Wish I had left then

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wish I had left then
10
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 1:09am

I'm posting this because I want it to help someone else.

5 years and 2 months ago my husband came home and told me that the had something to tell me and that I was going to hate him. The he started shaking and wouldn't say any thing more. What?! I said over and over then I said "did you cheat on me?" I asked and he nodded yes. When? I asked, thinking that it was a fling. Then he started saying "well, two years ago..." I stared to hyperventilate. Two years ago was right before I got pregnant. The reality of what he was telling me made me almost pass out. The affair started right as I became pregnant, continued through my pregnancy and for the first year of dd's life.

All of he lies and he mind-f***s. I had been so upset at what I had perceived as his lack of interest in being a father when dd was 2 months old, his lack of support and the "business trips" that seemed unnecessary but he had made me feel as if I was creating something out of nothing and that I was picking on him so he convinced me that I needed help and I stopped breastfeeding so that I could take medication for "my" problems. But I was right about everything.

In those first few days realizations would come over me like a wave hitting me in the ocean. The "business trip she had to go on when dd was 3 weeks old? A get away with her. When he had to take a call right after we found out we were having a girl? Her. The person that kept calling? And on and on.

Then we went to therapy. I was completely isolated because we had moved for his career and I had to give ip my career and all of my friends were on the opposite coast. I had a 13 month old daughter and was completely dependent on this man. Therapy was just more abuse that I willingly took part in. I went into it with the whole idea that it takes two to make problems in a marriage. Then, the entire focus was on me. He played the victim and they bought it and continued to buy it for the past 5 years.

Since this happened I gained 50 pounds despite constant dieting. 3 endocrinologists have told me that I am having an extreme stress reaction. I am lower than low and he has continues to act like a childish selfish aholl for 5 years. He ALWAYS plays the victim and, I guess, I must have enabled him by staying with him.

I don't know when this idea that the person who is cheated on is as much to blame as then cheater but I finally see it as the same thing as saying that a drunk girl in a short skirt is to be blamed for being raped. It is bs.

I wish I had left him when I learned about the affair. I wish I had taken my dd, moved back to NY city and gotten on with my life. Now dd is attached and has friends here and would be devastated if I moved.

This is my advice: Lying is always part of the affair and I do beleve some affairs are survivable. However, if he made you feel you were crazy, made you feel like you were a bad person, was sorry "but" (my stbx told me he decided to go away with his girlfriend three weeks after dd was born bc I wouldn't give him o-sex in the days after I delivered) HE WILL CONTINUE TO DO THIS TO YOU IN OTHER AREAS OF YOUR LIFE. The torture will continue.
Please, learn from my example. Leave sooner rather than later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 12:42pm
I can totally relate, I stuck it out 4 years after his infidelities and ended up totally used financially & emotionally
he is just selfish to the core
I do have to say you need a new counselor BADLY this one is full of crap to pin it on you and let him slide - what hell you have been through in those sessions I can only imagine
You should get out your dd can find happiness again and you ALL deserve to be happy
Peace & Strength to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 11:53am

It's never too late new12004! You can leave this abuse and begin a wonderful new chapter of your life for yourself and your daughter.

Hugs, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 7:20pm

I agree!

Stop right now and take a huge breath!

You need more than worrying about a five yo who might miss her friends to stay where you are if you are so isolated out west!

YOU have GOT to take charge of your future!!!!

Don't put yourself last another second! You are so used to being victimized by the people who were supposed to LOVE, HONOR, and CHERISH YOU that you are lying on the ground by your front door wondering why you feel like a doormat!!!

So dry your eyes and figure out what YOU need! Your children will be miserable if YOU are miserable and you sound miserable!!! Do you also want to show a young daughter that when she grows up she can look forward to never putting her needs first!?!

What do you want/need/hope for out of these ashes! Rebuild a life that includes you fulfilled and happy and you will be doing the most important thing a mother can do for her daughters!!!

Be brave! You are stronger than you think! Get a new counselor and take baby steps, but take them to start taking back your life!!!

Hugs,
Imommy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 11:58pm
You are right. The problem is that I don't know what I want anymore. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2008
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:53am
I have a suggestion
How about a new counselor? find one that makes some sense and that will lead the way
Peace & Strength to you new
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 7:47am

New,

I agree with Goddess, your first step is to find a individual counselor whose only job is your wellbeing. You haven't had anyone in your life for a while with that role or intention. You are in shock and in a terrible fog and that is normal! You aren't weak at all! I think there is a PTSD that occurs when all of this misery hits and if your marriage fails afterwards, even if it is a few years later, the fog rolls back in.

I am trying to get thru each day and the fog seems to lift and then there it is again. I doubt everything I do all the time, which leads to stress/indecisiveness/low esteem/frustration! What a miserable place to be, but I love the saying 'when in hell, just keep walking!'.

Tell yourself you will find a therapist today AND schedule an appt.

Hugs and prayers for strength,
Imommy

PS Do you think you might be depressed? You may also need to see your primary care provider.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 8:10pm

HI there, havent been here in

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 11:47pm

Not knowing what you want?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 10:39am
Big ((HUGS)) to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 3:44pm
I agree that's the right choice now.