Why in the world does the OW get mad at MM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Why in the world does the OW get mad at MM
23
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 10:05am

We have been rebuilding for five years and we are at a very good place. My DH is an amazing man and we now have a M made in heaven. It took me a very long time to figure out how in the world does any woman get involved with a MM when she knows he is M. I am 50 and while I still don't understand what makes a woman do this, I realize that some women don't care about M, have extremely low self esteem where they don't mind receiving crumbs from a MM and some are just narcisisitc who don't care about hurting other ppl as long as they get what they want. I read OW boards for years trying to understand the behavior of a woman who would stoop low enough to sleep with someone they know is M and finally I began to sympathize with some of them and understand that some women are just co-dependent and broken. This does not dismiss the fact that MM who cheat have low self esteem and terrible coping skills. Otherwise they would end their M and be single and sleep with whoever they want to without bringing their wives into a forced threesome. Anyway, one thing that I cannot understand for the life of me is why does the xow think that she is being "thrown under a bus" and get angry with the MM once he decides he no longer wants to be a cheater and liar and commits to his M? Why do they think that they were somehow done wrong? How does one get so self centered to allow themselves to be a third party in a M and then get angry when they are ejected from the MM's life? Why do they often say that the MM chose his W when the W was already chosen in the first place? This is a great mystery in my mind. How in the can they think that what they were doing with a MM is right, and what do they tell themselves while they are doing it. I remember looking at the Rielle Hunter interview where she called Elizabeth clueless and talked about the great love that she and Johnny share and SMDH wondering what planet is she from. Also, every post reads that it was the best s*x they ever had and that they are soul mates with the MM. Seriously??? My DH and I share a kind of intimacy that words can never describe because we know every inch of each other's bodies and have spent years studying each other both in and out of the bedroom.


OK, that is my rant for today. I guess I will never understand that level selfishness and denial.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 9:20am

Peaceyma, I totally agree with everything you wrote here. I agree that there would be no reason to go out with a married neighbor, just to hang out.  Much less should there be texting and phone calls with opposite-sex friends, unless you are making arrangements for something entirely above-board.  OTOH, if my DH is playing tennis with his mixed doubles partner and they stop for a beer on the way home, I don't care - he would do the same with his men's doubles partner too.  My business partner & I are practically extensions of each other's families, so if we finish work early to have a beer on the way home on Friday, there's nothing odd about it - heck, we already spent 8 hours alone together, what's a Friday beer?  I think it is all about being respectful to your own and to other people's relationships.  As a BS posted on another board, "We all owe something to each other as humans," and I completely agree with that.  But being respectful doesn't mean you have to shut people out of your lives.

I would think the unfaithful spouse needs to demonstrate strong boundaries in order to rebuild with the BS, and maybe the BS wants to do the same to show good-faith commitment and be supportive.  That's commendable.  However, treating *every* person of the opposite sex as a potential threat to your marriage means you are looking at them first as sexual beings before looking at them as human beings.  Not to veer too far off on a religious tangent, but my own beliefs are that we must see everyone through the eyes of God, and God does not look at people first as sexual beings.  I spend a few weekends a year at a monastery where the guests are not separated by sex - in the next room to me may be a man or a married couple.  At first this surprised me, but within a day I saw it as far more natural than segregation - to see each other as individuals, not as male or female.  Then again, I have a gay transgender kid so obviously I'm comfortable with ambiguity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 9:38pm

This sounds overly defensive to me and unrealistic--what does it mean that your "marriage is made in heaven?"  It sounds like you are trying to say it's perfect.  Every marriage has ups & downs--some more than others.  I think it would be more realistic to say that your DH cheated, that was a bad period, but both of you decided to stay together and maybe now you are closer than ever, etc.  I just think it's unbelievable to think that you never have problems in your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 9:29pm

I'm not directing this at anybody, but a betrayed spouse is obviously going to need the betrayer to have tighter boundaries around people of the opposite sex after an affair. That's to be expected in my opinion. Female "friend" is a broad term IMO. I consider my male married neighbor a friend cause we do talk and help each other out with things around the yard. But would I go out with him alone anywhere without his wife. Absolutely not. IMO there would be no reason for that. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
To you my boundaries might be extreme but it works for me and my DH. You are obviously an emotionally unstable person for even thinking that someone else is from one post. At first I decided not to respond to your post but you really need some clarity. And YES my DH is an amazing man and our M is made in Heaven.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 6:26pm

I agree "Being friends with a MM IMO is a no no in the first place"

mulitiple affairs brought to your marriage will do this to you

otherwise It would be ok until it is not

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 5:30pm

"Being friends with a MM IMO is a no no in the first place"

Sorry, but I disagree. I don't need to set such a physical boundary because I already have a boundary within myself. I trust myself to not cross the line, and I trust my dh as well. People can be friends with the opposite sex without feeling a romantic or sexual attraction, or without acting on such an attraction if it does develop.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 3:22pm

Your boundaries seem rather extreme to me - as though you're afraid to trust either yourself or any man who might be around you.  My impression is that most men are reasonably good at not throwing themselves at any woman who just happens to be standing there.  When you're 50, like you & me, we make it even easier, LOL.  There's no need to put on a virtual burqa as though you were some sort of irresistable temptation.  Your boundaries don't sound like an emotionally stable person, they sound like those of a fearful person.

Do you work outside the house?  If you do, I can't imagine you have gone through your whole life without having a private conversation with a MM.  I've been in male-dominated industries for my entire career, and I have spent many, many hours with only men.  I travel with men.  I have meetings with men.  Believe me, I could not provide for my family if I didn't.  I never give anyone the impression that I will tolerate any kind of inappropriate behavior, and I have not had to deal with any in 25 years.  I am even considered to be fairly attractive, but you can have an attitude that suggests that anyone who would cross the line is an idiot without having to say a word.

My business partner is my best friend and is a man.  We have been good friends for 12 years.  We spend 8+ hours a day together, have lunch out once or twice a week, have a Friday beer together, and travel together on business.  We talk about work, our children, and ourselves, but not our marriages - that's a given, off-limits topic because it would be disrespectful to our spouses.  Our spouses long ago made the decision to trust that our relationship is what we say it is.  I know other people may think differently, but as far as I'm concerned, the only people in the world whose opinion matters are my husband and my business partner's wife. 

I *have* a life with integrity, and my integrity is not defined by what other people are saying about me but by what really is.  Do I want to cause scandal to my DH?  Of course not.  But scandal is in the eye of the beholder, and the only beholders that matter are my spouse and God. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 3:22pm

I agree with some of the things already written. Yes of course it is wrong of those women to get involved with a MM, wrong in a million ways. As was said before, they often get lied to by the MM. Oh the mariage is terrible, oh we never have sex, oh she doesn't understand me like you do, oh I love you. Any and all of them, and more, can be lies. So you can see why they are truly hurt when the MM does not live up to the lies he has been telling them. I believe few if any of them go after a MM because he is married. It just happens to be they fall for a MM and.or are persued by one and fall for him.

Your observation about your brother, just because people are married for a long time does not mean they love each other. How many affairs begin in marriages where everyone from the outside thought they had a great marriage. You simply have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and behind the eyes of the people involved.

I believe any one can be friends with anyone. Married or not. It doesn't mean a MM and a MW who are friends should go out to the bar all night together clubbing, but they can be friends in other ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 2:42pm

I think the thought that married people can't be friends w/ opp. sex are extreme.  I think many people manage to have friends of the opp. sex w/o having affairs.  My friend and this guy had been friends for many years when they were married, her exH was friends with him, he is their doctor at times (orthopedic surgeon--talk about violating another boundary) so things had been going along normally before he confessed his feelings. I have a single boss who is my age and after I got divorced from my 1st DH, I had a little crush on him which I always knew was really more of a diversion and nothing ever happened although occasionally we'd go out to dinner or the movies--but we never did anything romantic, thankfully since I'm still working here.  so when I got married to 2nd DH, he knew that at one time I had liked my boss.  One time my boss decided that he'd take me out to a really nice restaurant for lunch--so I told my DH about it and he wasn't jealous at all--he said he knew nothing was going on when I told him about it.  If it was a secret, then he would be suspicious.  Feelings sometimes just develop whether you want them to or not--you can't control your feelings,  you can only control your actions.  I take dance lessons from a married couple, but they teach separately.  The wife said to me once that she knows that feelings can develop--after all, you're touching close, people are alone, etc., but she just trusts that her DH isn't going to do anything wrong.  But I know one of the other male dance teachers goes out regularly on weekends w/o his DW and dances with all different women--none of us would be surprised if he was a cheater, although who knows what is going on there?  I think that's a very odd thing to do--it's one thing to be giving a lesson, but another thing to be a married man alone in a club--we all know he's married but a stranger wouldn't know since he doesn't wear a wedding ring--he has a different kind of ring.

Oh and I don't think my friend's ex lover & his Dw stay together because they love each other.  I think they don't even like each other.  He talks very disparagingly about her to his office staff which must be interesting cause she now works there.  My friend thinks she has a mental illness and he's afraid that if he leaves her she'll commit suicide and the kids will blame him.  People stay together for all kinds of reasons and they might not have to do with love--they might be guilt, finances, emotional problems, maybe in the dance teacher example, he made some kind of arrangement with his DW that if she lets him go out & do his own thing, he wont' get a divorce--maybe they have an open marriage or just as long as you don't flaunt it in front of me, I won't ask you about it.

And in case you think I'm insensitive, my 1st exH did cheat on me--he was feeling depressed and thinking there were problems in the marriage, but instead of talking about it w/ me, that's the route he decided to take.  We ended up staying together for a while, but then ended up divorced anyway--and really nothing to do w/ the cheating.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

People tell themselves, and each other, all kinds of stories to make life appear the way they want to see it. 

For example, a month before my friend kicked out her husband for doing heroin and crack, she posted on FB that he was "the best dad ever."  My sister once wrote in her annual Christmas letter, "When I returned from Europe, DH and I had a joyful reunion" - when in fact she found that he had cut a hole in the roof, was stoned out of his mind, and had let his drug-addict friends move in while she was away for several months for her job.

There's not much difference between those stories and the classic lines men tell women:  "My wife and I never have sex, we stay together only for the children, I'll never see my family again if I leave her," and of course the classic, "You & I are soulmates, she is just the woman I married when I was too young to know better/ she trapped me with a pregnancy/ I didn't have any choice."  I'm pretty sure your husband told his x-AP a few lies of his own.  We make up stories so we don't have to be truthful about what really IS.

You tell your own story, too:  you consider your H "amazing" now, but I suspect he wasn't so amazing 5 years ago.  You may think that *now* you have a "marriage made in heaven," but your H didn't think that during this whole time.  And so on.  I'm not knocking it - we ALL tell the story of our lives the way we want to see it - but your story is just that - *your* story. 

Every relationship is different, including every marriage and every affair.  You make some pretty broad generalizations in your comments.  I realize that this is a support board, but I don't see the point in taking out a brush and painting every unmarried woman who has an affair with a married man as co-dependent, broken, and having low self-esteem, and every MM who has an affair with a single woman as having low self-esteem and terrible coping skills.  There are a million reasons why any two people have any type of relationship.  Reducing all those people to a "type" may make you feel better, but it really doesn't take into account that humans are complicated things.

Besides, what is tragic to you may be not much of a big deal to someone else.  As far as I know, I'm not a betrayed spouse, but in the several years before we were married, DH & I kept a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and for all I know he may still be following it (I doubt it, but who knows?).  I wouldn't end our marriage if I found out he was.  OTOH if he were doing drugs or gambling with my hard-earned money, he would be out the door in a heartbeat - because while fidelity to me with his body is preferable, what I really need most is a partner who is there for his family, and gambling/doing drugs makes it impossible for him to give his utmost to his *family*.

I am happy that you and your H were able to repair your marriage - I truly am.  However until you can let go of the attitude of "victory" over some pathetic woman, I think you're telling yourself as much of a story as anyone else.