Yeah D-day came and went and I forgot it was D-Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Yeah D-day came and went and I forgot it was D-Day
13
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 12:42am

D-day was Jan. 5, 2011.  However, I kept thinking it was Jan. 4th, for whatever reason. (How do I get that wrong, is beyond me.) Anyways, I wrote the date Jan. 5th and thought damn, I didn't think about it yesterday and it was d-day!  That is progress, huh! It wasn't even until I typed this message out that I remembered D-Day was the 5th!  I am still taking it as a sign of progress, because I know that means I went at least one entire day without thinking about that damn date! Amazing what a couple years can do. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes a lifetime ago. But for those of you going through it, I can safely say that time takes a lot of the gut wrenching pain away.  I still think about the A and AP alot more than I should, but it is easier now to change my train of thought.

As for an update... we (meaning I) still have some down days, but they are fewer. I would love to say we are closer than ever and happily in love again. I can't, but I can say we are better.  I think my h has learned a lot over the last couple of years that addictions can transfer from one thing to another including to people. And just like other addictions addiction to a person can be just as horrible. It has been a year since he had to feed that monster. (Short flirtation thing I found last January). He seems to have refocused and while he still has some down days, I do believe he is on an upswing emotionally.

I have grown a lot stronger.  In some ways that is good, in others not so much.  i no longer hold my tounge and tell him what he wants to hear.  Sometimes he likes that sometimes he doesn't. I really no longer care if he doesn't like what I say or believe. That was killed a couple years ago. He has kinda gone into a zone of never talking about it and from his perspective I guess it really isn't something he wants to revisit because he sure isn't proud of it.  ANother thing I have noticed about me is that I am no longer sentimental. After 15 years of marriage our dining room table chairs were shot, but I refused to get rid of the table because it was the first thing we bought together.  So, I bought cheap replacements to get through a few more years.  Here we are 5 years later and I can say I no longer give a rat's behind about that table and am ready to replace it. I no longer wear a wedding ring, and I no longer have every card and letter he sent me.  Those are long gone.  I kind of reached a place where I buried our old married life and am trying to adjust to the new one. Some days that new one is pretty solid other times I wonder how he could do the things he did to make me have to live in this new one.

I want my marriage to work and on a certain level, I guess it does.  We are much more like friends now in my mind than what we were before. Before the A it was he and I forever and I was positive about our marriage being the real deal.  Now, I know we are good partners as parents and as friends.  Maybe one day we will grow closer to what I remember being, but in the mean time what we have is not painful and is actually what I would describe as comfortable. So, that is good enough for now because one thing the A taught me for now is really what matters. I know I sound sad, but I am not.  I have reached a place of contentment and after the battles of the last 4 years I am ok with content.

Hugs and strength to all who continue to heal from the ultimate of betrayals.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
You know Elmos mom, content is not bad. It's exactly how I've described my marriage to others in conversation. Considering we have a 50 % divorce rate these days, what is "happily married" anyhow? Most people I know (myself included) have several things they'd like to change about about their spouse (even if he didn't have an A) that don't make them very happy. I think if more people would settle for content and stop searching for some grand state of happiness from their marriage, we'd have a lot lower divorce rate. The honeymoon always ends, and when it does and reality sets it, a lot of couples are disallusioned with marriage and think their no longer happy and want to jump ship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
You know Elmos mom, content is not bad. It's exactly how I've described my marriage to others in conversation. Considering we have a 50 % divorce rate these days, what is "happily married" anyhow? Most people I know (myself included) have several things they'd like to change about about their spouse (even if he didn't have an A) that don't make them very happy. I think if more people would settle for content and stop searching for some grand state of happiness from their marriage, we'd have a lot lower divorce rate. The honeymoon always ends, and when it does and reality sets it, a lot of couples are disallusioned with marriage and think their no longer happy and want to jump ship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
You know Elmos mom, content is not bad. It's exactly how I've described my marriage to others in conversation. Considering we have a 50 % divorce rate these days, what is "happily married" anyhow? Most people I know (myself included) have several things they'd like to change about about their spouse (even if he didn't have an A) that don't make them very happy. I think if more people would settle for content and stop searching for some grand state of happiness from their marriage, we'd have a lot lower divorce rate. The honeymoon always ends, and when it does and reality sets it, a lot of couples are disallusioned with marriage and think their no longer happy and want to jump ship.

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