Wish I wasn't here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2009
Wish I wasn't here...
10
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 8:56pm

Five weeks ago, on Easter Sunday, my husband confessed that he had an affair with a woman that he works with. We have been together for over 14 years and have 3 children. The affair lasted just under a month. He had sex with her twice, but then was so consumed with guilt that he told me what was going on. The past 5 weeks have been torture for me. Before the affair, I trusted him completely. I never, ever thought that he was capable of doing this. He feels terrible about what he did and is willing to do whatever it takes to make this right. He has cut off all contact with the other woman and we have started seeing a counselor. I was reading through this message board and it's comforting to know that everything I'm feeling is normal in this situation. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes I'm sad, then angry, then confused. I feel a strong urge to get in contact with the other woman so that I can tell her exactly what I think about her. Our marriage counselor has advised against that for now. I just can't get the images of them together out of my head. I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel so empty and helpless. I know that he loves me and I love him, but I just can't figure out how to get these thoughts out of my head. I just can't believe that he risked everything. He's been dealing with some psychological issues over the past year, and unfortunately, I wasn't there for him. I feel like I drove him to this. I understand WHY he did this, but I just don't understand how he could have done this, knowing that it would hurt me so badly. He tells me that it didn't have anything to do with the way he feels about me and that he never intended to leave me for her. His emotional needs weren't being met, and the other woman saw how needy he was and she swooped right in on him.

I know that I need to take it one day at a time. It just hurts so deeply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 9:58pm

Well after my husband told me about his affair. I felt horrible. We were talking about getting a divorce last yr while he was stationed in Korea. We had deep trust issues, I didn't think I could trust him at all. So I gave up and met someone else. I told my husband about the person and we both agreed to end things. Yet after realigning our friendship we in some ways redefined our relationship. After he got back from Korea......he decided it was time to show me I could trust him so he came clean about the affair he had two yrs ago while on a mission to another country in South America. My first thoughts were......why didn't you tell me this when we were talking about the divorce? Then I was like how could you do that with her and myself within the same week and in front of everyone? In my case I really had to step outside myself and look at the relationship. From the point of view of someone who had been where he was...I knew that nobody was cheat proof. I recall the many times I would tell people oh I would never have another relationship while I was married. Even though we were talking about divorce and my spouse knew it was still wrong. So, there came the subject of forgiveness.


He would ask me why can't you love me enough to forgive me as I forgave you? I was like how did you do it? He was like everytime it came to his mind he prayed to God that the images would go away. Now the reason I am telling you this is because your spouse loved you enough to tell you the truth. Will it bother you still? Yes. You will be depressed, sad, mad, and even try to figure out what was it about her that he liked so much that he would cheat. When a person cheats it isn't about you. It is about them and their insecurities. If you really want to repair your marriage you need to leave her out of it. If she were that important to him then he would have ended his marriage and left you. Instead of that he came to you and told you in not so many ways, that he messed up and he wants to fix things.


You are lucky, because from what I have learned and know to be true. People only tell you about it when they are sorry, and are really wanting to fix things with their spouse. Your marriage can be stronger than ever, but you will have to endure the pain in the next few months. I really do believe that anyone can give into temptation.....but people do learn from it. If someone is truly sorry they will change. My first battle was my husband's addiction to porn, then strip clubs, then my affair, and then his. We learned that marriage is not always easy. We also learned that no matter what we love each other so much. The OW is not your number one priority right now. Your marriage is, and there is nothing that she can tell you that will help you rebuild.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 11:39pm
When people get into an affair they are only thinking of themselves. They are not thinking ahead to how bad their spouse will be hurt when or if they find out. Most of them go into it without even thinking about the fact that their spouse could find out and therefore do not even think of the future consequences that could come out of this.
This may not seem comforting but it is actually a good thing that he came to you and told you about it because he felt so bad about it. That is a very rare thing because I'd say 98% of people who have affairs won't admit to it unless they get caught. The fact that he told you says a lot about his level of honesty. I'd say he is a real good man that made a terrible mistake. Men are like babies when it comes to needing attention and emotional support. If thy don't get what they need at home they will often be very vulnerable to the attention of another women who they feel is being more emotionally supportive of them. Especially if they are insecure about themselves, which a lot of men are. Just keep in mind that his affair had a lot more to do with HIS INSECURITIES than it had to do with you. It still hurts like hell but keeping that in mind may help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 12:51am
I don't believe mine got physical with either of the two women I KNOW about, but I had nightmares of him having out of control, frenzied sex with a faceless woman, who was faceless simply because I had no clue what she looked like.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 7:57am
Don't put the blame on yourself - your H was dealing with issues within himself and chose an inappropriate way to medicate himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2009
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 10:16am

I can't even begin to say thank you to everyone that has already replied to my post. For 5 weeks now, I have felt like nobody understands what I'm going through. One of you said that it sounds like my husband is a good guy, but one that made a big mistake. I believe that to be true which is why I'm willing to work on our marriage.

I've decided not to contact the OW right now. I totally understand what you've all said about her, that she doesn't really care what I have to say anyway. From what my husband tells me, she's dated married men before. Nothing that I can say will change her or effect her in any way. So, I'm not going to stoop to that level.

So...thank you for all of your help so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 4:04pm
Well, that just backs up everything - knowing she's done this before.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 5:23pm
The fact that she's dated other married men does not surprise me at all. Many times when your H has an affair with a woman at the office they later find out that she is basically the office whore who has also made her way around the office with other married men. So you are right in that she is not worth any of your words or time and that nothing you say to her will change her moral values. They apparently have no respect for themselves and therefore you can't expect them to have any respect for you or your family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2008
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 5:36pm
What do you mean you understand WHY he did this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 12:48pm

Your H loves you enough to come clean with you and try everything to make it better.

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 6:38pm
Let me explain what I meant that I understand "why" he did it. For the past 2 years or so, we've been disconnected. Lots of things have happened in our lives (deaths, babies being born, etc) and neither of us were there for the other one. We were so wrapped up in ourselves that we forgot about each other. My husband is EXTREMELY needy and requires a lot of attention and affection. I wasn't giving him any of that. He was dealing with some depression and anxiety problems. He is a weak person and is easily manipulated by people. So basically, I wasn't meeting his needs (nor was he meeting mine) so when someone else came along who pretended to actually care about him, he ate it up. I'm not saying all of this to give him an excuse. There's NO excuse for what he did and he knows that. So although I feel that I understand "why" it happened, I'm not sure "how" he was actually able to go through with it...if that makes any sense at all. The OW has continued to try to contact him, making pathetic excuses to see him. She threatened to kill herself, etc. My husband has realized that she's a liar and that she's no good for him so he hasn't responded to her. We're seeing a marriage counselor and I really think that we can repair this. It hurts so badly though when I think about them together. I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm hoping that with time, it will get better.