Yeah D-day came and went and I forgot it was D-Day
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|Mon, 01-07-2013 - 12:42am|
D-day was Jan. 5, 2011. However, I kept thinking it was Jan. 4th, for whatever reason. (How do I get that wrong, is beyond me.) Anyways, I wrote the date Jan. 5th and thought damn, I didn't think about it yesterday and it was d-day! That is progress, huh! It wasn't even until I typed this message out that I remembered D-Day was the 5th! I am still taking it as a sign of progress, because I know that means I went at least one entire day without thinking about that damn date! Amazing what a couple years can do. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes a lifetime ago. But for those of you going through it, I can safely say that time takes a lot of the gut wrenching pain away. I still think about the A and AP alot more than I should, but it is easier now to change my train of thought.
As for an update... we (meaning I) still have some down days, but they are fewer. I would love to say we are closer than ever and happily in love again. I can't, but I can say we are better. I think my h has learned a lot over the last couple of years that addictions can transfer from one thing to another including to people. And just like other addictions addiction to a person can be just as horrible. It has been a year since he had to feed that monster. (Short flirtation thing I found last January). He seems to have refocused and while he still has some down days, I do believe he is on an upswing emotionally.
I have grown a lot stronger. In some ways that is good, in others not so much. i no longer hold my tounge and tell him what he wants to hear. Sometimes he likes that sometimes he doesn't. I really no longer care if he doesn't like what I say or believe. That was killed a couple years ago. He has kinda gone into a zone of never talking about it and from his perspective I guess it really isn't something he wants to revisit because he sure isn't proud of it. ANother thing I have noticed about me is that I am no longer sentimental. After 15 years of marriage our dining room table chairs were shot, but I refused to get rid of the table because it was the first thing we bought together. So, I bought cheap replacements to get through a few more years. Here we are 5 years later and I can say I no longer give a rat's behind about that table and am ready to replace it. I no longer wear a wedding ring, and I no longer have every card and letter he sent me. Those are long gone. I kind of reached a place where I buried our old married life and am trying to adjust to the new one. Some days that new one is pretty solid other times I wonder how he could do the things he did to make me have to live in this new one.
I want my marriage to work and on a certain level, I guess it does. We are much more like friends now in my mind than what we were before. Before the A it was he and I forever and I was positive about our marriage being the real deal. Now, I know we are good partners as parents and as friends. Maybe one day we will grow closer to what I remember being, but in the mean time what we have is not painful and is actually what I would describe as comfortable. So, that is good enough for now because one thing the A taught me for now is really what matters. I know I sound sad, but I am not. I have reached a place of contentment and after the battles of the last 4 years I am ok with content.
Hugs and strength to all who continue to heal from the ultimate of betrayals.