He also admitted to texting 2 other women on from craigslist. You can imagine my rage and hurt after working through his infidelity.

I haven't left him, it's not that easy. I have raised his kids and his younges that is 12 is very close to me, I support her in every way and have considered staying for her. I did love DH, but my love is numb now after destroying my trust again. It is very difficult as we have built a life, a home and mutual friends and family that make us thrive because he had nothing when I met him. DH is drop dead gorgeous, he attracks alot of attention from women and I really do get tired of friends telling me how good looking he is and how lucky I am. DH has been extremely sorry for his actions of course and has made every effort to prove himself and make up for his mistakes. I can't help but think he said the same thing when we were dating.

2nd part to my story - after his cheating 3 months ago, I heard about my an old boyfriend from my hometown had just found out his wife was cheating on him. We dated for 2 years, he was the star athelete and good looking, dated around alot, but when we started dating, he got serious and wanted to get married and have kids. He bought me a house - I couldn't stay, I wanted a career so I left town and broke his heart. After hearing about his wife, I got up the nerve and contacted him online about 6 weeks ago. The spark was still there, I mean really there - after talking for 6 weeks and meeting at his house several times, I have strong feelings for him and he has the same. Meanwhile, DH moved out of our house for 2 weeks to give me some time to think, I was hoping I would miss DH, but I found myself wanting to see BF - to me, a bad sign or maybe my feelings are just skewed.

It is so difficult right now, I guess. DH has been in a tremendous depression of crying and anxiety that I am going to leave him. He is a mess. He swears that the last few years of growing apart and lack of affection in our marriage was why he was reaching out. He didn't realize I had the same needs not being met. Who knows, there may have been other women hes not admitting to. I told him I may consider getting an apartment for a few months to give myself some space, but he thinks once I leave, I won't be back. Meanwhile my old boyfriend has proclaimed his feelings for me and has tried to convince me that DH will never change. I have my home and lifestyle with DH who swears to make any change he has to, to keep me from leaving him.....and I have the excitement of reuniting with BF that is someone I have known for 25 years and I have turned his life around.

I can't leave my stepdaughter, I support her and I will until she is out of school, that is agreed with DH, and DH has a good income that will help. We were ahead in our finances and I'm afraid the split will wreck us both financially. I have feelings for both men and I feel very torn. I am taking a huge chance staying any longer with DH, I could be 50 years old and catch him doing this again in 8 years, or I can leave and regret losing him with someone that I am not 100% sure I am compatible with.





iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2013
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 6:41pm

Thank you all for your advice, I know I sound vulerable and weak that I am seeing someone else, but I am usually strong and independent and felt like taking a chance I guess. I never in a thousand years expected to have feelings for my old BF, and he didn't either - we were both very surprised and understand we need to step back. I care for him regardless, we grew up together and I am very fond of him. As for DH, he is very remorseful, but that has been part of his pattern in the past, he is always sorry after he does it. I was single for many years before I met him, and I enjoyed it.  The thought of being on my own again is exciting, but I have a child and family to think about.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 6:01pm

Yea, definately need to put xBF on hold.  If it is meant to be, you will reconnect again, AFTER your divorce. 

Your DH is right about one thing, if you get your own apartment, the chances are lowered that you would move back.  Separation is a very tricky thing.  Works for some, but it opens the door for misunderstandings and infidelity. 

I think your DH is using women to get his "good enough."  Not saying he doesn't love you, but some men just seem to have this weakness inherent of their personality.  Someone else has posted here with similar issues and I think that if you want to reconcile, you will have to know that this will probably always be an underlying issue with your DH. 

Some have a one time gig, and they truly move on and it never happens again.  Others fight it the rest of their life to varying degrees.  I think in your case, the craigslist and on-line thing is concerning.  If he was looking, it is a serious issue.  I mean, one thing to all of sudden see a current acquaintence in a new light versus actively looking for the attention.  Make sense? 

Good luck and I hope you find clarity.  And good for you standing by your SD.  Don't shoot yourself in the foot, but nice to see how much you care. 

Serenity CL making a second marrige work


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 2:29pm

Hi instantmom,  IMO there is no reason that justifies an affair.  An A does not solve any problems only creates more.  It is a fantasy, not real life.  It may make the people in it feel good temporarily but the problem that existed before the A is still there and only compounds with time.  I personally would be concerned about how easily BF can make the choice to be in an A.  This would make me question if he could just as easily have one on me, kwim?

IMHO an affair touches far beyond the BS and the OW/OM. For my own SS he had/ has huge problems because of his father's infidelities.  When I divorced his father he was 10 now he is 16.  He is still a wonderful part of my life.  I have always had a good relationship with him and his mother. With his own father he has little respect For him.  This is something he has learned on his own--who his father really is.  Kids are so much smarter and observant than we give them credit for.  A month after I separated from my ExH he had his OW move in with him (we were not divorced at the time).  My SS came for a summer visit and was devastated to find this woman there.

instantmom, regardless if you stay married or divorce your H you need to learn to be happy with yourself.  Another man doesn't make you happy, happiness is a choice we each make.  Being a whole person is not dependent on another.  I suggest you find a councelor yourself, to help you heal from your H's betrayal and make better choices for yourself.  You and your BF need to be healed from your own spouses betrayals before you an create healthy future relationships.

I wish you the best,


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2013
Fri, 08-23-2013 - 12:35pm

Update - I have decided to move out of DHs house temporarily. It is temporary because I'm not even sure if I don't want to keep my  house. I found a month to month apartment and I will go home when SD is there. I just need some time alone. I am not talking to xBF as much, but we do check in every day. He agrees I need to do whats best for me right now and doesn't want to be some rebound. As for DH, he is still emotional because he thinks I won't come back. I may or may not, but I am looking forward to solitude, I am tired of being smothered and my feelings for him are not there right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 2:48am

I agree with Ollie's advice 100%.  Something else you need to consider~your involvement with the BF can be presented as adultery in court in your H's favor in most states and cost you big time in terms of allimony, visitation rights, etc.  While its not fair, its a double standard in place in a lot of states. You can't use his obvious, proven adultery but he can use yours, even if there has been no sex with the BF; your H knows about your R with the BF and trust me, he WILL use it to his advantage. You need to talk to an attorney pronto!