1 year since D-Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
1 year since D-Day
2
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 10:06am

Hello,

this is a status report of my life, our life since DDay last year.

We are still together, living our family life and it works. We are friendly towards each other, meaning no harm.

In October last year we stopped having sex and this continued since August this year. He always tried touching me, but I never reacted nor encouraged him doing it. Probably I was in such need that we just had sex for several days in a row, but I only once had an orgasm, somethign I never had any problems with. Since these days I feel no arousal at all anymore. Before, when we had no sex at all, I helped myself, so to say. But I don't even feel any motivation to do this anymore. I want sex but I am just not able to get stimulated.

In spring I had developped a little crush on a younger man (I wrote about it here on the board) which was fabulous for my self-confidence. I felt alive again! Even though this young man never knew about it and surely wouldn't have been pleased with it. Anyway, it was only for myself and I enjoyed it so much. However, these fellings disappeared after a few weeks and I felt back into this gloomy state I am always in. My illness, my depression adn anxiety is as bad as always. The meds work, but they cannot help me forget the financial problems we are still in and the state my marriage is in since this damned affair.

I cannot say I want my marriage back. What I felt last winter still is true: I don't love my husband anymore. I like him, like a friend, but nothing more. There is nothing in him and about him that makes my heart beat faster. When we had sex it was merely physical, no emotions involved. After this physical desire had stopped I noticed several things: he never answered when I did some dirty talk ( to get some arousal at least...), when I asked him but he liked and what not he didn't talk either. I guess he was glad he got some sex at all, even if it was with me, but hey, he hasn'ät much choice, right? I'm sure he isn't cheating since D-Day, but I don't know what he is thinking. I know it cannot be much fun having sex with an overweight woman with hanging breasts and I don't like myself as well (and - curiously - I don't have any inclination to change something. On the contrary.), and I think he shows it somehow by being quiet about it.

Today I thought we could try again, but it was no use. I told him to stop and that we probably have to finaklly accept that it is over between us (emotionally and physically), that I don't feel anything. He only said that it needs time and went. I don't believe so. On the whole we stopped talking about ourselves in october last year. I think I cannot trust him on his feelings, I suppose he just stays because he doesn't want to leave me, his kids, us, whatever, but that he feels it isn't what he really wants. So much is missing.

I always tell him to look for another woman (not wife, not partner) to have sex with so he can at least have this. He refuses, but is he honest?

All in all I can say about myself: I don't love him anymore but I want him to be my partner in this family. I want to have sex but apparently not with my husband or at least not at the moment. I don't know if I ever can forget all this to a point where I don't care anymore and can enjoy having sex with him, a merely physical sex. I suppose I have to wait and see. As I won't be able to get any other men in my bed (haha!) I will have to take care of myself in this respect.

With all this being said I feel so betrayed for my life. I suffer from a horrible twisted mind and soul due to this damned illness and there are many more problems that add to all this. I always tell my husband that I have to stay here for about 20 years, that the kids are old enough then , and that I will leave this life then. Seems a great plan for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 09-09-2011 - 2:15pm
Pretty lady, your post permeates with despair and loss of hope. When was the last time you walked outside and raised your face up the the sun with your eyes closed while you basked in it's warming light? Our real beauty comes from inside of us, how we treat others and how we treat ourselves. You have shown amazing grace by giving your husband a chance, that shows me strength in you that you have forgotten or lack the energy to use. I wish I could find the right words to tell you that it is okay, it is all okay. I cannot say that I'm a religious person, but I do believe we all have purpose, we are tested in our life by the cards we are dealt. Sometimes really crappy things happen and we ask ourselves "why?" "why me" "what did I do to deserve this." we didn't do anything, it just happened. Grieve for your losses in your past, but please don't be afraid to embrace your future. Worry about what you can change and flip off what you can't- no time for that nonsense. As I grow to be an old woman and I reflect on my life and all the blessings I can find in it, that's what I want to remember. I want no regrets. A woman just told me yesterday that we have to capture the moments of our lives and live in that moment because life can chAnge just that quickly. In just a moment. Draw on your strength because it is there inside of you- and capture the happiness in your children. Good luck and lots of well wishes to you. (((big hug))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Sun, 09-11-2011 - 5:49pm

Hello,

first of all I'd like to say that I feel embarrassed for writing about my life which is meaningless if you think of today's date and I want to say that my heart goes out to all of you who lost relatives, friends in this tragedy. My heart goes out to you, and it always did since that day 10 years ago. My son was only a few months old, I was in the middle of a horrible PPD and then this happened. It was pure shock and it has remained so ever since.

still_standing, I want to thank you for your kind words, I was so thankful for them. Several days have passed since my posting and I need to write down how I feel at the moment. It's like every emotion within me except sadness and hate has died. When we tried sleeping together those several days ago and when I said it made no sense any longer and that we won't be getting nowhere anymore it wasn't only out of frustration but the truth. Since that day my mind is getting gloomier and gloomier. My body gets weaker and weaker. It's like there is no more strength left.

I remember feeling this way at the beginning of my illness. For more than 8 years I was struggling with this horrific illness and I had so much hope that everything would get better once our financial problems reduced, that I would have more peace of mind, more time for other things that problems, e.g. our marriage, our partnership. But it was too late as I got to know later. My husband needed sex so he took a chance. Of course this is excusable - men need sex, they need attention. Who cares that I went through hell and back, had two little children, and no idea how to get on with my life. He didn't care. He just forgot us.

I will never forgive him because he gave me a boot back in the dirt when I was already lying on the ground.

As I said before I don't even know if he is honest with what he says, because he didn't even tell me himself, I was told by the OW's husband. We haven't talked about our "marriage" since last october. It is merely small talk and when I feel bad because of my depression (and all the things that still cause them) he doesn't say anything, just pats on my arm and let'e me alone. Whenever he has touched my since last octobre it was only because he wanted sex. He never tried talking about us, he thinks it is enough touching me from time to time and trying to get some sex with me. I think he doesn't even recognize that it is almost always him that cuases my misery. He thinks it is just the depression and he is bored with it anyway. Well, ten years with a crazy wife that is getting fatter and fatter and more complicated every week...I fully feel for him, really, I do. I can understand that he is bored.

I guess I don't have any strength left. My depression is as strong as ever and I just don't see anything in my future I could look forward to. Of course, I do love my children, more than my own life, otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore, but I cannot bear their talking, laughing, arguing....it is nuch too liud for me, any noise is too liud. I cannot work anything, I can hardly stay up.

This afternoon I thought I get a heart attack. I was sweating, had problems with breathing and my chest felt too narrow. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I just went on the couch. My husband came, saw me, and only asked if it was okay if he went to the soccer match. I nodded. He didn't notice what was up. Of course he didn't. He is used to that sight.

I was so angry, so desparate that i wanted to call him and tell him that it is all over and that I wanted him to leave, I wanted to curse him, to scream at him, calling him all names I could think of, beat him up, kill him...but I didn't. I used to do it when we had fights all those years ago, I couldn't stand him simply leaving me alone. But this time I didn't call him. I was there on my couch and feeling so empty.

When he returend from the soccer match I wasn't able to talk to him. I just sat at the table. He joined me, looking at me, waiting for me to start talking, as always, but as I didn't say anything he just stood up and went away.

I don't know what he is thinking, what he is expecting. Since DDay he never did anything more than just caressing my arm or back. I always told him that he needed to convince me, to do something big, only for me. He never did. He never stirred an extra finger for me. He said he didn't know what to do. I told him so many times, he just didn't care.

Anyway, it is much to late, anyway. I need to accept that our relationship is different now, also because that is what I wanted. I want him here as my partner in parenting, in sharing our chores here, but nothing more. It is only that I need a final stroke for both of us. Sometimes I wished I could catch him in the act, detect some proof for a new infidelity, only for my mind to be able to finish this episode once and for all. It would be easier if we really were only friends and both of us would have his own life. It is complicated to describe.

Thanks for letting me sob here...

pjf