17 Again / Meds

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Registered: 09-12-2008
17 Again / Meds
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Fri, 05-01-2009 - 11:15am

DW and I had an intense conversation on our way into work yesterday. I could not make any sense of her logic over some of our current issues. On one hand she said I was being charitable, and on the other, punitive. Ok, fair enough. She is right on both counts. But then it turned and as she got out of the car she said, "We just don't want the same things."

That just devastated me. My work yesterday was a disaster. I forgot my cell and couldn't reach her so I went to the Sprint website and sent her a text. While I was there I found myself going through the phone logs again. I got frustrated with myself and I called off at noon. I went home and got busy. I did all the dishes, laundry, shopping, kids spelling. Everything I could think of so that when she got home we could do something together and not feel guilty or distracted. When I picked her up at the bus she said that she was car sick from the bus and the train. She began to cry, she said I have a confession. My heart just sank. Is this going to be the other foot falling?

She said, "I haven't taken my anti-D meds for four days." "I couldn't get a refill sorted out until today." I just melted. We picked up the prescription and she popped a half pill. She said that her classmates at the hospital kept saying that she was off the past few days. Today she could not stop crying during class. I took her home and put her to bed. I tried putting a wet cloth on her forhead, she didn't like that. I tried rubbing her back. Nope wrong guess. I left her alone but she called for me.

I got into bed with all my cloths on and faced her--we just talked. She said that we DO want the same things, we just don't know how to get there together yet, but we will. That she wants the seven of us to always be a family. As I looked into her green eyes, It occurred to me that this isn't the 18 year old girl I married 20 years ago, but she is still so beautiful to me.

After we talked a while She began to feel better. The kids could see Mom wasn't doing well and were going to bed on there own. I asked if she wanted to rent a movie or go to starbucks and get that carmel apple thing she likes. She asked me to find a funny movie. I could not find one so I showed her the list. She saw that "17 Again" show and it started in half an hour. We ran out the door and got there just in time.

The premiss of the movie is about a 20 year marriage falling apart. The man has a second chance and is transformed into a 17 year old and ends up in school with his own kids. He helps his kids solve some of their problems and sees his family in a new light. Yeah, it was corny, but It was really close to home. It was cute, and light had some really funny moments.

Just what the doctor ordered.

DW and I sat in the van after and she looked at me and told me what she thought of me when we first met. And that after all this, she still feels much the same way. She reminded me that though we are both going to fail from time-to-time in how we treat each other, that we are going to work this out. She chooses us. Not her high school boyfriend, not some other man. But me. She's not looking around ever again. Were doing this.

I still struggle getting that man out of my head. But not like it was. Its' getting easier and easier.

thanks for letting me vent.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.




Edited 5/1/2009 12:31 pm ET by pater_familia

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 12:08pm

Pater,


Not sure what med your wife is on, but she knows better than to just quit taking an antidepressant.

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Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 12:36pm

I think what happened is that she got busy and thought, "oh, I can go a few days without them until I can get a refill and I'll be just fine!" Well, she wasn't, and being off the meds made her decision making worse. Ugh!

Yeah, I'm not totally up on what it means not to be on the meds. I need to ask the doc this. Thanks for making me aware that this is bigger than we both might have thought.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 3:22pm

Oh, man, Thomas, going cold turkey on those kinds of meds could kill her. It took DH a month to go off them and that was too quick, he should have taken three months. Read up on it because the physical side effects can be dangerous. DH said if he knew how dangerous it was to get off of them, he never would have gone on them.

I am glad the solution to this problem was so easy. You guys are strong and will make it.

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Fri, 05-01-2009 - 4:51pm

???

OMG!

I'll tell you what, it's soooo nice seeing DW acting like a normal person over the past few months. That's why the conversation in the car was so strange. One moment she was rational, the next it was like she couldn't get what I was saying. And bad me, instead of backing off, I just spoke louder... I'm so stupid.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 7:22pm

Thomas,

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Registered: 09-12-2008
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 7:28pm

I called her and she concurred with your sentiments. Now that she has it back in her system she's thinking a little better. How awful that one of the side effects is that she thinks she is tough and can handle it and doesn't need it anymore.

Thanks for this.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 7:37pm

I am glad that she is feeling better.

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Registered: 02-04-2009
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 9:16pm
The two of you handled it together, just like you're handling everything together.

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop."  Herb Stein

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Sun, 05-03-2009 - 3:59am

"The two of you handled it together. "

Thanks for saying that, I think I needed to hear that. I saw one of those new Dodge Chargers today and pulled the car over and asked DW to look at it with me. She said that this was something that she and the OM use to do back in High School and wanted me to know that when I began talking cars that it reminded her of him. She thought that the OM was obsessed with cars and she didn't totally get it. She then said that she really liked my car when we were dating. She liked my truck and my crappy little sport car because it never broke down. She was trying to tell me her triggers. She did it in a nice way.

He and I are different. I'm psyco about books and book collecting. She doesn't get that either. But she knows that I really enjoy books and the book arts and supports me in it. I don't think she totally understands that I gave up collecting some years back and have sold off my best stuff to support her schooling. Schooling in which she used to cheat on me. The side affect is that I don't have the heart to collect anymore. I used to buy books and sell them to clients for just enough money to afford the ones I kept for myself. It was a lot of work but It made my collecting affordable and I was known for really knowing my stuff. DW thought that when she asked me for the divorce before D Day, She wanted me to keep my books and she would keep the house that we paid off. She was shocked to find out that my collection was so decimated. I offered to sell the collection and give her the money and I and the kids would keep the house. I think that was the beginning of her opening her eyes to what I had done on her behalf while she was in school. When I found out about the affair, I sold the last of my really good books and raised $2,000.

I had her throw away all of her underclothing and purchased $500 worth with her. When I put it all in a bag to be taken to the trash, I asked her to find anything that came from him and put it in there also. I think she came up with a simple pen. That's all that guy ever gave her. Unbelievable.

I took the bag and asked her to meet me in the back yard in a few min. After I placed the bag in the trash. I took the TV that she asked me to remove from our bedroom and when she came to the back yard, I put my sledge through it. She began to scream, but saw that I meant to do what ever it took to keep her. She asked me to stay there. She returned in less than a min. with all the letters he wrote her in High school. In tears, she tore them up in front of me and handed them to me. I could not bring myself to put them in the trash so I placed them in this little shoe box that I kept little knick nacks in over the years, took them to work and placed the letters in the recycling. I didn't read them. In a way they were sacred. An offering of something that meant a great deal to her for a very long time, in exchange for our marriage.

I offered to sell my books. The whole lot. She begged me not to do that. After all these months. I'm finding myself in front of the shelves, opening them and remembering how much I love them. Old friends with good memories. I'm glad I kept them. I will have good memories about my books again. It's funny, I've found bad things about some of the authors I collected and sold all the books they wrote shortly after that just so that I would always have good thoughts while in my library. I sort of feel like she rescued what's left of my books. That's a good memory. Right?

Sorry, can't sleep. and I'm just rambling. bla bla bla.

Thinking man. I'm so glad you are still posting. It keeps me from having to worry about you. You are posting and that's healthy and I know you are sorting things out one way or another. I was soo worried about you. But you are going to be ok. One way or another. You have what it takes. I can tell.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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Mon, 05-04-2009 - 12:25am

Ya know. DW wanted to take the kids and me on a bike trip. It was sort of a disaster. She wanted to shuttle the bikes to the trail because she thought it was a long way away. Her girlfriedn showed it to her and took this long way to it. So after I pumped up like ten tires, and she took most of the bikes with the two older kids, I was finding myself in a bad mood. She came back to pick up the rest of the bikes and the little kids and the trail ended up well within riding distance rather than driving distance and then the trail was a dead end. Two of the kids were whining. The whole thing just erupted about half way in.

She said that I poison stuff instead of just being happy. She said that when I do this she begins to lose hope. The fact is that she was right. I wasn't rolling with the punches. When we got home she set me up for another disaster with my son. She wanted things to happen but didn't provide the possibility for it to happen without conflict. I finally just went and laid down and tried to just go to sleep. She came in a few min. later and apologized for setting up all these whirlwinds and then dropping me in the middle of them and expecting me to simply just succeed.

The fact that she recognized in the end how she set me up to fail and that she still wants to be with me even though I did. I think speaks volumes about where we are at the moment. In the past she would run to the OM in her head and just dump on me. This was different. Very different. We both struggled today, But in the end we struggled together rather than just blaming the other.

We talked about the OM this morning and it was really a constructive conversation. No anger. Just discussing one of her triggers and how I contributed to it. The other man was a 60's car freak. I like old cars also but when she met me I had a non-desrcript fast car and she thought it was really cool. I gave it to her when we got married and I got a truck. I asked if my Motorcycle was a trigger and she said no because my bike is all me. I ride it different, It's a different sort of bike, and We have matching helmets, leathers and I put on a sissy bar just for her that's really unique.

I met with her and a few of her coworkers and pulled up on my bike. They all came out and looked at it. Some old guy pulled up next to my bike and started talking to us about it. I've made this thing my own and the bike is no longer about him. I drove her back to pick up the van on my bike and she tucked her cheek next to mine, pulled back my long hair and we drove slowly back from our home to pick up the van.

I would like to think that I'm done with this affair stuff. That she just made a mistake and it is over with, she is done with him, she is struggling with me now to make our lives better. Will it take her coming to me and telling me someone is giving her a hard play like the guy at school did? Or will I always be looking over the phone bills. Will I always have to ask questions about her feelings for the OM or is there anyone at work I should be worried about? Ugh!

I saw this beautiful woman yesterday while I was with her. She was the Shania Twain sort of country girl, very fit, down to earth, hard working sort of look, and I caught myself starring at this woman. She was with this older woman ( her mom or grandmother I suppose) and they were talking about something at the store and I interjected a witty comment into their conversation and got giggles from both women and this big smile from her. That's when it hit me, If this woman somehow gave me the hard press. Would I walk away? Or would I take a moment and feed my ego? Or would I bite?

I left my spouse as we approached the crowd at the checkout, I told her to enjoy her line, and went and purchased a frozen yogurt. When i got back these women got in line behind us. I asked my spouse how she had been enjoying the line and fed her every other scoop of my yogurt. I tried to shower my spouse with attention, affection and conversation. The reality of going there really would be awful.

I really hate this new door DW opened for me. Before the affair these thoughts were never an option. It was just me and her in my head. I was doing a crappy job at taking care of her and taking her for granted. But it really was just me and her. I think she is getting better at that and I'm the one who is curious now. Would someone just club me over the head please.

Thomas

5 kids ages 15-9, D Day: August 5, 2008

Status: Sorting Things Out.

Thomas

We have five kids. Our D-Day was in August, 2008.

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