1 year since D-Day
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|Wed, 09-07-2011 - 10:06am|
this is a status report of my life, our life since DDay last year.
We are still together, living our family life and it works. We are friendly towards each other, meaning no harm.
In October last year we stopped having sex and this continued since August this year. He always tried touching me, but I never reacted nor encouraged him doing it. Probably I was in such need that we just had sex for several days in a row, but I only once had an orgasm, somethign I never had any problems with. Since these days I feel no arousal at all anymore. Before, when we had no sex at all, I helped myself, so to say. But I don't even feel any motivation to do this anymore. I want sex but I am just not able to get stimulated.
In spring I had developped a little crush on a younger man (I wrote about it here on the board) which was fabulous for my self-confidence. I felt alive again! Even though this young man never knew about it and surely wouldn't have been pleased with it. Anyway, it was only for myself and I enjoyed it so much. However, these fellings disappeared after a few weeks and I felt back into this gloomy state I am always in. My illness, my depression adn anxiety is as bad as always. The meds work, but they cannot help me forget the financial problems we are still in and the state my marriage is in since this damned affair.
I cannot say I want my marriage back. What I felt last winter still is true: I don't love my husband anymore. I like him, like a friend, but nothing more. There is nothing in him and about him that makes my heart beat faster. When we had sex it was merely physical, no emotions involved. After this physical desire had stopped I noticed several things: he never answered when I did some dirty talk ( to get some arousal at least...), when I asked him but he liked and what not he didn't talk either. I guess he was glad he got some sex at all, even if it was with me, but hey, he hasn'ät much choice, right? I'm sure he isn't cheating since D-Day, but I don't know what he is thinking. I know it cannot be much fun having sex with an overweight woman with hanging breasts and I don't like myself as well (and - curiously - I don't have any inclination to change something. On the contrary.), and I think he shows it somehow by being quiet about it.
Today I thought we could try again, but it was no use. I told him to stop and that we probably have to finaklly accept that it is over between us (emotionally and physically), that I don't feel anything. He only said that it needs time and went. I don't believe so. On the whole we stopped talking about ourselves in october last year. I think I cannot trust him on his feelings, I suppose he just stays because he doesn't want to leave me, his kids, us, whatever, but that he feels it isn't what he really wants. So much is missing.
I always tell him to look for another woman (not wife, not partner) to have sex with so he can at least have this. He refuses, but is he honest?
All in all I can say about myself: I don't love him anymore but I want him to be my partner in this family. I want to have sex but apparently not with my husband or at least not at the moment. I don't know if I ever can forget all this to a point where I don't care anymore and can enjoy having sex with him, a merely physical sex. I suppose I have to wait and see. As I won't be able to get any other men in my bed (haha!) I will have to take care of myself in this respect.
With all this being said I feel so betrayed for my life. I suffer from a horrible twisted mind and soul due to this damned illness and there are many more problems that add to all this. I always tell my husband that I have to stay here for about 20 years, that the kids are old enough then , and that I will leave this life then. Seems a great plan for me.