Yeah D-day came and went and I forgot it was D-Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Yeah D-day came and went and I forgot it was D-Day
13
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 12:42am

D-day was Jan. 5, 2011.  However, I kept thinking it was Jan. 4th, for whatever reason. (How do I get that wrong, is beyond me.) Anyways, I wrote the date Jan. 5th and thought damn, I didn't think about it yesterday and it was d-day!  That is progress, huh! It wasn't even until I typed this message out that I remembered D-Day was the 5th!  I am still taking it as a sign of progress, because I know that means I went at least one entire day without thinking about that damn date! Amazing what a couple years can do. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes a lifetime ago. But for those of you going through it, I can safely say that time takes a lot of the gut wrenching pain away.  I still think about the A and AP alot more than I should, but it is easier now to change my train of thought.

As for an update... we (meaning I) still have some down days, but they are fewer. I would love to say we are closer than ever and happily in love again. I can't, but I can say we are better.  I think my h has learned a lot over the last couple of years that addictions can transfer from one thing to another including to people. And just like other addictions addiction to a person can be just as horrible. It has been a year since he had to feed that monster. (Short flirtation thing I found last January). He seems to have refocused and while he still has some down days, I do believe he is on an upswing emotionally.

I have grown a lot stronger.  In some ways that is good, in others not so much.  i no longer hold my tounge and tell him what he wants to hear.  Sometimes he likes that sometimes he doesn't. I really no longer care if he doesn't like what I say or believe. That was killed a couple years ago. He has kinda gone into a zone of never talking about it and from his perspective I guess it really isn't something he wants to revisit because he sure isn't proud of it.  ANother thing I have noticed about me is that I am no longer sentimental. After 15 years of marriage our dining room table chairs were shot, but I refused to get rid of the table because it was the first thing we bought together.  So, I bought cheap replacements to get through a few more years.  Here we are 5 years later and I can say I no longer give a rat's behind about that table and am ready to replace it. I no longer wear a wedding ring, and I no longer have every card and letter he sent me.  Those are long gone.  I kind of reached a place where I buried our old married life and am trying to adjust to the new one. Some days that new one is pretty solid other times I wonder how he could do the things he did to make me have to live in this new one.

I want my marriage to work and on a certain level, I guess it does.  We are much more like friends now in my mind than what we were before. Before the A it was he and I forever and I was positive about our marriage being the real deal.  Now, I know we are good partners as parents and as friends.  Maybe one day we will grow closer to what I remember being, but in the mean time what we have is not painful and is actually what I would describe as comfortable. So, that is good enough for now because one thing the A taught me for now is really what matters. I know I sound sad, but I am not.  I have reached a place of contentment and after the battles of the last 4 years I am ok with content.

Hugs and strength to all who continue to heal from the ultimate of betrayals.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007

Good for you!  I can't imagine being able to forget DDay in just two years.  That's a good sign.  For me, I re-lived every painful detail.  It was easy the first year even though the days of the week didn't match up exactly.  I just concluded which ones were the "real" days and adjusted my thinking accordingly.  The next year was a little harder though.  I had a leap year to contend with and that threw everything off a bit, but somehow I still managed to figure out which days were "real" and which ones coincided with the actual calendar.  Still no problem.  By the next year though I had a major dilema.  The days on the calendar weren't even close to the days of the week anymore.  I finally gave up on that ritual because it just became too damn hard!  Eventually, so much time had passed that the days started to line up again.  But by this time I had lost interest in the game.  Thank God!  What a ride!

Nothing has any meaning save the meaning I give it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2013

I'm sorry I'm late to this conversation... I just joined the board and have found a lot of comfort in reading other's stories, and seeing my thoughts put into words that I just can't seem to find.  But this thread makes me so sad, and a little hopeless.  Is this what I have to look forward to?  A content marriage?  I'm still in the phase where I'm trying to decide fight of flight.  I'm not wearing my ring- it's too painfull.  But I guess I assumed things would get better and I would care about that stuff again.  I don't believe in fairy tale love, but I at least want to be happy with my husband... not just content.  Not just friends.  Is anyone happy again?  Is there ever any joy that isn't tainted?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
Thank you for posting this. My 1 year D-Day is March 28, 2013. I don't know if I am dreading it or excited that I have made it one year and I am a stronger person. Your posts are inspiring me. Thank you.

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