WHY ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
WHY ??
9
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 12:51am

I'm sorry this is so long. I just have to get this out, and maybe find another mind like my own. Ladies, why do we put ourselves through such crap? Ya know...men like these other women because they don't know who they are. I mean, your husband can act

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
In reply to: evilmad
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 9:49pm

Dear Evilmad,


No actually you are not done, I take it that you have entered the anger phase of the grief period we all face after the revelation of an A. You sound a bit pissed. LOL -and I am not laughing at you, I just fully understand where you are coming from. Been there, done that.


Your visuals were stunning, I found myself hysterically laughing at some of the pictures you painted in my mind. Thank you. And, I have to admit my H was guilty of a few of those transgressions prior to the A. He is actually a neat freak though, and after almost 30 years together now, he will still run into another room to fart, so he does not do it in front of me!


Seriously though, let me explain why I have stayed. My H and I had a good M. Really, not all affairs begin with a troubled M. They do begin with a troubled spouse, however. After my H injured a previously asymptomatic cervical herniated disc, where I visited every doctor with him and nursed him back to health, he returned to work on a weekend. The last weekend in April, 2006, the wife of a coworker, whom we were becoming “couples friends” with told him that she had something she wanted to give him and he was intrigued. We also have three children, all boys, ranging from 19 to 6 at the time. Married 21 years, together a quarter of a century, as we started dating in 1980. I am also a SAHM, however, I do have investment income.


According to my H, the A was ended by him the first week in July 2006. I have no way to confirm that. DDay was mid August 2006. My H had been home 24/7 from another surgery for weeks, and the OW’s H practically drove through our front door to confront him. My H denied for two days, before he finally confessed to having an A with her.


My H was due to have a cervical discectomy with fusion the end of that month. It was the third of 3 surgeries in 2 years. We were in our mid 40’s at the time.


And you are right, they do not show their faults to the OW, it is all a fantasy world, and they enjoy the escape from reality. Getting over the resentment of the WS giving the best part of themselves to the AP, and us getting the worst at home, is all part of the process of recovering from infidelity. I give you my support and empathy.


In our case, rebuilding has been brutal but productive. It is still a work in progress as you read in the thread about the AHA moment. My H has become more considerate and in tune to my needs than he ever has been, even when we were dating. He takes care of me when I am sick now, in a way he never did in the past. He has become a much more mature individual and his self esteem is at a point where he understands his value at work, he will not allow anyone to diminish that anymore, and he will stand up for himself no matter what the economic fallout. I support him on that. At the time of the A, he worked for a tyrant and he had been there for 10 years. We have had a difficult 2 years with job losses, and insurance issues, but his current job is the best he has ever had, and we were able to resume C to work on the last of our issues.


He has become a better father. He takes some of the burdensome responsibilities off my back, where he never used to. We even chaperone for our youngest S on field trips now, as my H works 2nd shift and is home while our S is in school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: evilmad
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 7:07pm

I hear ya!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: evilmad
Sun, 05-03-2009 - 10:24pm
Thank you for taking the time to read the post. I had to get it out there. I have no intention of rebuilding. He is not what I want. After 12 years, I can finally say that without a doubt in my mind. I wish you all the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 12:01am

I had to laugh at your oh- so- true post. I remember my H saying that the OW just ADORED him. Yup, she never had to wipe the toilet rim off because that's what the housekeepers at the cheap motel had to do after they left. She never had to answer the relentless "whats for dinner" every night because

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 8:08am
MLB45: I'm glad it's going well for you now.
.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
In reply to: evilmad
Mon, 05-04-2009 - 5:01pm

Dear Evilmad, Georgiannasx, all,


I wish you the best too. Sometimes, rebuilding is just not the way to go, and we all recognize this. As the betrayed, you have the right to choose. Many times the WS is absolutely SHOCKED when the BS just flat out wants to end the M. They are so deluded they think they have all the power. They think that the M will end ONLY if they decide that is what THEY want. Arrogance.


However, I caution you in your criticism of those who are rebuilding, like we are all stupid for staying. It is the hardest thing we have ever done, believe me. Many of us are engaged in an internal tug of war on this issue, that lasts for years. But, there are often good reasons to rebuild, and not everyone who has an A is destined to repeat it. At least, not if they do the hard work to fix themselves. There are success stories, but they are a minority, based on the fact that the WS has so much painful internal work to do. Lets face it, if they were weak enough to engage in an A, they simply may not be up to the challenge of overhauling themselves, or even care to.


My H never disengaged from our M. His A was short lived. Honestly, if it hadn’t been her, there would have been someone else at some point. My H was in a very bad place and searching for anyone who might make him feel better for awhile. At the time, he did not realize that the only person who had/has the power to do that was himself. There was no particular attraction for my H to the OW, aside from the fact she liked him and offered the A, and that flattered him. Sick as it was, even when we entertained the OW, her H and their D in our home, while the A was ongoing, he was affectionate and loving to me in front of her. I could see that she was enamored of my H, and our oldest S saw it too, the last time they were here, but neither of us saw that reciprocated from my H to her. We both thought it was one sided at the time. Eventually, my suspicions were confirmed, however. Very unfortunate.


I know I may sound pschzophrenic(sp?) because my posts in two different threads have been decidedly negative or positive. The fact is, that represents the internal civil war that we face as rebuilders. It is simply part of the struggle. My H has done many awesome things to recognize areas where he was selfish or lacking in his treatment of myself and our kids in the past, and he has been working diligently to change his behavior. He has also gone from a “going through the motions Catholic” to a faith filled man. That helps me too, in that he feels he is answering to God in a way he never really had before. God has high expectations, and sees what I cannot. So if my H’s conscience is bothering him, it would be a good gauge that something is going on. Also, my H is now in the habit of praying daily. If that ceased, it would also be a red flag for me.


There are some behaviors however, where my H still has a very long way to go. When those bad behaviors surface, they jeopardize our rebuilding. I am still patient with him, as he is working on it. But my patience is thinning, I have to admit. If the time comes that he cannot behave in an appropriate manner toward me in those areas, and I find he either can not or will not change, I will have to re access when we get there. Until then, I am hanging in, but sometimes, I don’t happen to like it.


Oh, and referring to the toilet issue so many of you have complained about, this may be TMI, but my H actually sits, so there is never a mess and the seat is never up. Our boys, however, do not. Neither one of us will go into their bathrooms without a hazardous waste suit on, and only when we need to clean. EWEEW.


Best wishes to you and my heart goes out to your three kids. This will be hard on them, and I am so sorry for your pain too.


MLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: evilmad
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 1:37am
My husband has never taken care of me. EVER. The day of coming home from surgery to repair a hernia, my doctor told him to wait on me hand and foot. I was not to get out of bed for anything! He left me in my room, never checked on me. He did fix the kids something to eat though, but not me. He wouldn't
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
In reply to: evilmad
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 12:53pm

The kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2009
In reply to: evilmad
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 1:40pm

Evilmad,


it sounds like your H is a narcissist. and i agree with you, if i did not have any children with my H, i would have hopped on the first plane back home. I would not have given him the chance to rebuild, at all. And like you, my H tried to run the excuse that i was always on his case, mad at him, & stressing him out, but all of that was do to HIS ACTIONS toward me. I was not like that "just because", like you he told the OW all kind of lies about me, to make himself look better, because after all, which idiot would want to cheat on a good woman??? He had to make me look bad to make himself look good. And i dont know about you, but the OW in my case is nothing compared to me, he lied about what she was like and was embarrasedd when i finally saw her. So he basically took the first opportunity he could get to have an affair, even if it meant it was a woman that is far less than me in EVERY WAY, physically, mentally, financially, socially, etc. I guess it made him feel superior since she was inferior to him. Evilmad, I feel your pain.