would you stay with a cheating H ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
would you stay with a cheating H ?
5
Sat, 04-11-2009 - 8:43pm

I found out 3 weeks ago that my H has been in a relationship with another woman.


H and I seperated when my son was just 1 month old.


I kicked him out of our house when I wasn't too sure of his commitment to me.


I spent the entire seperation pushing him away thinking it would make him fight harder to be with me.


He ended up getting his own apartment.


In October he posted pictures of him and another woman on his myspace. I've been asking him about this woman since then but he said they were friends - never kissed - she's never slept at his place.


I found out from the OW herself they were "together" since that weekend. Thats when they 1st had sex. Infact - they eventually even stopped using condoms.


Although I tried hardest to push DH away I was still sleeping with him too. I moved out of state and the weeks prior to my move DH was expressing wanting to move with my son and I and working on our marriage and having another baby.


I wanted to get back together, I do want to have another baby with my husband. I loved my husband so much.


But to find out he could live such a lie for 5 mos - a relationship with another W. He did with her what he does with me. And talked about me...."he said you didn't cook". He got her balloons on valentines day like he did for me. And SHE says he told her he loved her. He denies.


I was calling DH a lot lately back home and I am the one who brings it up. He's not crying his eyes out - doesn't seem like he is loosing sleep. I missed a week of work. He calls daily to talk to the baby, it hurts him that he is not with his baby. I've backed off on calling him and tonight he sends me a text about counseling to become a stronger family. I am so confused.


what I do know if I feel like I need to make love to someone else to figure this all out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 1:09am

I know you wil get lost of sage advice from others who have been here much longer than I, but I will say that I would try to stay with an S who cheater.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 7:41am
If he is expressing an interest in counseling, then I would try again. BUT.. there are rules he has to live by. Bring these up in counseling- no contact at all w/OW and being completely transparent. He is in the fog of the affair and it will take a while until he gets it. If you start to see changes for the better ,then the M might work out. He will need individual counseling(no negotiating on this ) to figure out what is missing inside himself to make him do this. Remember, you have to be the one to call the shots,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 8:25am
TAke it from someone who has been there 3 times. DO NOT have ANOTHER baby with this man! He has shown you he is not responsible enough to be a husband, never mind a father. First get your marriage in order THEN CONSIDER another child! ANd only oif he PROVES to you that he is ADULT enough to handle marriage and parenthood.
I know this sounds harsh but I have been there 3 times and it's hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 10:46am

It may clear up a little bit of your confusion if you take a peek at the 180 List. In it you'll see that it's beneficial for you to pull back and call you H less. Sometimes they need to see that we can live without them and then they actually come crawling back.


My H cheated and I found out at about the same time that you found out. I wish I had the strength to use the 180 List everyday. I guess since it's still early I slip into a needy/sad W some days and other days I'm strong.


Now, to answer your question: No, I would not stay with a cheating H. I would stay with a H who cheated. In other words, I would stay with him if he cheated and stopped. If he continues to cheat and refuses to give up the OW I would not stay. (I insisted on NC- and my H seems to be honoring my request.)


It sounds like your H is trying to fix things. Offering to go to MC is a big step. Many of us have to beg for our WS to go to C. He seems to be taking a positive step towards rebuilding.


Also, don't turn to another man to try to figure things out. I know you're hurt. All of us know how it feels. I think it would be a mistake to go to another man. There are many times I've wished I could hurt my H the way he hurt me. I think that would hurt him but it would also not be a positive step in the direction that I want my life to take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-13-2009 - 7:30pm
Please don't bring another child into this mess.