why is it always the best friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
why is it always the best friend?
6
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 6:21pm

not that she was that good of a friend obviously, but still it's a double whammy :(
He's not in love with her, is relieved it's out (lasted about a month), we've been together for over six years, have a 3 yr old and a 20 month old, I'm letting him stay if he
a) never sees her again
b) quits drinking (which was their main thing in common as I don't drink
and c)let's me take over the finances (I'm just throwing that in there since it's been an issue lately)

Here's my question... am I nuts? Our family is very important to me and I don't hinge everything on sex, but I'm worried I'll never trust him again and don't know how that will play out. I THINK I can forgive him, but what if I can't?
I don't even know how I feel - just empty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 3:01pm

I'm sorry you find yourself here and that I'm the first to post.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 8:23pm
No worries, as with most here probably I mainly just wanted to vent. I'm determined not to wallow! We have agreed not to tell anyone here about it. We both have lots of family around and since we're working it out we don't want to deal with the criticism and judgment that would no doubt occur if everyone knew. It is killing me not confiding to one of my sisters, but I just don't want the sideways looks for the rest of our lives(/marriage).
I am starting to realize just how betrayed I was though. She's been working on him for years. Apparently rubbing up against him every time I'd leave the room and telling him she loves him and wants to be with him, begging to suck his dick and then turning around and being friends with me the next minute. She had him convinced that I am just using him until my kids are in school and I can work full time and go off and find my true soul mate. This she patched together from enough confidential conversations that it sounded plausible to him and he believed it. He apparently told her that he wouldn't leave me for her, but if we were not together then he'd probably date her. So of course then she was all about breaking us up. I'm madder at her, he's only a man with a penis, but women are the wily ones who do all the plotting, and she was playing all angles. What a bitch :(
Bleh. It just feels unreal. Did I fall into a romance novel or something??
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:41am

When you are a few months out, you might consider reading,The Art of Seduction, by Robert Greene.

It was really painful to read but I saw all the classic techniques used on my spouse and it opened my eyes quite a bit. The classic technique to use on a person is the Third Person approach to seduction. Even if it isn't used consciously, the simple fact is that it works. Several men used me or another third person to to get close to my spouse. Now that I've read this I'm very carful about who I let in my own personal circles and I watch my spouses circles closely as well.

The book is really icky, FYI and put a some bad thoughts in my own head. But I'm at a stage in my life where I run to the pain. Maybe not a good choice for others.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2009
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 10:38am
Thank you Thomas, I may do that. I was definitely a third party in this situation!
Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 11:07am

Yeah, there is so much to digest after an affair. I think it takes years to fully understand what happened. My spouse is going through the same sort of un-constructing what happened. It took her months just to grasp that my hurt wasn't just going to flit away and we were just going to be happy ever after. We are having to change a tremendous amount of bad behaviors on both sides.

We just got back from a three week tour together. My company had a retreat and spouses were welcomed. Besides our company, there were other folks there that we didn't know. One single older man sort of latched on to us. I finally expressed my concerns to my spouse about him and it made for a very bad day and a half. I'll be damned if that guy would just show up where my spouse was in the oddest of places. After we had this discussion, one day she ran off one morning to get a swim suit and when I dropped in to see how things were going. He was in line with her when she was buying the suit. ??? She was just like, "He just appeared out of nowhere?"

ugh!

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Figuring it out. Together.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 5:00pm

Maria,

Why IS it always the best friend?? My husband and I have been together for 7 years (9 months of it marriage) and found out he has had a 2 week affair with one of my bridesmaids. About a year into dating, he cheated on me with the same girl. It wasnt as big of a deal since we were casually dating and I ended up getting past the incident and became really good friends with the other woman, obviously enough so that she was one of my bridesmaids 6 years later. We all hung out together all the time and after my husband and I married, I went out less and less and he still went out, she was always there. She's "one of the guys" loves to go out and party and is very open about her sexual lifestyle (any guy's dream), all of the things I wasnt doing with my husband. Found out they slept together twice, first time my husband was extremely drunk (alcohol seems to be a bad factor, although not an excuse). During this first encounter, he told her he had had feelings for her all along and regretted getting married, etc. Second time he met her before he went to work.

He claims he was stupid and f***ed up royally and begged me not to leave him. Says he realized what he stood to lose and is now 110% committed. He claims he was merely infatuated with her, and our marriage was going to crap and it all happened. Seems like a completely different person, going out of his way to show he cares/loves me. Sex has been amazing since we reconciled. But how long with it last is what I wonder? I'm constantly scared he will change his mind and want to be with her. I constantly try to look my best, refrain from arguing about anything, and try to be more sexually active with him. For some reason, I seem to be handling everything pretty well, which is normally not like me, I usually cry at the drop of a hat.

As for the "friend", she claims she is completely ashamed and regrets everything. Hind-sight is 20/20 I guess... Wanted to kick her a$$ so bad at first, now I feel sorry that he led her to believe he was going to leave me for her, all the while wondering if he will later. She has been on an emotional roller coaster as well, although I dont feel bad enough that I EVER want to speak to her again.

I really hope my husband and I can work things out, right now it seems like we can but the unknown of the future really scares me.

Thanks for listening......