Why won't some give up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Why won't some give up?
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 11:39am

While reading through a number of recent "discovery stories" it seems that in a vast majority, the WS says they're sorry, vows to give up the OM/OW and work on the marriage, etc.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:39pm

It took me finding out the SECOND time around (2 days ago) and contacting the OW's husband to inform him what was going on for both my husband and the OW to get slapped by reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 2:06pm

yes, i think you hit the nail on the head. most of the betraying spouses are out there doing what they want to do. in it for the thrill, the fun, the experience. they are not, in any way thinking of the spouse at home, the kids, the family. so when d day happens they are full of maricopa, maricopay, maricopa,

i would interject though that many of those who are full of 'i am sorrys' are going to do it again. more times than not we see betrayed spouses coming back - upon the discovery of yet another affair. because in truth their lives are all about them - their wants, their needs, their fantasies. and the spouses, like me are expected to forgive - because that is what and who we are. and unfortunately spouses like me will forgive thinking, THIS TIME IS THE LAST TIME. we have taught our cheating spouses how to treat us - and we have taught our cheating spouses that we will put up with it because we value them over ourselves.

in truth we are 'in love with the man/woman we want them to be, NOT the person they truly are'.

the fact that your wife never considered stopping her affair does NOT mean she will not live to regret that decision. often times we, out of what we call love, are willing to wait, be patient, give them space, let them go - thinking they will find out and come back. WHY do we do this. we do this because we have for whatever reason put them before our own happiness. we have intertwined our happiness with them. we can not imagine a life without them. we have forgotten about ourselves.

mike, as myself a betrayed spouse, and out of a nature of caring i would like to ask you - what about mike? when are you going to start putting mike first, loving mike first?

i think you are the deserving of the best life has to offer - and i want to challenge you to think about why you do not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 2:11pm

doesn't it just want to make you want to pop them up along side their head and ask "where was your friggin brain"?

do me a favor tonight when you are alone - stand there in front of him and ask him "you were willing to loose the all of me? and for what? - don't you realize that i am special, that we as a team were special"? and when you say this MEAN IT. because you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 2:40pm

I don't think it's possible to categorize all affairs, or WS,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 3:16pm
I have read all of your missives so far. I do not believe you are comprehending the situation. She is experimenting with new things and lifestyle. Yes in a way she is fence sitting. Her remark about Poly is an indication that she would like both in different compartments. I get the feeling from your writings that you are not a passionate man. More intellectual thought driven.
IMO this is not black and white. But shades of grey. There has been things missing that she valued.
that is a fact as I read it. It does not mean that you did anything intentionally wrong. But a culmination that reached a breaking point. One of the hardest lessons is the reality vs the conditioning. The conditioned response of "how things are supposed to be" are going to be challenged in the coming decades.
As I read a vision comes to mind of a rooster perched on the fence facing east and a hen perched facing west. Both are on the fence. I wonder what would happen if the rooster had another hen?

SINCE 1969

xvx Pictures, Images and Photos

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 3:26pm

First let me say, I'm very sorry you find yourself here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 3:45pm

"She is experimenting with new things and lifestyle. Yes in a way she is fence sitting. Her remark about Poly is an indication that she would like both in different compartments."

Mike, your situation is so much like my own at the beginning that it scares me.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 3:52pm

It is hard to generalize all A's into two categories - as I think there are many reasons for A's and not everyone's situation here is the same nor is their reaction to it.

I've read your story here and just the fact that you are here, I am sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 4:03pm

It really depends on where the WS is personally. The hard cases are so deep in the fog they believe they have total control. They believe they will never get caught and if they do they will be able to control the situation so that they can continue having their A. They totally ignore all indications otherwise and are completely surprised when the BS doesn't play along.

Others simply don't believe they are doing anything wrong, or they have convinced themselves to believe they deserve this little bit on the side because their M is sooo bad, or they think they aren't hurting anyone (my DH actually said if I didn't have a problem there wouldn't be a problem). Let's just say their grasp on reality is slippery and it doesn't help that they become totally self-absorbed and addicted to the FEELING of having an A.

My DH's EA happened about 5 years ago and it took a year for him to come out of the fog even though he was only having an EA. It took me packing my bags twice for him to understand that even though he didn't intend to leave me, I would leave him if it didn't stop.

Others understand the wrong they are doing, feel stuck in a situation they don't know how to end, hate who they have become, and hate the lying. These people are relieved when the BS finds out and are ready to give up the A.

I would say that most WSs are not ready to end the A on the first Dday. They think they can lie a little more, wait a little while and start up again. They are not thinking about their spouse, or their children or the long-term consequences, they are only thinking of how good it feels. It is only when reality smacks them in the face that they begin to come out of the fog.

Some As are exit As, women tend to have these, but most are not. The WS wants to have the family, the comfy home, the stability the BS provides and the excitement of the A. What most BS don't realize as they languish and wait for the WS to "decide what he wants", is that he already has what he wants, he has already made his decision. The BS needs to decide what she wants, and it sure isn't living with the person the WS has become. It is up to the BS to be the adult in the situation and insist on change.

I have not read about your situation, but if your your W refuses to give up her lover, well, that is all you really need to know. Now is the time to decide what sort of life you want and to move on. Quite often, the WS comes to her senses and realizes she doesn't really want her AP, sometimes she doesn't because she really does want the AP. Either way, you waiting around for her to pull her head out does no one any good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2008
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 7:43pm

Hi Mike

I felt exactly the way you did early on being envious of other's where the WS actually wanted back into the marriage after being busted.