Why in the world does the OW get mad at MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Why in the world does the OW get mad at MM
23
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 10:05am

We have been rebuilding for five years and we are at a very good place. My DH is an amazing man and we now have a M made in heaven. It took me a very long time to figure out how in the world does any woman get involved with a MM when she knows he is M. I am 50 and while I still don't understand what makes a woman do this, I realize that some women don't care about M, have extremely low self esteem where they don't mind receiving crumbs from a MM and some are just narcisisitc who don't care about hurting other ppl as long as they get what they want. I read OW boards for years trying to understand the behavior of a woman who would stoop low enough to sleep with someone they know is M and finally I began to sympathize with some of them and understand that some women are just co-dependent and broken. This does not dismiss the fact that MM who cheat have low self esteem and terrible coping skills. Otherwise they would end their M and be single and sleep with whoever they want to without bringing their wives into a forced threesome. Anyway, one thing that I cannot understand for the life of me is why does the xow think that she is being "thrown under a bus" and get angry with the MM once he decides he no longer wants to be a cheater and liar and commits to his M? Why do they think that they were somehow done wrong? How does one get so self centered to allow themselves to be a third party in a M and then get angry when they are ejected from the MM's life? Why do they often say that the MM chose his W when the W was already chosen in the first place? This is a great mystery in my mind. How in the can they think that what they were doing with a MM is right, and what do they tell themselves while they are doing it. I remember looking at the Rielle Hunter interview where she called Elizabeth clueless and talked about the great love that she and Johnny share and SMDH wondering what planet is she from. Also, every post reads that it was the best s*x they ever had and that they are soul mates with the MM. Seriously??? My DH and I share a kind of intimacy that words can never describe because we know every inch of each other's bodies and have spent years studying each other both in and out of the bedroom.


OK, that is my rant for today. I guess I will never understand that level selfishness and denial.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 9:29pm

I'm not directing this at anybody, but a betrayed spouse is obviously going to need the betrayer to have tighter boundaries around people of the opposite sex after an affair. That's to be expected in my opinion. Female "friend" is a broad term IMO. I consider my male married neighbor a friend cause we do talk and help each other out with things around the yard. But would I go out with him alone anywhere without his wife. Absolutely not. IMO there would be no reason for that. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 9:38pm

This sounds overly defensive to me and unrealistic--what does it mean that your "marriage is made in heaven?"  It sounds like you are trying to say it's perfect.  Every marriage has ups & downs--some more than others.  I think it would be more realistic to say that your DH cheated, that was a bad period, but both of you decided to stay together and maybe now you are closer than ever, etc.  I just think it's unbelievable to think that you never have problems in your marriage.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 9:20am

Peaceyma, I totally agree with everything you wrote here. I agree that there would be no reason to go out with a married neighbor, just to hang out.  Much less should there be texting and phone calls with opposite-sex friends, unless you are making arrangements for something entirely above-board.  OTOH, if my DH is playing tennis with his mixed doubles partner and they stop for a beer on the way home, I don't care - he would do the same with his men's doubles partner too.  My business partner & I are practically extensions of each other's families, so if we finish work early to have a beer on the way home on Friday, there's nothing odd about it - heck, we already spent 8 hours alone together, what's a Friday beer?  I think it is all about being respectful to your own and to other people's relationships.  As a BS posted on another board, "We all owe something to each other as humans," and I completely agree with that.  But being respectful doesn't mean you have to shut people out of your lives.

I would think the unfaithful spouse needs to demonstrate strong boundaries in order to rebuild with the BS, and maybe the BS wants to do the same to show good-faith commitment and be supportive.  That's commendable.  However, treating *every* person of the opposite sex as a potential threat to your marriage means you are looking at them first as sexual beings before looking at them as human beings.  Not to veer too far off on a religious tangent, but my own beliefs are that we must see everyone through the eyes of God, and God does not look at people first as sexual beings.  I spend a few weekends a year at a monastery where the guests are not separated by sex - in the next room to me may be a man or a married couple.  At first this surprised me, but within a day I saw it as far more natural than segregation - to see each other as individuals, not as male or female.  Then again, I have a gay transgender kid so obviously I'm comfortable with ambiguity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 11:11am

I was thinking about my cousin Bob who's a middle aged married man w/ 3 grown kids.  We both started taking dance lessons separately and not knowing the other person was doing it.  Well his DW doesn't like dancing so he took the lessons w/ his DW's divorced friend and he will go out to swing dances on his own--I guess after 25+ yrs of marriage they just trust each other (or she trusts him) not to fool around.  Or maybe since he is in remission from stage IV prostate cancer, she feels like she's glad he's alive and should get a chance to have some fun (which I doubt very much includes having sex w/ other women).  They are religious people too so I can't see being religious (sincerely, not just for show) and having an affair.  I know people always roll their eyes at the fact that he goes alone but as you said it's like tennis or any other interest that one has and the other doesn't.  You know, either you trust your spouse or you don't.  If you have trust and you believe that your spouse won't cheat then they can go anywhere and be in the company of people of the opposite sex and you just assume that boundaries won't be crossed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 3:07pm

And your cousins DW must also have trusted her divorced friend enough to take dancing lessons with her husband. Still I see a potential for romantic feelings to develop with the dancing together regularly. However, him going out dancing with random women...Ah I'd keep an eye on that. 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 3:34pm

"However, him going out dancing with random women...Ah I'd keep an eye on that."

I'd consider that appropriate if a spouse had previously shown an inclination to stray.  And this is the BS Support Board, so that would make sense.  Of course there is always the "potential for romantic feelings to develop."  Those exist everywhere, especially in the workplace, but we don't all work at home out of fear of us, our spouses, and other people not being able to control themselves.  I mean, we're adults with impulse control.

If there's no reason to think a spouse is going to wander, I don't see why each shouldn't pursue activities that interest them without the other person, as long as the time spent on them is reasonable.  I wouldn't include hanging out at bars among those activities, but sports, swing/line dancing, etc. - they're *activities*.  Getting bent out of shape over an otherwise reasonable spouse's activities would be rather, I dunno, insecure.  Again, we're assuming the spouse hasn't strayed and hasn't given any indication of disrespect to his/her spouse.

My DH plays tennis 2-3 days a week, with men and women.  I go on retreat weekends a few times a year, also with men and women.  I suppose each of us could wonder about the other, but why??

You could take the attitude to the extreme and fuss over every late night worked and every business trip taken, but really, until a spouse proves unfaithful, you should trust them.  Otherwise, what is the point of being married, if you can never trust the other person to be who they say they are?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 11:26am

Obviously any couple has the right to and should establish their own boundries. Whatever works for two particular people, is fine. As long as both are happy with it. Some people are actually chaffing under the "rules" of their marriage, but do not say anything and just go along with it. I am sorry but there are no marriages made in heaven, They all have issues, and yours happens to have has a very big issue, an infidelity in the past. I couldn't live with a constant state of fear that my spouse was going to cheat on me. It would drive me up the wall. I'm not sure how you can truly respect someone that you need to keep a chain on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 9:58am

 

Every relationship is different, including every marriage and every affair.  You make some pretty broad generalizations in your comments.  I realize that this is a support board, but I don't see the point in taking out a brush and painting every unmarried woman who has an affair with a married man as co-dependent, broken, and having low self-esteem, and every MM who has an affair with a single woman as having low self-esteem and terrible coping skills.  There are a million reasons why any two people have any type of relationship.  Reducing all those people to a "type" may make you feel better, but it really doesn't take into account that humans are complicated things.

Absolutely 100% correct. I wholeheartedly agree,  having been both the cheater, and the cheated-on, several times in my life. Noone has any way of knowing why things happen in a r-ship and why any given couple chooses to deal with whatever happens in a certain way. Good people make bad decisions, and mistakes. MM who cheat(ed) aren't all evil, and neither are single OW. There are as many stories to every a as there are people....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 10:52am

This thread has seemed to have crossed over the line of "Betrayed Spouses Support" to a debate.  Perhaps the thread should be moved to the "All Sides of an Affair Board".  Where are the board guidelines that used to appear at the top of every board?  Please bring them back so posters know what is appropriate to post and where.  This thread is not 'supportive' to betrayed spouses.  

Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 07-29-2013 - 11:30am

What is your idea of support? Putting 'on paper' what the poster in question wants to hear?

If this is how support boards work then, imho and with all due respect, there really is no point to them.

This , to put it simply, is rather stupid, imho. Say, my h has an a. I post: 'how could he, the f-n b-d??' The others on the board post to say 'he so IS, you poor little thing, it wasn't your fault in the slightest'.

This is support?

Or say, I'm 30 stone and believe that I am very healthy and very beautiful, post about it and get responses saying 'oooh yeeess, absolutely, you so are', this too is support?

Hm.