Will I ever stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2013
Will I ever stop?
6
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 7:03pm

I am right at 3 months since D Day.  Although I had a feeling that something might be going on, I never really knew until one day when it was meant for me to find out.  My husband did not have the typical affair, if there is such a thing.  He met this girl half his age he worked with at her apartment on his lunch once a 4 to 6 weeks for a year.  He was always home at night, took our vacations as normal but we were definitely disconnected.  I threw myself into work and ignored the marriage as well.  We were premature empty nesters, middle age and this girl made him feel young again for 5 minutes and then guilty.  She is your typical gold digger looking for a sugar daddy.  I am not saying this out of anger or jealousy but because there are facts.  She was fired from her last job for the same thing.  She uses men all the time and my husband was another easy target.  After, I found out which was because I went to our cell account to put in my employee discount code and saw some unusual activity to which he immediately confessed, she tried to blackmail and extort money from him.  She asked for $100 a week to go away quietly, etc...  He has not had any contact with her since and she was fired (she told coworkers she resigned) from their place of employment.  He is so relieved it is over and out in the open that it almost pisses me off.  My pain was so intense that I still cannot believe how bad something like this can hurt.  I never expected this from him either.  It is so out of character.

My problem is that I thought for sure that I could get over it.  When he first told me, he told me that he would answer all questions honestly and some I wish he had not but when you first gain the knowledge, you want to know some details.  It has been three months and I am much better.  I make it through days without crying.  I am back to eating normally.  I feel better at work.  I am a supervisor and this whole summer I felt like I was just existing.  Thank goodness my business was slow this summer and my employees were sympathetic and helpful. 

When will I stop thinking about it?  I am going to end up pushing him away.  I will go days without mentioning it and then BOOM!  something will trigger a memory about a time he said this or did that and I am remembering the betrayal.  This happened to us this morning after several great days in a row where I feel like we are falling back in love with each other.  I freaked out over something so small but it debilitated me and I called off work.  This was only the second time I have called in since I found out June 12th.

We have only done some on-line, self help counseling.  It was helpful but he is not interested in going to a local counselor.  This self help reading has even gotten less for me as I feel better so this is why I am here.  I need to know from those who are with their spouses and all parties are on board to make their marriage even better how do you stop remembering or having affair images?  I do not want to push him away but I do not know if I can do this anymore. 

By the way, D day was one month before our 13th wedding anniversary.  This is a second marriage for both and he raised my girls.  I am 5 hours away from my hometown and have built a life here. 

Thanks for listening.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 09-13-2013 - 2:27pm

Hi RN, I don't have much to offer you, but wanted to say you are welcome here.  I hope someone else with better advice will chime in.  Because I think you already know that to move on, you will have to learn to let go.  You can't tell your DH that everything is okay, and bring out the Affair stick at your choosing and beat him with it.  You are very, very wise to see this now. 

(((((((hugs)))))))))

Serenity CL making a second marrige work

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/love-marriage/making-second-marriage-work

 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 9:48am

this kind of betrayal can take years to process

it certainly has for me

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Tue, 09-17-2013 - 3:38am

One of the problems you are facing is that he has had a lot of time to deconstruct his actions, his fears and what he did. You on the other hand are just facing it now. For him, he's relieved that he’s told you and he’s a lot farther along in the healing process. He’s looking to you for forgiveness not understanding why it is taking so long; you are looking at him wondering why he’s not sharing in your pain.

He is also attempting to avoid pain, and the shame associated with his actions. You’re wanting him to go back to square one in all that. This is really tricky stuff. I used up all my paid leave over just a few months because like you. Something would happen and I couldn’t just sit at work and plod along. I had to go home where she was and stand in front of her.

There is this phrase that in time I found to be just so true. “Feelings buried alive never die.” I had deep scaring over several trigger issues. One was my spouse’s hometown where the affair took place. I told my in-laws that we would not be going there anymore. The very thought of that town sent me crashing. In time, and with the advice from people on this list, I arraigned for my spouse and I to pack up our mountain bikes and we drove to her town and went biking in the canyon near her folks home. I cried most of the way down there. Once we got the bikes out at the trail the other man showed her. She and I did his trail making it our own. She had a flat tire and we struggled to repair it but that was part of our adventure pulling together to fix it. When we finished the trail we took the bikes to her folks home and had them take us back to our vehicle. She and I walked around her town. I allowed the hurt of what happened there wash over me. I accepted the pain, and I took that town back for myself. I did have good memories there.

Once I allowed myself to fully feel those emotions and accept them, something like that town didn’t hold the hurt for me like it did.

One other thing I had to learn to do was to stop throwing the affair in my spouses face. Instead of randomly just going off about what she did. We would set an appointment for when we would talk about “things.” This let my spouse know that I wasn’t going to just going to go off at any moment and she could prepare for our meetings and knew she would be expected to show up emotionally ready for a hard discussion. On the other hand, we agreed that I could call her and let her know I was having a panic attack, and that I didn’t expect a hard conversation, I just needed assurance that she was where she said she was and that I needed some kindnes. 

This was a good plan that allowed us to look after each other in this hard time. 

Just some thoughts.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.  

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sun, 10-13-2013 - 12:09am

You're being much too tough on yourself, give yourself a break here.  They pretty much break your heart when they cheat, physically or emotionally.  What was believed to belong to you and you alone was given to someone else, apparently with no thought it was going to tear you apart.  Three months?  That's a drop in the bucket.  Maybe some can make progress in that short a time, but usually you're still bleeding.  Yep, there seem to be triggers everywhere, they pop up out of thin air too often, and then we kick ourselves simply for reacting to them.  That he's not interested in going to a face to face therapist?  Well, who is?  He needs to put on his big boy panties and just do it, we all have times where there are things we really, really, really do not want to do, but have to.  On-line counseling?  Never did it, but think about it.  There who's observing your body language, your eye movement, whether you are holding hands, crying, looking guilty, having feelings?  Nobody.  A big part of real counseling is just that - a pro observing you together.  If he won't go, go alone, he'll likely start to be concerned exactly what you're talking about, or maybe he'll realize you're working harder than he is - whatever it takes to get him there, it just does.  I think and hope you can stop obsessing like you're doing (still do it myself sometimes after years) by getting solid feedback from someone who deals with couples in turmoil and has learned what usually works and what doesn't.  Lots are scared of counseling, bet the bank he is. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 10-14-2013 - 1:16am

He won't go to counseling, not unusual.  Men don't like to have to talk!  There's no reason you can't go alone.......to deal with your own issues.  You are in charge of your thoughts and memories, and if you throw yourself into working on your marriage (happiness) you won't have time to think about what happened.  He screwed up.  It happens.  He regrets it, as he should.  But he doesn't have to be punished for it forever.  Yesterday is over.  You can't change it.  Like any other mistake, you need to learn from it, and move forward.  If you can't on your own, then get some counseling for yourself.  A counselor might even ask for him to come in once or twice to help YOU........and he'd be more willing to do that.  The past is history, the future is mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the "present".  Put it in the past, and move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 10-24-2013 - 11:45pm

Make an appointment today for individual counseling.  If he doesn't want to go, it doesn't mean you shouldn't.  It will give you a sense of empowerment and control.  And hopefully counseling will help you gain the clarity that will lead you toward your own successful destiny.