Yeah D-day came and went and I forgot it was D-Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
Yeah D-day came and went and I forgot it was D-Day
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Mon, 01-07-2013 - 12:42am

D-day was Jan. 5, 2011.  However, I kept thinking it was Jan. 4th, for whatever reason. (How do I get that wrong, is beyond me.) Anyways, I wrote the date Jan. 5th and thought damn, I didn't think about it yesterday and it was d-day!  That is progress, huh! It wasn't even until I typed this message out that I remembered D-Day was the 5th!  I am still taking it as a sign of progress, because I know that means I went at least one entire day without thinking about that damn date! Amazing what a couple years can do. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes a lifetime ago. But for those of you going through it, I can safely say that time takes a lot of the gut wrenching pain away.  I still think about the A and AP alot more than I should, but it is easier now to change my train of thought.

As for an update... we (meaning I) still have some down days, but they are fewer. I would love to say we are closer than ever and happily in love again. I can't, but I can say we are better.  I think my h has learned a lot over the last couple of years that addictions can transfer from one thing to another including to people. And just like other addictions addiction to a person can be just as horrible. It has been a year since he had to feed that monster. (Short flirtation thing I found last January). He seems to have refocused and while he still has some down days, I do believe he is on an upswing emotionally.

I have grown a lot stronger.  In some ways that is good, in others not so much.  i no longer hold my tounge and tell him what he wants to hear.  Sometimes he likes that sometimes he doesn't. I really no longer care if he doesn't like what I say or believe. That was killed a couple years ago. He has kinda gone into a zone of never talking about it and from his perspective I guess it really isn't something he wants to revisit because he sure isn't proud of it.  ANother thing I have noticed about me is that I am no longer sentimental. After 15 years of marriage our dining room table chairs were shot, but I refused to get rid of the table because it was the first thing we bought together.  So, I bought cheap replacements to get through a few more years.  Here we are 5 years later and I can say I no longer give a rat's behind about that table and am ready to replace it. I no longer wear a wedding ring, and I no longer have every card and letter he sent me.  Those are long gone.  I kind of reached a place where I buried our old married life and am trying to adjust to the new one. Some days that new one is pretty solid other times I wonder how he could do the things he did to make me have to live in this new one.

I want my marriage to work and on a certain level, I guess it does.  We are much more like friends now in my mind than what we were before. Before the A it was he and I forever and I was positive about our marriage being the real deal.  Now, I know we are good partners as parents and as friends.  Maybe one day we will grow closer to what I remember being, but in the mean time what we have is not painful and is actually what I would describe as comfortable. So, that is good enough for now because one thing the A taught me for now is really what matters. I know I sound sad, but I am not.  I have reached a place of contentment and after the battles of the last 4 years I am ok with content.

Hugs and strength to all who continue to heal from the ultimate of betrayals.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
You know Elmos mom, content is not bad. It's exactly how I've described my marriage to others in conversation. Considering we have a 50 % divorce rate these days, what is "happily married" anyhow? Most people I know (myself included) have several things they'd like to change about about their spouse (even if he didn't have an A) that don't make them very happy. I think if more people would settle for content and stop searching for some grand state of happiness from their marriage, we'd have a lot lower divorce rate. The honeymoon always ends, and when it does and reality sets it, a lot of couples are disallusioned with marriage and think their no longer happy and want to jump ship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
You know Elmos mom, content is not bad. It's exactly how I've described my marriage to others in conversation. Considering we have a 50 % divorce rate these days, what is "happily married" anyhow? Most people I know (myself included) have several things they'd like to change about about their spouse (even if he didn't have an A) that don't make them very happy. I think if more people would settle for content and stop searching for some grand state of happiness from their marriage, we'd have a lot lower divorce rate. The honeymoon always ends, and when it does and reality sets it, a lot of couples are disallusioned with marriage and think their no longer happy and want to jump ship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
You know Elmos mom, content is not bad. It's exactly how I've described my marriage to others in conversation. Considering we have a 50 % divorce rate these days, what is "happily married" anyhow? Most people I know (myself included) have several things they'd like to change about about their spouse (even if he didn't have an A) that don't make them very happy. I think if more people would settle for content and stop searching for some grand state of happiness from their marriage, we'd have a lot lower divorce rate. The honeymoon always ends, and when it does and reality sets it, a lot of couples are disallusioned with marriage and think their no longer happy and want to jump ship.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 3:08pm

I agree contentment is a good thing to have. Maybe all you can ask for at this point. I think you went from the fairy tale to reality. It's nice to think marriage is forever, but in how many cases is that true? Truth is there are no guarantees and you cannot control the actions of your partner and probably more people divorce than stay together after an A. The vows say one thing, but in reality what people do in the majority of cases, is something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Sorry about the multiple posts but these new forums are frustrating sometimes. I replied to your post and hit Post, but instead of coming up with the your comment has been posted message, it says please wait,so I wait for like 5 min. and hit Post again and the your comment has been posted message never comes up after trying multiple times so I don't know whether it's been posted or not unless I go back to the original post I'm responding to and look. Is anyone else having this problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-1999
I don't have that issue. Instead I have to log in 5 or 6 times to do anything. Thanks for you're post. You are correct that most people want the grand state of happy. If m.y h could have been content instead of chasing the happy from someone else we never would of been I'm this mess
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

Wow, congratulations!  Those dates usually are bugging us well in advance!  Much of what you wrote rang a bell so loud for me.  I won't get into all the current details in my marriage, but like you I hold back nothing anymore.  So much has needed to be said and done for most of our marriage, and yet it wasn't.  Well, it's getting said and done now, he isn't always happy with things I can no longer NOT say, but all I say is the God's honest truth and he needs to hear it all at this point.  As for belongings, I've lost interest, too.  All those "things" I collected all these years?  You know, they don't mean squat to me anymore.  Things I treasured, genuinely collected - I don't care about them at all.  Of course, I realize I've been in a deep depression for a couple of years now and have lost interest in just about any activity I once loved to do - incl. sex, sigh - and I fear it's forever.  But my DH is still being the nice guy he morphed himself into with help from a therapist we no longer see.  She helped him understand he drove us off into the ditch (that phrase courtesy of Dr. Phil) and that he would lose me unless he decided to grow up and stop focusing only on what he wanted.  He's so nice now it sometimes ticks me off - I sometimes think where was this nice guy all those years?????  But it's funny how I want peace more than anything, that and laughing again, plus I just have this overwhelming urge to simplify everything in my life these days.  For me I think that means donating TONS of "stuff" I had to have at some point but which now has no meaning to me at all.  FYI, I sometimes wear no ring, too.  It's when I'm feeling conflicted/confused/angry/hurt, I just go without one and on those days it feels good not to wear one.  DH doesn't even notice to begin with, but some days when you've been thru the mill with your DH, a ring just feels weird. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

I agree, content is likely pretty good.  I think so many of us - me included - had that fairytale in our heads from the start, and of course the fairytale seldom exists.  Since DH made the really bad choice to have EAs, our relationship has changed dramatically, and we more or less live like roommates with occasional privileges.  So far it hasn't moved beyond that and my best friend tonight told me to just try to relax, put it on the back burner "as is", and try to just stop thinking about it constantly and instead get healthy (I have several health issues all at once driving me nuts).  But "content" sounds heavenly to me right about now - maybe that's exactly what we all should shoot for.  To me it just means "peaceful", and THAT is my goal.  I'd sure like to get just a teensy little tingle when I hear his car pull up in the evenings, too, but so far, no.  I think most of our marriages fall into the "average" category. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2012

Congratulations!! I am so proud and jealous ;)

I am a little over a year since DDay and just two days ago I was repeating your words, almost verbadum, to my H. I believed in the fairy tale, but I was not nieve about how messed up our maraige was. I was not happy but I believed that we would work things out eventually because we loved each other. That was the one thing I "knew" to be true. I am still morning the marraige and true love I thought we had and trying to accept this new marraige for what it is and what he has done. Some days I fall in to deep depressions and am not able to get visuals out of my head, so far I am still here and keep getting back up. I wonder though when I will be tired of being content, if ever.

But again I want to say how amazing that is and how wonderful that your DDay came and went without you even noticing. I would call that amazing progress. Congrats again! Hopefully this is an indication of more peaceful days for you. HUGS!

Avatar for pater_familia
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008

Two years is a big deal. It is an important landmark. The fact that you didn't even consider it for a whole day around D-Day. Wow, that is progress. I missed my D-Day this year. Heck, I almost missed that whole month without thinking about it.

You know, our biggest struggles are kids issues now. When we are just doing things together, we get along really well. It is kid issues that we struggle with now, and for us, the light at the end of the tunnel is within sight. In August, I'll have two kids at college and only our middle son and the twins at home. YES!

I'll be sending good vibes!

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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