Why am I here again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Why am I here again?
Wed, 12-19-2012 - 10:44pm

Today, I stumbled upon info that didn't seem right about my husband so I read his email.  He knows I have the password and can look anytime.  I usually choose not to, but today I did.  I found tons of messages/texts between he and another woman.  They apparently met twice last week when he told me he was obviously elsewhere.  They have all kinds of nicknames for each other and he was saying things I haven't heard him say to me in years.  The beginning of the messages on email/facebook date back to the start of November but who knows how long this has gone on for.  The knife in my back is that about 4 years ago, I found out about him doing this exact thing with some other woman.  We went to a therapist and I really wanted to forgive him so I did.  I can't believe I'm here again.  My kids are 8 and 4.  I don't want to ruin their Christmas so I told them their dad had to travel for work.  The truth is I threw him out and told him there is really nothing left to say between us.  What do I do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 12-21-2012 - 3:52pm


Definitely call an attorney, asap.  If you don't have one already you can google the bar association in your area and they will direct you to attorney's in your area.  Most have low cost initial fees.  You don't have to choose the first attorney you visit but It is really a relief to find out what your financial options are.

I also suggest you gather all of your financial records, deed to the house, bank statements, birth certificates and everything you can think of.  The attorney will need these.   Make a list of every question you can think of to ask the attorney on this visit.   Open a checking account in your name only and start socking money away.  If you have any joint credit cards get your name off of them and If they are in your name make sure your H's name is not on them.

Do you work outside the home?  Many times child support can be set up before the divorce is final so ask the attorney about that.

I agree with the other posters who suggested you see a counselor.  I went to one after my d day and she helped me tremendously.  Once I knew I was not going to stay with my H, I talked to my sister and close friends and they were a great help.  Don't isolate yourself.  IMHO, your H created this mess and if you feel you need to confide in a family member or close friend for your own sanity then do so.  If you would ever decided to stay with him then he will have to prove himself to them and to you.

Above all take care of yourself and you children.  Make a plan b and take steps every day to get there.  It is not an end but rather a beginning--a possibility for a healthy, happy future.

I survived and thrived after and you can too!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 11:15pm

It sounds like you need to pull a "Katie Holmes".  Quietly get all your ducks in a row, get plan A and plan B firmly in place, and then get out.  If he's had at least two emotional affairs and blew off the help you got in counseling, then I think he's telling you who he is here.  This friendship he has with "her" is no longer just a friendship, shows up like a red flag with all the intimacy and get-togethers.  Just quit beating up on yourself, sounds like you did it all right AND thought maybe he'd never do it again - famous last words on these boards.  This is all on him, he always had other choices to fix what's wrong inside of him.  Cheating is what he chose, doesn't matter if it's a physical or emotional affair, they both half kill you.  I think you're on the right path here.   


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 10:30pm
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine finding out while still trying to pull Christmas together. Based on your post, I think you already know what you are doing next. But make sure you a) take care of yourself and treat yourself like you would your child if they were sick. You would make sure they rest and get proper nutrition, so do that for yourself, you deserve it. B) get a lawyer and make sure you do things the right way. C) find someone to talk to.. best friend, pastor, etc. Just avoid family because if there is the slightest chance of you getting back together you don't want them to start problems because of what they know. Hugs to you.
Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Thu, 12-20-2012 - 2:24pm

I am so sorry about your situation, it totally sucks! However, you need to take care of yourself. You should make sure you are eating and working out, and if you can, get yourself a therapist to work through these issues. You also need to find a good lawyer and make sure you get what you need. Finally, and most importantly, you need to work toward getting past this, both for yourself and for your kids. No matter what, he is their father, and you have to work toward parenting with him in a harmonious way for their sakes.

Good Luck,